A quietly merry Christmas

It has been a quiet Christmas. We went to Philadelphia for a week and reveled in the quiet joy of being surrounded by family. I was pretty sick, but kept hoping that I would suddenly wake up better. Back at home, loaded with antibiotics, and starting to feel more like my normal self and I am realizing just how sick I was. But it was lovely to be with my parents, rest on the couch, watch my kids play with their grandparents and uncles and aunts. It was lovely to just let Christmas happen without feeling the need, or desire, to frantically plan events, details, perfection. We didn't even take many pictures, which I will probably regret later.

My heart has been tender lately. I feel emotional and vulnerable. I am trying to let myself just be and not try to fix. I am searching God's Word and world for His love for me. I am seeking and asking. His love has been taking me by surprise, brilliant, brief moments of deep awareness that flit across my consciousness and are quickly gone. I want to grip tight to those moments but I rest knowing that they will come again.

Today we began bringing order back to the chaos that is our house. Clutter and disorder stresses me out so I slowly began taking down the decorations, vacuuming the play/school room, trying to get the boys to organize their new toys. Aaron goes back to work on Wednesday and I want us to be ready to jump back into our normal routine.

This is the first year that Jeremiah has been aware of "New Year." He heard there is supposed to be a party at church and is excited. I have no desire to stay up until midnight and was hoping for a quiet night at home with hot chocolate and a good book. I guess we are going to have to come up with some kind of compromise.

Now, it is time for a nap.

Small Group and Community

 The kids waiting on the Christmas parade. It is small town and corny but the kids love it. It is mostly a hit because they get free candy. And this year a guy was dressed as a Storm Trooper so that was an added bonus for our boys.

Decorating and eating Christmas trees at our small group Christmas gathering. 

Every Sunday night a group of people meet at our house. A gaggle of kids ranging in age from newborn to elementary school aged make noise and play games and wander through our time of discussion and prayer. This group of people, unlikely friends to outside eyes, they know us. We discuss Sunday's sermon and how to apply it to our lives. We pray together. We cry together. We ask questions about God's Word together. We celebrate with each other and we mourn with each other. We try to help each other practically as best we can. These people are part of our community. Our family. The wise old gentleman and his wife who have lived long and seen much and pray deeply and still get teary eyed over the wonder of God's love. The family from a country far away whose culture is different and who show us what sacrifice and commitment and hard work and faith look like. The family of blended cultures whose language I don't always understand but who are quietly, patiently, hard workingly faithful and wonderfully encouraging. The farmer's family who work the earth and run summer camp and provide us with good food and let our kids run wild over their land. There are other families who come and go as their schedules allow.

We are not perfect. We have much to learn about being more intentional, about loving each other well. But every Sunday night we make the effort. We gather. As time has passed and we have shared, struggled, and celebrated together our bonds have formed. These people are part of my tribe, my family.

"The Day That Our Lord Came Down"

At the concert the other night we were introduced to another band, Pas Neos. We have really enjoyed their music. They have deep, spiritual, meaningful, biblical lyrics. The boys especially like me to crank up the CD and rock out. They were an amazing band to watch live. And again, we were in a small, intimate venue which makes a concert experience so much more intense I think.

Anyway, I love Christmas music but over the years I have been more selective about what Christmas music we purchase. I want music that reminds me of the miracle of Christ coming to earth. This song has been on repeat in my kitchen this week. It is a perfect Advent song.



The Day That Our Lord Came Down
(Num. 24:17, Mt. 2, Lk. 1&2)
 Rejoice O daughter and highly favored one! The Lord of hosts gives the holy hill to your Son! Blessed among women is the mother of Immanuel!

This day your eyes have seen salvation, Israel's splendor and consolation. the King became humanity's crown the day that our Lord came down.

Look to the heavens, a guiding sing in the eastern sky! her dawning leads you to the birth of Dayspring's light! a star out of Jacob, and a scepter from Israel. Glory to God in the highest - and eternal life among those of His delight! the praise of the host of heaven sounds, the day that our Lord came down. 

He has made a better way! The Savior come in infant frame, amidst scattered sheep, a Shepherd's found, the day that our Lord came down. He has made a better way! The Firstborn Lamb and Child of Praise, the glory of God shone in Bethlehem town, the day that our Lord came down. 

(From The Wheat And The Tares cd)

Concert - Future of Forestry

We went out last night. Actually paid a baby sitter and went to see Future of Forestry in concert. We were wavering about going but we finally made the decision to just do it. I am so glad we did. This was an amazing, soul nourishing, worshipful experience with talented musicians.

Enjoy this video of "O Holy Night", one of my favorite Christmas songs. Then find them on YouTube and watch more of their music. Really amazing stuff. And if you get a chance to see them live, make it happen, you won't regret it.

Randomness

It has been a quiet week around here. I came down with a bad cold. I have spent most of my time resting in bed while the boys amuse themselves. I am going to brag on them. They have played so well together and done such a great job of keeping themselves occupied while I rested. Jeremiah showed so much maturity and independence, even making lunch a couple of times. And of course Aaron has been amazing, working hard all day then coming home to cook dinner and deal with the evening routine.

This year I am learning to embrace imperfect. To just take one day at a time. We have decorated our tree and put up our Jesse Tree. But not much else "Christmas-y" has happened. I am okay with that. Our favorite Christmas tradition anyway is to sit in front of the tree and read Christmas books, and that happens a lot. Tonight we will go to the annual Christmas parade in our town. It is nothing spectacular to adults, but the boys love it and we will go as long as they want to. Our Jesse Tree tradition has been somewhat simplified, we are following 24 readings from The Jesus Storybook Bible. We are re-using our ornaments from our Ann Voskamp readings.  Our Christmas cards are done. We didn't have a good, recent family picture so I made a collage and called it a day.

We do have preparations to make for spending Christmas week in Philadelphia. But again, simple, imperfect, easy are all being embraced.

School this week has consisted of Jeremiah doing his math work sheets on his own. He has been spending a lot of time doing creative writing in the new book he bought, Write Your Own Story Book. Literally, he has been spending hours concocting stories. So I am calling that Language Arts for the week. One evening he crawled up into bed with me for some snuggles. He had his book and read me some of what he wrote. I asked him why he liked writing so much. He said, "Because you can use your imagination. It's like writing down what you see in your brain. Like writing your brain down on paper." He then concocted a plan in which he would write stories and give them to the people we know at the Library to read. If they like the stories then maybe he could get them published. His exact words, "I want to write some books and have them published so that they can be at the library and for sale at bookstores and yard sales."

So there you have it.

Peaceful moments

It was a pretty restful day. We had a few things to do and errands to run but in general we were able to take full advantage of some gorgeous weather we are having. I even ended up taking a 2 hour nap in the sun on our back deck. It was blissful! All the trees but our Japanese maple have dropped their leaves. This tree is a show stopper when the late afternoon sun hits it just right.

busy & relaxing days

Thanksgiving break is finally here! We are more than ready to have Aaron home for the week and just enjoy some quiet time together. Last week we had two evenings home in a row and it felt so nice to be back in our regular evening routine again. I had forgotten how nice it is to not have to hurry dinner time, or bath time, or bed time.

Jeremiah is sick. He has had some strange coughing issues since August. We have tried some different treatments and the coughing always seems to return. This time the congestion got so bad he has an ear infection. Poor kid. The doctor suggests allergy and asthma testing as our next step. Sigh...

Our plan for this week is rest, rest, and more rest. And a few household chores. And Thanksgiving. And an overnight visit with little S man. If you are interested in reading about our process with him you can click on my "Other Blog" link in the side bar of this blog. I am trying to keep that separate for a while for confidentiality purposes.

Thanksgiving is my favorite "holiday." I feel like we have been in such a whirlwind that I haven't really had time to prepare my heart and mind. Hoping that this week we can slow down and refocus a bit. Hope you get the chance to do that too.

soccer champs!

On Saturday the Wolverines played in the championship game for the 4&5yr old division from our area. They played really, really well and won the game 4-2! (I will be honest here and say that the other team scored 2 own goals, but I think our team would have won anyway, they were on fire!) And Nathaniel scored a goal! He has been working hard all year to score. He is an amazing dribbler, but not quite as fast as some of the other kids on his team. So he would work really hard to dribble around everyone on the field and get the ball into the box, and then someone else would score. Oh well. On Saturday he scored and celebrated his goal in true professional voetball style - arms in the air, gigantic smile, and ran right to me to give me a hug! Yes. I was THAT mom, screaming crazy at the sideline and swinging my boy around. It was awesome.

We really enjoyed these kids this year. They were full of energy and enthusiasm. And there isn't much cuter than 4&5 year olds playing soccer. We made some new friends again this year which is always fun.

Go Wolverines!

36

Some years birthdays come with lots of fanfare and extravagant celebration. Some years the introspection is deep. This year my birthday came quietly and gracefully. Another day in this blessed life. A day full of little every day joys like hot coffee and my Monday breakfast date with Nathaniel while Jeremiah is in science class. It was also a day with a couple of extra surprises thrown in like a thoughtful gift from my sister-in-law by my door when I got home. And a few extra treats for myself (two pieces of pumpkin pie in one day!). A day to do the normal daily thing like dishes and nap time and laundry, and end with dinner out and a complete conversation with my husband. A day to enjoy the messages on my Facebook feed (thanks Ben for making me cry!), the text messages, and the phone calls.

I hate taking pictures of myself. I hate posting pictures of myself. I literally cringe when I see a picture of myself. But I think that I am starting to change a bit in this area. I am trying really hard to celebrate myself in a healthy way. I am trying to be thankful for this physical body that I have been given and to maybe even see it as beautiful. Maybe. I am still working on that.

With that in mind - here is a picture of me, all by myself, on my 36th birthday. 

Season ends

Yesterday was a perfect fall day! It was warm, sunny, and the leaves were brilliant. We finished up the soccer season with both teams. The Wolverine's (Nathaniel's team) played in their tournament first. They won their game so they play in the championship next Saturday! The Fireballs played in their tournament as well. Unfortunately they lost their game and so their season is officially over. We then headed out to Camp New Dawn for celebratory ice cream sundaes and the presentation of trophies. The kids played on the property and wore themselves out while the adults visited.
This was a great soccer season. Both teams played hard and learned a lot. We made new friends and enjoyed catching up with old ones.
Go team!

When school unfolds differently than planned

This was technically week 10 of our Sonlight curriculum. Let me be honest with you here, I still don't feel like we have hit our groove with school this year. We have had a string of super busy weeks and I am just fitting our school work in as we can. At the beginning of this week I was feeling discouraged. I was pretty sure I was not doing this whole thing "right." I wasn't sure if my hands-off approach to school lately has been wise (philosophy of unschooling!) or a result of laziness.

Today is the first day in longer than I can remember that we don't have something to do and somewhere to be. I had planned for us to buckle down and catch up on some school work. But we all slept in. I woke at 8:30 to the sound of the boys playing Lego's in their room. When I jokingly declared that I was too tired to make breakfast Jeremiah said, "Don't worry mama. I know how to make eggs. Let me make breakfast!" He seemed so enthused and excited that I let him. Would you believe it, 20 minutes and a messy kitchen later breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast was on the table! We tried to sit down and do some math but I got frustrated with the attempt of trying to keep the boys focused. So instead of yelling at them I sent them outside to play. When I got out of the shower I ventured in to the back yard to see what was going on. They had constructed "speeder bikes" out of various things and were having races.

So no, our school year is not unfolding how I had planned. But we are reading - a lot. And we do math worksheets almost every day. Jeremiah is loving his science class. Nathaniel is starting to scribble out little notes on various pieces of paper all over the house. Somehow to my surprise Jeremiah can name the basic parts of a sentence. They are being creative. They are learning to be real brothers and friends. So I guess, even though I am not checking off our lesson plans as I would like, we are still doing okay.

Dressing up

First off, let me just say that my son is growing up way too fast! When I posted these pictures on Facebook I got comments from people saying how they didn't recognize him, how he looks like a pre-teen. And all I can say is, yikes! It is scary how fast Jeremiah is growing up!

Second, I know that a lot of people would (and did) question my choice to let Jeremiah dress up as something scary this year. In my defense; he has no idea what a vampire really is. He saw a picture of a Lego one in his Lego magazine and decided that is what he wanted to be for Halloween. (I can't say I appreciate a magazine geared toward elementary aged children promoting under-wordly things like vampires and zombies.) He took complete initiative and got the whole costume together. I did take him to Goodwill where he looked around and found the tie, vest, and cape all by himself. Aaron bought the face paint at the Dollar Tree. I just couldn't bring myself to squelch his creativity and initiative.

We took the opportunity to talk about maturity. He volunteered to only wear the vampire costume to the Harvest Party, not to the church sponsored Fall Festival. We talked about his responsibility not to scare other children and we asked him not to threaten to "suck your blood!" while we were at the Harvest Party.

He was so excited about this costume!

I feel like we struck a good balance of letting him use his creativity but also be mindful and respectful of others.

All I can say is that the current popular vampire heart-throb has nothing on my handsome boy!

Tradition

Our annual Harvest Party, hayride picture.

Because we moved so much I didn't grow up with many traditions, so it is a bit strange for me to have yearly pictures of this annual tradition. But I love it! The boys went on the first hayride all by themselves. They were off and loaded and on their own adventure with a group of "big kids" before I even had a chance to realize what was going on. After their hayride was done I made sure to ask if we could go on one together. I was not about to give up my tradition of snuggling my boys, riding through dark cornfields and watching the stars, without a fight. They were more than willing.

We have a busy week ahead. We are wrapping up soccer season with tournament games and parties. Our church is having a Fall Festival on Halloween night. I am trying to do some cleaning and organizing with the anticipation of little S joining our household in the next few weeks. In the midst of it all we are trying to keep our normal school schedule.

So far I am doing well enjoying each day as it comes. Focusing on these two boys I have here right now and not allowing myself to get too caught up in the "what ifs" of the future.

Update

I think I can post this update now. Maybe. I haven't asked Aaron for official permission.

We had a rough summer in the adoption department. I won't go in to details other than to say that we suffered an emotional loss and the whole experience had us reeling a little bit. Then one evening in September our case worker showed up on our doorstep and asked if we wanted our home study to be considered for the possible placement of a 2 year old. We discussed it, decided why not, submitted our study and went about our business.

Yesterday afternoon we had a meeting with the DFCS workers. We have decided to proceed slowly with this placement. Aaron and I will meet the little boy next week and if that goes well we will start our transition visits. I would describe our emotions as cautiously optimistic. And a little bit nervous. And just a tad bit completely freaked out. We do not yet know with 100% certainty if this will be a permanent placement so we are limited in what we can say and how many details we can give. For now, we covet your prayers as we go through this process. We need wisdom. We need grace. We need provision of practical items. We need patience. We need love.

Thank you.

12 years

We had an insane week and weekend. It was all full of fun and good things, but now my little introverted self needs to take a step back and regroup. Not to mention my house is an absolute disaster and that just stresses everyone out.

Last Sunday (10/14) was our 12th wedding anniversary. This life together is an adventure. We are more and more mindful of the fact that our love for each other can only first flow out of the love we have received through Christ. This man is a gift to me. I am grateful for his love and care.

Fall!

As they say here, "Happy Fall, Y'all!"

And it is fall for real! My favorite season of cool mornings and golden evenings. Pumpkin spice coffee creamer and fuzzy slippers. Brilliant mums, breathtaking leaves, and plump pumpkins. We are enjoying every minute!

Pumpkin Picking

 

Friday dawned rainy and grey. We were scheduled to meet some of our other home school friends at a pumpkin patch. My friend Carrie had just had a baby 2 weeks ago so I offered to take her 2 oldest kids for her so she could rest. We had a great time at a family farm that had a corn maze, petting zoo, play ground, obstacle course, and hay ride out to the pumpkin patch. I did pretty well keeping track of 4 kids. My only irritation came when we were 10 minutes down the road on our way home and of course suddenly everyone had to go to the bathroom. Jeremiah and Nathaniel were so helpful and kind. We had a great day. We came home muddy and exhausted. We may just have to add pumpkin picking to our list of fall traditions.

On kids growing up

 Ya'll. Honestly. I look at these pictures and all the cliches I have ever heard about mothering flood my thoughts. When the boys were little and the days seemed never ending, and just the act of getting a shower seemed like a major accomplishment, and women would say to me, "Enjoy these days! They are precious. They will be gone too quickly." I would roll my eyes and sigh deep. I swore never to say that to a young mother with multiple little ones. But I did, just yesterday.

Yesterday morning my kids picked out these clothes. I was surprised because letting my kids pick out their own clothes means I never know what exactly they will end up with. There they were all tucked in and matching and so danged grown up looking. I took pictures before we headed off to church. I stood in the sanctuary talking to a young mother. She was tired. And overwhelmed. I was doing my best to speak grace and truth to her. To encourage. Her little one started smiling at me. He was plump and happy. The words just slipped out, the cliche, "Enjoy these days! They will be gone before you know it." I felt like rolling my eyes at myself.

What I wish I had said was:  "I know you don't believe this now, but the days do pass and before you know it they are gone. Try to treasure them. In the midst of the exhaustion and frustration find those moments that will evaporate all too quickly. Because believe it or not, as much as you can't imagine it now, there will come a day when you don't really remember his little baby smell. Or how he curls up into you to fall asleep.Ask God to show you how to enjoy these all consuming little years, instead of just trying to survive them. They will shape you in ways you never imagined. You will feel like you are losing yourself, yet becoming your truest self at the same time. And one day you will realize that your kids have spent the whole morning playing together without needing you and you will rejoice and mourn just a little bit."

I wish I had said that to her because I wish I had been able to do that myself.

not just soccer pictures

 We are in an extremely busy season of life. I feel pulled in a hundred different directions. I am trying not to let it frustrate me, but it does. I feel like nothing is really getting done right or well. So I am trying to focus on doing just one thing at a time as I can. I printed out a fall cleaning list and am trying to work in a few extra cleaning projects in between all our other stuff. Yesterday I cleaned out the fridge. That felt so good!

 

Fall is officially here. The evenings and mornings are cool. The leaves are starting to change. The boys are spending hours and hours in the backyard. It feels good to pull out our cozy fleece jackets.We also all have runny noses.

I am trying to write a resume. At this point I want to beat my head against the desk. Why can't I just write, "Worked my tail off as a social worker for 4 years, which is the equivalent of 12 years in any other industry. Have been running my household, having babies, and homeschooling for the past 7 years. Pretty sure I can do just about anything except open heart surgery. You know you want to hire me."

Parenting my kids is kicking my butt lately. I have no idea what I am doing. I keep trying to remind myself that nothing lasts forever, everything has stages. We will get through this just like we got through all the other stages of development. Right?

But despite all the busy-ness and stress and tiredness life is good. We have a full life in a terrific community with friends and family who love us well.