We are getting further on in to December and the blog-o-sphere is full of posts about crafting, decorating, cooking, simplifying, surviving, and slowing not to mention the always hot debate of how Christians should celebrate the holiday intentionally.

I must admit, so far, I am not feeling much of the Christmas spirit. I am not really even feeling much of the Advent spirit (which is how our little family usually titles this season). The Jesse tree is up. Our Christmas tree is up and lit but as yet unadorned. The stockings are hung but I have no idea how else to dress up the mantle. I feel completely uninspired. I don't even really want to listen to the Christmas music that I usually have to make myself wait until Thanksgiving to put on.

I can't quite put my finger on it. This vague unrest I have. This undefinable weight I feel pressing me continually.

The boys are, of course, completely enthralled. They watch excitedly from the back of the van for Christmas lights. They sit in front of the (undecorated) tree and play with the Nativity (Nathaniel calls it his "activity" set) and read the special Christmas books. Jeremiah sits and looks at the World Vision Christmas catalog for hours debating whether we should buy someone a sheep or some chickens, or maybe a duck?

And I think that may be the source of my heaviness. I have learned a lot this year about children who live in poverty, children who are taken into slavery so that we can eat chocolate,
orphans, Haiti, child sex trafficking, people who are suffering for believing in Jesus. This week while 3 friends on Facebook posted their joy at the birth of a new child, I knew of 3 friends who had lost their unborn children, all at different stages of pregnancy.

I am overwhelmed.

Every day the knowledge of the darkness in this world presses on me and I feel the pressure building. Every day I feel like I am stumbling about in the darkness of my own sin.

I am a do-er. I fix things. I want action. I plan.

But outside of Jesus these things cannot be fixed.

As I type this out, trying to process, I realize: that is the waiting work of Advent. Acknowledging the dark is what makes the Light shine brighter.

And that is where I am right now. Lingering on the depth of the darkness. Not quite sure how to see the Light. Not quite sure how to be part of furthering the Light and pushing back the darkness.