Update

I think I can post this update now. Maybe. I haven't asked Aaron for official permission.

We had a rough summer in the adoption department. I won't go in to details other than to say that we suffered an emotional loss and the whole experience had us reeling a little bit. Then one evening in September our case worker showed up on our doorstep and asked if we wanted our home study to be considered for the possible placement of a 2 year old. We discussed it, decided why not, submitted our study and went about our business.

Yesterday afternoon we had a meeting with the DFCS workers. We have decided to proceed slowly with this placement. Aaron and I will meet the little boy next week and if that goes well we will start our transition visits. I would describe our emotions as cautiously optimistic. And a little bit nervous. And just a tad bit completely freaked out. We do not yet know with 100% certainty if this will be a permanent placement so we are limited in what we can say and how many details we can give. For now, we covet your prayers as we go through this process. We need wisdom. We need grace. We need provision of practical items. We need patience. We need love.

Thank you.

Let the official wait begin

The lady who did our home study turned it in to our DFCS office in April. Since then it has been sitting on a case worker's desk waiting to be reviewed and approved. I am a former DFCS caseworker so I tried really hard to be patient and not make annoying phone calls. But I will admit, I was getting a tad frustrated. 

Then yesterday, in the midst of our normal daily doings, the phone rang and Aaron was told that our home study was approved and we are officially open as a foster-to-adopt home, ages 0-6 years, up to two children, boy or girl, no racial preference. 

So now we wait some more...

When Jeremiah said something about us "buying" our new child we talked through the expected process in as much detail as we could. It is a balancing act trying to give them information about abuse and neglect to help them understand the situation but in an age appropriate way. Jeremiah showed some amazing insight and selflessness when he out of the blue said, "It might be a good idea to put away all our toy guns and swords until they get used to how we play in this house and know that we don't want to hurt them. Because sometimes we do play kind of rough." 

We explained that we could be waiting for a while before a child is matched to us. Both boys were insistent that it happen soon. "I hope it is tomorrow mama!" Nathaniel exclaimed. 

There was animated conversation about where the child will sit at the dinner table, and where they will sleep, and making sure that we know when their birthday is so that we can give them a big party, and if it is a girl then hopefully she will like robots because we have lots of boys toys and no girl toys, and making sure we ask what their name is. 

We talked a bit about how it will take time for us all to adjust. How it may seem strange at first, and we will need get to know the child and for them to get to know us. We talked about how we may need to step back from outside activities for a few weeks in order for us to connect and for the child to see us as their family. 

Then I suggested that we pray together. And Jeremiah insisted that we kneel to pray because it shows respect. So we did. We knelt and held hands and asked God to help us wait, and to protect our child, and to give us what we need. And my heart cracked a bit when Nathaniel lisped, "Thank you for our child. Help them come here quickly so we can find out what kind of cake they like." 

After we prayed we got up and went about our evening routine. Except in the back of my mind is the knowledge that any day we could get a phone call that will change everything. 

Pray for us please? We know that God is in complete control. He knew about all of our children before He created the world. There is peace in that knowledge. Yet there are days for me when the waiting is hard. And of course there are moments of fear that we will not be up to this task. All we can do is take each day as it comes. 

Random Updates

There is so much going on around here that I don't really know what to say. On the flip side, there isn't really anything exciting going on around here so I don't really know what to say. Such is our life I guess, to us it is full and busy, but to others it is probably just normal and boring. Anyway, here are some updates:

Adoption

We had our first home visit from the social worker yesterday. No problems. We should be approved by the first week of April. After that it is just a waiting game. I have been using this time to read a lot about attachment and adoption. I know that I can never be truly prepared, but I want to at least have some knowledge to draw on when the time of placement arrives. However, doing lots of reading also has the effect of scaring me out of my mind at times. When I start getting frightened I take deep breaths and pray. Sounds cliche, but it works. Here is an excerpt from an email I sent to family about our home visit yesterday:

The boys remain excited. Their little hearts have proven to be so generous and compassionate. Today the social worker was asking them questions about what they thought it would be like to have another brother or sister and their answers were so thoughtful and encouraging. Nathaniel was so sweet, the social worker was asking what he would not like about having another child and he kept insisting, "There is just nothing I won't like! I like having lots of kids around. I want another brother really badly!" He was very insistent on explaining to her in great detail just how many toys and books and games and beds we have. It was cute. Jeremiah just stated matter of factly, "I want another brother. And God tells us to take care of orphans and share with people who don't have as much as we do. So of course we want to adopt children who don't have anyone to take care of them!" The faith and obedience of a child is a beautiful thing. 

 

Home Schooling 

We have 9 weeks of our curriculum left and 4 weeks of Math. It will feel good to be done for the year and take a nice long break. I continue to be surprised at how much I enjoy schooling the boys and how well it works for us right now. We are already thinking through curriculum and choices for next year. We will be visiting a science class that Jeremiah may attend in the fall. Nathaniel has been begging me for reading lessons and we are using the book Teach Your Child To Read In 100 Easy Lessons. He loves it! His letter recognition is getting better. Next year we will continue with reading and some basic math.

Baseball

Jeremiah begged us to play baseball this spring. And despite always saying that we would only be a 1 sport per year family we signed him up. His try-outs were last night. He has been assigned to a team and we start practice Thursday night. This all new territory for us. We arrived at tryouts last night with an old glove and no other gear to speak of. Most of the other kids were well provisioned with special bags to hold all their special gear. We shall see how it goes. Baseball tends to be pretty competitive around here and some of these kids have been playing since they were 3 years old. Jeremiah is excited though. He loves to practice throwing and hitting.  

Extra

We are planning on spending a few days in Philadelphia during Aaron's spring break. I am looking forward to the break and a change of scenery. 

Our time keeping our little 5 year old friend is coming to an end. Last week he didn't come to our house because his grandparents were in town and my boys missed him intensely. The 3 of them play very well together.

The weather here has been gorgeous. The boys have been spending hours and hours outside. I feel the need to spring clean and purge us of stuff. This always makes Aaron nervous.

Longing (and a new nephew!)

Yesterday morning the text blipped on my phone: "Cherise's contractions 10 min apart. Midwife on the way." I walked around all day with the phone in my pocket. All day long my thoughts were with my sister and brother-in-law who were laboring to bring their second child into the world. I resisted the urge to call and ask, "How is it going? What's the progress?" but they were never far from my mind and in between school work and laundry and feeding the kids at my house I offered up prayers. Jeremiah and Nathaniel were excited. They asked every few hours, "Is Dylan here yet?! When can we see Dylan?!" Bedtime came and there was still no news so I double checked that my phone was still on and the volume still up as I lay down to sleep. But sleep was elusive and every little noise jolted me awake, to check my phone again. Then around midnight it came, "He's here! Mother and baby well." My heart leaped and I turned over, finally ready to sleep.

Last night, my nephew Dylan was born. He is a Leap Year baby! Just squeaking in at 11:59pm on February 29th. This morning we oohed and aahed over the picture posted on Facebook. We waited anxiously for word from the family as to when would be a good time come and meet him. I couldn't wait to kiss those chubby cheeks in person!

One of the most difficult things for me in this adoption journey so far is the fact that I feel all the anticipation and longing of a woman who is pregnant and eagerly waiting the moment when she sees her baby face to face - but my body is not pregnant. There is no outward, visible signs of what is happening in my heart. Therefore very few people acknowledge, or ask, or want to talk about it. When I was pregnant people were always talking to me with excitement, asking me questions, discussing pregnancy and child rearing, and wondering how my other kid would adjust. I was obviously, visibly pregnant and so people reacted to that. The adoption process is not visible. No one else can see that we are working through the process of completing paperwork and being approved. No one can see the longing that is inside my heart.

But that longing is there! I know that our child is out there somewhere, and I can't yet physically touch  them. Just like a woman who is pregnant and always aware of the child growing within her, this child that we are planning for is always in the back of my mind, on the perimeter of my consciousness. I think and wonder and dream and pray. I am reading books in order to be better prepared. On Sunday mornings during worship tears spill and my heart aches because I actually feel the absence of this child that is not here yet. When we pile on the couch to read books I miss the child that we know is coming.

I am a verbal processor. I need to talk about my feelings. I need to hash through every possible scenario out loud. I need to dream out loud and be excited out loud. And without the outward physical signs of what is going on in our hearts the opportunities to talk about it are few. People don't ask, and it feels a tad narcissistic to bring it up in the course of a regular conversation.

In the absence of people to talk to I talk to God. I pour out my heart to Him. It's an almost constant conversation in my head. When I start getting anxious and worried I whisper, "You are in control, God. Please give me peace and take away this fear." I ask Him all my questions, nothing  is too mundane, "How is this going to work, Lord? Are we going to get a boy or a girl? How are we going to arrange their rooms? I wish I knew an age so I could start collecting what we need! How long are we going to have to wait?" As Jeremiah and Nathaniel ask me questions I ask for wisdom, "How do I answer this question? How do I prepare them? Will they love their new sibling?" And when the excitement and joy are just too much I rejoice, "Thank you God! You are so good! Thank you for bringing us to this point! I am so excited to be adding another child to our family!"

Oh Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you. -Psalm 38:9

For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things. - Psalm 107:9

What I learn when I admit my lack of control

We had our first home visit from a social worker last night. It wasn't a big deal. Just an informational type meeting designed to give the basic information of what DFCS (Department of Family & Children Services) does and what kinds of kids they have a need for placements for. This was not new information for us. I was a DFCS foster care and adoption case worker for 3 years. I spent a number of years teaching the classes that we are about to take.

But, it feels different to be the family on the other side of the table. As the social worker was giving us the statistics I was thinking about which of those statistics was "our child." I heard us giving our parameters of what we were willing to consider regarding age, number, and legal risk and I knew that the social worker was thinking that we weren't being very flexible. I knew that all the questions I wanted to ask didn't have answers, but I asked them anyway. 

At one point the social worker told us that there were 5 other families going through the approval process who had the same parameters that we do; foster to adopt, age 0-5years, 1-2 kids. My heart fell. The more families with these parameters the less chance that we get matched sooner. For a few minutes I allowed myself to become negative. I thought of all the ways this wasn't going to happen. I thought of all the kids that would be matched to other families. I started to wonder if it would even be worth it for us to pursue this. 

I started quickly to pray because I am learning that the only way to combat doubt and fear is through prayer and the Word of God. I am so thankful that it didn't take long before a sudden peace came over me. I realized that God has guided every one of our steps so far. He has shown answers to prayers that I didn't even know I was praying. How can I not also trust Him as the journey continues? Can I not also trust that if He knows and loves us and knows and loves our child(ren) that He will work out all the details? This process is an opportunity for me to let go of control, because I really have no choice. I have pretty much zero control. I can choose to let that make me anxious or I can choose to rest in the knowledge that I can trust the God who is in control.

If you know me at all then you know that I am a pretty controlling person. I like to think ahead. I like to make plans. I like to make plans for contingency situations. I like to have checklists and time-lines and to-do lists. I do not like unanswered questions. So I know that it is the Holy Spirit working in me when I honestly say that so far I have felt a great deal of peace, despite my lack of control of the situation. I have seen God work and answer prayer, and I know that He will work and answer prayer in the future. I know that His plans are good, even if they don't happen exactly the way I thought or on my time table.

So we are continuing one step at a time. We are trusting that as God leads us He will also provide for us. Our training classes will take place these next 2 Saturdays. There will be much to process and discuss. Will you pray with us that we will continue to rest in God's plan? And will you gracefully remind me of this post when my strength fails and I get anxious and doubting again? :-)

Expecting...

All week long I had a  little secret tucked away. Waiting quiet. Afraid to think that it was really real. Worried that something would change. Thinking that maybe speaking the words out loud would make the dream vanish.

But it didn't vanish. And my husband started speaking it out loud. That is how I knew it was a reality.

You see, we are expecting. But I am not pregnant. What?!

Last week Aaron signed us up for the foster/adoptive parent training classes that our county requires as the first step to becoming a foster/adoptive parent. This is how my husband works. He thinks and process in his head and then he speaks to me when his mind is made up. I have been yearning to adopt for many years. Aaron, being a more patient and rational person than I has been quietly waiting and praying. So, late on Sunday night, after we were tucked in and I was drifting off to sleep my husband says, "I think it is time for us to take the classes." Lo and behold he had already been in contact with the staff person in charge of the classes And just like that the expectation began to grow.

I kept quiet all week long because what is the protocol for letting people know that you are hoping to add to your family, but aren't pregnant? There obviously aren't going to be phone calls with squeals of excitement or conversation about how you feel, when you found out, whether or not you have morning sickness. It's just kind of this threshold that has been crossed, but so many more steps lie ahead. 

We are excited and completely terrified at the same time. Excited because we long to meet "our child" and welcome them as a member of our family. Terrified because there is pretty much nothing about this process that we can control. The classes we will take this month will be the first step. Then a case worker will complete a home study. In the mean time we will be having lots of conversations about what age, how many, what special needs, how this will impact us, how this will impact our kids, how this will impact our extended family. We have no idea when a child will be placed with us.

Aaron and I have both worked in the state system. Aaron was a medicaid specialist and I was a foster care and adoption case worker. We know that the system is messed up. We know that there are many ups and downs. We know that there could be really difficult and challenging situations ahead.  We know that there will be days when our strength will fail. We are not entering into this lightly. However, we also know that there are kids in our county who are abandoned, neglected, and abused who need to be loved. We know that we don't get to ignore that need just because we want to be safe and comfortable in our own little world. We know that the Bible is very clear about caring for "the least of these." We know that we have family and friends to love and support us. We know that our God is loving and good and will sustain us through the joys and the challenges that lay ahead.

So there it is, we are expecting! But thank goodness this time around I don't have to deal with morning sickness.