Mother's Day 2012

More and more lately I sit down to blog and have absolutely no idea what to say. Life is normal, mundane and dare I say mostly boring to other people. There is also breathtaking beauty in our daily moments. We feel the joy and struggle of becoming more Christlike as we learn to love each other better. 

This Mother's Day I felt the weight of mothering in a new way. The responsibility of these souls entrusted to my care was constantly on the edge of my consciousness. I can say that I am becoming daily more and more aware of my inability to do anything, much less mother my children, in my own strength. And to my great surprise I am finding so much joy and freedom in acknowledging my weakness and laying it down. Instead of trying to fix myself, or feel guilt over all my failures, I am learning the joy of humbly coming to Jesus and resting in Him. I have prayed over and over again recently, "Lord, your Word says that I am now complete. You see me as righteous through your Son. Show me what it means to be loved, whole, and forgiven. Help me believe that I am already complete and insanely loved. Help me believe that you have already given me everything I need." 

I realize that sounds like Christianity 101. But I still struggle with the need to fix myself, to somehow think that I can earn the salvation that was freely given to me by grace. I am learning to lay that down and simply revel in the depth of love poured out on me. 

This Mother's Day was joyful and poignant. I am profoundly grateful for these boys that have been gifted to me. I feel acutely the absence of the child missing from our home. Even though our paperwork is still sitting on a social workers desk waiting to be approved (it was turned in a month ago!) and no child has yet been identified, my heart is committed and feels the absence of that child. It is difficult to explain. Yet every Sunday during worship tears fall as I contemplate the birth family, the fact that our child could be being harmed right now, the foster family that may be the temporary family, the tender heart and body of a child I have yet to meet, the ache in my arms and in my heart as I yearn.. 

In all those complicated emotions I feel deep calm and peace. I can rest in His care and love.