Early Easter

We had a lovely early Easter celebration on Saturday with the Rapier side of the family. It was a lovely spring day and we all relaxed and enjoyed each others company. Lilly and the boys played very well together and I got lots of Dylan snuggles. Jeremiah was super excited to actually get to see Dylan awake. What a blessing to have this family we love so much and get to see so often!

A quick trip

We had a lovely, quick trip to Philadelphia. It was full of all the things that make a good vacation; lovely weather, relaxed days, fun outings, and lots and lots of time with our family. There are more pictures to share, but for now this one taken by Ramona at the Philadelphia Zoo will have to do. We are back and are preparing for Easter. 

Monday morning

Pictures of us visiting Dylan a few weeks ago when he was just a week or two old. The boys love him! Jeremiah especially likes to talk about him and hold him and waits to see if he is awake. 

Monday morning again and it feels good. I am a crazy person who actually likes the fresh start of a Monday morning. I like waking, working out, setting coffee, puttering around the house getting it back in order, looking at the details of the week ahead. There is something beautiful about the week stretching ahead with its work and obligations yes, but also with its joys and precious moments. 

Jeremiah is supposed to be working on his school work before we head to the library but he got a new Lego set last night and I am giving him extra time to play with it. Plus, I hate to interrupt when the boys are playing well together. I love hearing them getting along.

I am trying to keep this week relatively quiet for us. We do have places to be in the evenings but I am trying to keep the days clear for us to enjoy this spring time together. The past few weeks have been hectic with very little breathing room and it is time to take a break, create some pockets of free time, and just be together without hurry or a schedule.

Later this week we head to Philadelphia! We will spend a few days of spring break there and be back home for Easter. I am ready for a change of scenery and some time with my family. It will be a short visit, but I am so thankful that they live close enough now that we can just hop in the van and drive on up!

I have been streaming Pandora through our new DVD player to the television during the day. I usually leave it on a channel of hymns that provide a nice backdrop to our day. I kept hearing this beautiful hymn that was new to me that I really liked. Lo and behold, we sang it in church this Sunday! It is truly my prayer that whether my circumstances be calm or stormy that I will see Jesus as the pilot of my life. Take a minute to listen to the embedded video? It is a beautiful melody.

Jesus, Savior, pilot me
Over life’s tempestuous sea;
Unknown waves before me roll,
Hiding rock and treacherous shoal.
Chart and compass come from Thee;
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

 Though the sea be smooth and bright,
Sparkling with the stars of night,
And my ship’s path be ablaze
With the light of halcyon days,
Still I know my need of Thee;
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

 As a mother stills her child,
Thou canst hush the ocean wild;
Boisterous waves obey Thy will,
When Thou sayest to them, “Be still!”
Wondrous Sovereign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

When at last I near the shore,
And the fearful breakers roar
’Twixt me and the peaceful rest,
Then, while leaning on Thy breast,
May I hear Thee say to me,
“Fear not, I will pilot thee.”
- Edward Hopper, 1871

Bounty hunters & Pirates

Life with boys is never dull...

Random Updates

There is so much going on around here that I don't really know what to say. On the flip side, there isn't really anything exciting going on around here so I don't really know what to say. Such is our life I guess, to us it is full and busy, but to others it is probably just normal and boring. Anyway, here are some updates:

Adoption

We had our first home visit from the social worker yesterday. No problems. We should be approved by the first week of April. After that it is just a waiting game. I have been using this time to read a lot about attachment and adoption. I know that I can never be truly prepared, but I want to at least have some knowledge to draw on when the time of placement arrives. However, doing lots of reading also has the effect of scaring me out of my mind at times. When I start getting frightened I take deep breaths and pray. Sounds cliche, but it works. Here is an excerpt from an email I sent to family about our home visit yesterday:

The boys remain excited. Their little hearts have proven to be so generous and compassionate. Today the social worker was asking them questions about what they thought it would be like to have another brother or sister and their answers were so thoughtful and encouraging. Nathaniel was so sweet, the social worker was asking what he would not like about having another child and he kept insisting, "There is just nothing I won't like! I like having lots of kids around. I want another brother really badly!" He was very insistent on explaining to her in great detail just how many toys and books and games and beds we have. It was cute. Jeremiah just stated matter of factly, "I want another brother. And God tells us to take care of orphans and share with people who don't have as much as we do. So of course we want to adopt children who don't have anyone to take care of them!" The faith and obedience of a child is a beautiful thing. 

 

Home Schooling 

We have 9 weeks of our curriculum left and 4 weeks of Math. It will feel good to be done for the year and take a nice long break. I continue to be surprised at how much I enjoy schooling the boys and how well it works for us right now. We are already thinking through curriculum and choices for next year. We will be visiting a science class that Jeremiah may attend in the fall. Nathaniel has been begging me for reading lessons and we are using the book Teach Your Child To Read In 100 Easy Lessons. He loves it! His letter recognition is getting better. Next year we will continue with reading and some basic math.

Baseball

Jeremiah begged us to play baseball this spring. And despite always saying that we would only be a 1 sport per year family we signed him up. His try-outs were last night. He has been assigned to a team and we start practice Thursday night. This all new territory for us. We arrived at tryouts last night with an old glove and no other gear to speak of. Most of the other kids were well provisioned with special bags to hold all their special gear. We shall see how it goes. Baseball tends to be pretty competitive around here and some of these kids have been playing since they were 3 years old. Jeremiah is excited though. He loves to practice throwing and hitting.  

Extra

We are planning on spending a few days in Philadelphia during Aaron's spring break. I am looking forward to the break and a change of scenery. 

Our time keeping our little 5 year old friend is coming to an end. Last week he didn't come to our house because his grandparents were in town and my boys missed him intensely. The 3 of them play very well together.

The weather here has been gorgeous. The boys have been spending hours and hours outside. I feel the need to spring clean and purge us of stuff. This always makes Aaron nervous.

A good day

It has been a good day. The best kind of day when nothing really special happens, but life just unfolds quietly as the day progresses. The kind of day where I feel rested and present and that our schedule is working. A day to enjoy the sun on my face as I hang clothes out on the line.  A day to rake up the fall leaves that I neglected in the fall and to enjoy the bright blooming of our daffodils. A day to watch Aaron and the boys practice baseball as the shadows lengthen. Just a good day full of simple pleasures.

Longing (and a new nephew!)

Yesterday morning the text blipped on my phone: "Cherise's contractions 10 min apart. Midwife on the way." I walked around all day with the phone in my pocket. All day long my thoughts were with my sister and brother-in-law who were laboring to bring their second child into the world. I resisted the urge to call and ask, "How is it going? What's the progress?" but they were never far from my mind and in between school work and laundry and feeding the kids at my house I offered up prayers. Jeremiah and Nathaniel were excited. They asked every few hours, "Is Dylan here yet?! When can we see Dylan?!" Bedtime came and there was still no news so I double checked that my phone was still on and the volume still up as I lay down to sleep. But sleep was elusive and every little noise jolted me awake, to check my phone again. Then around midnight it came, "He's here! Mother and baby well." My heart leaped and I turned over, finally ready to sleep.

Last night, my nephew Dylan was born. He is a Leap Year baby! Just squeaking in at 11:59pm on February 29th. This morning we oohed and aahed over the picture posted on Facebook. We waited anxiously for word from the family as to when would be a good time come and meet him. I couldn't wait to kiss those chubby cheeks in person!

One of the most difficult things for me in this adoption journey so far is the fact that I feel all the anticipation and longing of a woman who is pregnant and eagerly waiting the moment when she sees her baby face to face - but my body is not pregnant. There is no outward, visible signs of what is happening in my heart. Therefore very few people acknowledge, or ask, or want to talk about it. When I was pregnant people were always talking to me with excitement, asking me questions, discussing pregnancy and child rearing, and wondering how my other kid would adjust. I was obviously, visibly pregnant and so people reacted to that. The adoption process is not visible. No one else can see that we are working through the process of completing paperwork and being approved. No one can see the longing that is inside my heart.

But that longing is there! I know that our child is out there somewhere, and I can't yet physically touch  them. Just like a woman who is pregnant and always aware of the child growing within her, this child that we are planning for is always in the back of my mind, on the perimeter of my consciousness. I think and wonder and dream and pray. I am reading books in order to be better prepared. On Sunday mornings during worship tears spill and my heart aches because I actually feel the absence of this child that is not here yet. When we pile on the couch to read books I miss the child that we know is coming.

I am a verbal processor. I need to talk about my feelings. I need to hash through every possible scenario out loud. I need to dream out loud and be excited out loud. And without the outward physical signs of what is going on in our hearts the opportunities to talk about it are few. People don't ask, and it feels a tad narcissistic to bring it up in the course of a regular conversation.

In the absence of people to talk to I talk to God. I pour out my heart to Him. It's an almost constant conversation in my head. When I start getting anxious and worried I whisper, "You are in control, God. Please give me peace and take away this fear." I ask Him all my questions, nothing  is too mundane, "How is this going to work, Lord? Are we going to get a boy or a girl? How are we going to arrange their rooms? I wish I knew an age so I could start collecting what we need! How long are we going to have to wait?" As Jeremiah and Nathaniel ask me questions I ask for wisdom, "How do I answer this question? How do I prepare them? Will they love their new sibling?" And when the excitement and joy are just too much I rejoice, "Thank you God! You are so good! Thank you for bringing us to this point! I am so excited to be adding another child to our family!"

Oh Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you. -Psalm 38:9

For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things. - Psalm 107:9

1000 gifts - another Star Wars birthday

 - a gift: the Boba Fett helmet that Jeremiah has been talking about for a while, I found on super-sale around Christmas time and saved for his birthday, it was so much fun to watch his excitement! (Which of course you can't see in this photo.)

 - store ordered cake: not our tradition, but still enjoyed

 - friends

 - our own little family

- birthday dinner at IHOP while the men went out to celebrate Caleb

 

We had fun celebrating Jeremiah this weekend!

how did we get to Seven?

How did this boy on the left suddenly grow up and turn seven years old? His face has matured and it is more and more difficult to see the baby he once was. Instead I get more glimpses of the man he will become. Last night I gave him my special "last night you are 6" snuggles and marveled at how tall he is. Wasn't it just yesterday that he had to have his head snuggled into that perfect spot on my shoulder before he could fall asleep? I said an extra prayer over him as he slept  his deep sleep, sprawled out on his bed in his pirate pajamas.  This morning dawned bright and clear and there was so much excitement because now he is seven and doesn't have to say he is "practically seven" any more. And my mama heart strings ached just a little bit in the midst of all the joy and excitement of this new milestone.

But 6 has been good and 7 holds bright promise. Six brought even more independence. There was a long visit with opa and oma and your first trip alone with them to Florida. There were long hikes in the mountains. And zipping around the yard on your bike without training wheels. There was soccer camp and the first time spending whole days away from us for a whole week. And you learned to swim! You started 1st grade here at home and became fascinated with archeology and ancient Egypt and Greek myths. You made your first public speech at the ground breaking for the Library renovation and I was so proud of you. There were loose teeth, finally! There were hours spent reading books, as many Magic Tree House books as you could get your hands on. And of course there was your continued fascination with Star Wars and other super hero's of all kinds. Most of all, your relationship with your brother has grown deeper and more true. You are real friends now and it is beautiful for us to see. And you asked questions about God that took my breath away with their depth and insight. We see the Holy Spirit working in you son, and our prayer is that you will continue to soften your heart to His leading.

Happy Birthday Jeremiah! You will always be our "little bear" no matter how big and grown up you become. 

1 year old 

2 years old (last party without a brother around)

3 years old

 
 4 years old

5 years old
6 years old (below)

Baby Shower

The stomach bug hit us hard this week. I am just now starting to feel even remotely like myself. Thankfully Aaron was home on his winter break, so he has been caring for all of us, plus the extra kids that stay at our house during the week. He is quite the man.

Last weekend was crazy. We had a baby shower for Cherise, who is expecting baby Dylan in early March. We are all eager to meet him!

We finished our last foster/adoptive parent training session. 

This weekend is Jeremiah's birthday party. Busy, fun times here!

Bedroom re-do

A few Saturday's ago I went into mad cleaning, rearranging mode. I kept dreaming of having a bed room that feels like a place to retreat to. I kept dreaming of a no-kids zone that was comfy, cozy, romantic and most of all clean. However, I also hate to spend money and even though we needed a bed frame I was too cheap and our mattress stayed on the floor. So, we did some swapping out of furniture and I got rid of a bunch of clothes again so I could get rid of a big wardrobe and we did some major deep cleaning.

Now I smile big and happy when I enter our room!

The bed frame came from the guest room. It was a Craigslist find that we got because it came with the brand new mattress we were buying. So even though the bed frame is more elaborate than our usual minimal /modern taste it was in our house and free. And I actually think it looks nice. Without the wardrobe in the room we were able to rearrange and add a little chair in front of the window. Bliss! I can sit and read or talk on the phone while I watch the kids play out in the back yard. Or, I can just retreat and sit quiet when things are getting too chaotic.

When I walk into this room at the end of another crazy day I feel like I automatically breath deep and relax. 

I feel that change is in the air for our family. Not just with the foster/adoption thing but maybe also in other areas. Aaron and I have been doing a lot of talking about our priorities, how we want to live our lives, crazy stuff like that. We signed Jeremiah up for baseball this spring, which will be a new experience for all of us. It is so nice to have a calm retreat to escape to.

Valentine's Day - Simply Special

We have never been big Valentine's Day enthusiasts. But this year I just felt like it was a good opportunity to make my boys feel special and loved. So they had a heart-shaped brownie with a note waiting for them when they woke up this morning! Because nothing says I love you like a decadent, heart shaped brownie for breakfast! They were also super excited to have mail to open - Valentine cards from Oma and Opa. I think I will make heart shaped pizza for dinner and we will enjoy a quiet evening together. Those are our ways of finding simple ways to make each other feel special.

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head, 

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. 

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8, The Message

What I learn when I admit my lack of control

We had our first home visit from a social worker last night. It wasn't a big deal. Just an informational type meeting designed to give the basic information of what DFCS (Department of Family & Children Services) does and what kinds of kids they have a need for placements for. This was not new information for us. I was a DFCS foster care and adoption case worker for 3 years. I spent a number of years teaching the classes that we are about to take.

But, it feels different to be the family on the other side of the table. As the social worker was giving us the statistics I was thinking about which of those statistics was "our child." I heard us giving our parameters of what we were willing to consider regarding age, number, and legal risk and I knew that the social worker was thinking that we weren't being very flexible. I knew that all the questions I wanted to ask didn't have answers, but I asked them anyway. 

At one point the social worker told us that there were 5 other families going through the approval process who had the same parameters that we do; foster to adopt, age 0-5years, 1-2 kids. My heart fell. The more families with these parameters the less chance that we get matched sooner. For a few minutes I allowed myself to become negative. I thought of all the ways this wasn't going to happen. I thought of all the kids that would be matched to other families. I started to wonder if it would even be worth it for us to pursue this. 

I started quickly to pray because I am learning that the only way to combat doubt and fear is through prayer and the Word of God. I am so thankful that it didn't take long before a sudden peace came over me. I realized that God has guided every one of our steps so far. He has shown answers to prayers that I didn't even know I was praying. How can I not also trust Him as the journey continues? Can I not also trust that if He knows and loves us and knows and loves our child(ren) that He will work out all the details? This process is an opportunity for me to let go of control, because I really have no choice. I have pretty much zero control. I can choose to let that make me anxious or I can choose to rest in the knowledge that I can trust the God who is in control.

If you know me at all then you know that I am a pretty controlling person. I like to think ahead. I like to make plans. I like to make plans for contingency situations. I like to have checklists and time-lines and to-do lists. I do not like unanswered questions. So I know that it is the Holy Spirit working in me when I honestly say that so far I have felt a great deal of peace, despite my lack of control of the situation. I have seen God work and answer prayer, and I know that He will work and answer prayer in the future. I know that His plans are good, even if they don't happen exactly the way I thought or on my time table.

So we are continuing one step at a time. We are trusting that as God leads us He will also provide for us. Our training classes will take place these next 2 Saturdays. There will be much to process and discuss. Will you pray with us that we will continue to rest in God's plan? And will you gracefully remind me of this post when my strength fails and I get anxious and doubting again? :-)

Expecting...

All week long I had a  little secret tucked away. Waiting quiet. Afraid to think that it was really real. Worried that something would change. Thinking that maybe speaking the words out loud would make the dream vanish.

But it didn't vanish. And my husband started speaking it out loud. That is how I knew it was a reality.

You see, we are expecting. But I am not pregnant. What?!

Last week Aaron signed us up for the foster/adoptive parent training classes that our county requires as the first step to becoming a foster/adoptive parent. This is how my husband works. He thinks and process in his head and then he speaks to me when his mind is made up. I have been yearning to adopt for many years. Aaron, being a more patient and rational person than I has been quietly waiting and praying. So, late on Sunday night, after we were tucked in and I was drifting off to sleep my husband says, "I think it is time for us to take the classes." Lo and behold he had already been in contact with the staff person in charge of the classes And just like that the expectation began to grow.

I kept quiet all week long because what is the protocol for letting people know that you are hoping to add to your family, but aren't pregnant? There obviously aren't going to be phone calls with squeals of excitement or conversation about how you feel, when you found out, whether or not you have morning sickness. It's just kind of this threshold that has been crossed, but so many more steps lie ahead. 

We are excited and completely terrified at the same time. Excited because we long to meet "our child" and welcome them as a member of our family. Terrified because there is pretty much nothing about this process that we can control. The classes we will take this month will be the first step. Then a case worker will complete a home study. In the mean time we will be having lots of conversations about what age, how many, what special needs, how this will impact us, how this will impact our kids, how this will impact our extended family. We have no idea when a child will be placed with us.

Aaron and I have both worked in the state system. Aaron was a medicaid specialist and I was a foster care and adoption case worker. We know that the system is messed up. We know that there are many ups and downs. We know that there could be really difficult and challenging situations ahead.  We know that there will be days when our strength will fail. We are not entering into this lightly. However, we also know that there are kids in our county who are abandoned, neglected, and abused who need to be loved. We know that we don't get to ignore that need just because we want to be safe and comfortable in our own little world. We know that the Bible is very clear about caring for "the least of these." We know that we have family and friends to love and support us. We know that our God is loving and good and will sustain us through the joys and the challenges that lay ahead.

So there it is, we are expecting! But thank goodness this time around I don't have to deal with morning sickness.