Update

I think I can post this update now. Maybe. I haven't asked Aaron for official permission.

We had a rough summer in the adoption department. I won't go in to details other than to say that we suffered an emotional loss and the whole experience had us reeling a little bit. Then one evening in September our case worker showed up on our doorstep and asked if we wanted our home study to be considered for the possible placement of a 2 year old. We discussed it, decided why not, submitted our study and went about our business.

Yesterday afternoon we had a meeting with the DFCS workers. We have decided to proceed slowly with this placement. Aaron and I will meet the little boy next week and if that goes well we will start our transition visits. I would describe our emotions as cautiously optimistic. And a little bit nervous. And just a tad bit completely freaked out. We do not yet know with 100% certainty if this will be a permanent placement so we are limited in what we can say and how many details we can give. For now, we covet your prayers as we go through this process. We need wisdom. We need grace. We need provision of practical items. We need patience. We need love.

Thank you.

What I learn when I admit my lack of control

We had our first home visit from a social worker last night. It wasn't a big deal. Just an informational type meeting designed to give the basic information of what DFCS (Department of Family & Children Services) does and what kinds of kids they have a need for placements for. This was not new information for us. I was a DFCS foster care and adoption case worker for 3 years. I spent a number of years teaching the classes that we are about to take.

But, it feels different to be the family on the other side of the table. As the social worker was giving us the statistics I was thinking about which of those statistics was "our child." I heard us giving our parameters of what we were willing to consider regarding age, number, and legal risk and I knew that the social worker was thinking that we weren't being very flexible. I knew that all the questions I wanted to ask didn't have answers, but I asked them anyway. 

At one point the social worker told us that there were 5 other families going through the approval process who had the same parameters that we do; foster to adopt, age 0-5years, 1-2 kids. My heart fell. The more families with these parameters the less chance that we get matched sooner. For a few minutes I allowed myself to become negative. I thought of all the ways this wasn't going to happen. I thought of all the kids that would be matched to other families. I started to wonder if it would even be worth it for us to pursue this. 

I started quickly to pray because I am learning that the only way to combat doubt and fear is through prayer and the Word of God. I am so thankful that it didn't take long before a sudden peace came over me. I realized that God has guided every one of our steps so far. He has shown answers to prayers that I didn't even know I was praying. How can I not also trust Him as the journey continues? Can I not also trust that if He knows and loves us and knows and loves our child(ren) that He will work out all the details? This process is an opportunity for me to let go of control, because I really have no choice. I have pretty much zero control. I can choose to let that make me anxious or I can choose to rest in the knowledge that I can trust the God who is in control.

If you know me at all then you know that I am a pretty controlling person. I like to think ahead. I like to make plans. I like to make plans for contingency situations. I like to have checklists and time-lines and to-do lists. I do not like unanswered questions. So I know that it is the Holy Spirit working in me when I honestly say that so far I have felt a great deal of peace, despite my lack of control of the situation. I have seen God work and answer prayer, and I know that He will work and answer prayer in the future. I know that His plans are good, even if they don't happen exactly the way I thought or on my time table.

So we are continuing one step at a time. We are trusting that as God leads us He will also provide for us. Our training classes will take place these next 2 Saturdays. There will be much to process and discuss. Will you pray with us that we will continue to rest in God's plan? And will you gracefully remind me of this post when my strength fails and I get anxious and doubting again? :-)