Until our Christmas party last Sunday my heart wasn't really into decorating and stuff was just kind of put out randomly. But last weekend I decided to pull it all together with some magnolia leaves and call it done for the year. My decorating is just a hodge-podge of things that we have collected over the years that we love. I prefer a blue, white & metallic winter theme, but other colors and styles have made their way in. Perfectly imperfect for us.
The dining room with our bright colored Advent calendar from Holland and our Jesse tree.
The last minute, thrown together from bits and pieces, center piece.
The living room. The fabric on the wall is from Africa. I have had it for a few years but have never hung it because the edges are frayed and I never found time to finish sewing it into a finished wall hanging. This year I used thumb tacks and hung it on the wall for us to enjoy. I am glad I did.
The mantel with it's mismatched stockings.
Our basket of Christmas books. I add a few new ones every year.
My spot to curl up in the sun room. My beautiful IKEA finds from last year (50cents each!).
One morning a few weeks ago Aaron woke at about 8:00 to a quiet house. Since the boys are normally early risers he went to check on them. Nathaniel was asleep in his bed but Jeremiah was out in the back yard, in the cold, in his pajamas. Aaron asked him what he was doing out there. Jeremiah replied, "I'm hunting breakfast."
We've been sick again this week. Both boys have really bad coughs and I just feel worn down and tired. It really is time to be intentional about slowing down. On Saturday we decided to do some shopping and run some errands as a family. Jeremiah started coughing really badly while we were out so Aaron bought some peppermints in an attempt to calm the coughing down. I have been talking lately to the boys about why we shouldn't eat a lot of sugar (depresses the immune system, turns into fat, takes our energy away). All of the sudden we hear Jeremiah from the back seat of the van, "Oh no! Papa! These have sugar in them! Now I am never going to feel better." A little dramatic perhaps but good to know that lesson is staying with him.
Tonight is the last night of the Jobs for Life class that I have been teaching. It has been a challenging and rewarding experience. I have been praying through how best to volunteer my time when this class is done. I was called a few weeks ago by the Director of the Sage Center (the crisis pregnancy center in our town) and asked if I would be interested in leading a weekly moms group. I would be encouraging moms and teaching basic child care. It sounds really interesting.
Last night, after our Jesse Tree reading, we sang Christmas carols and played Uno. It was so fun to just hang out with the 4 of us. Jeremiah won the game and lorded it over us with appropriate 5 year old glee.
We are hosting our small group Christmas Party this Sunday. But after that Aaron will be home for 2 weeks! I am hoping that we can slow down enough to enjoy each other and get some rest.
The Christmas Parade - new friends to watch it with - anticipation - coming out of the cold and having real hot chocolate
The Jesus Birthday Party - growing boys who love Mrs. Linda's house - a dining room table loaded down with cookies
- reading the Christmas story, every year the truth being proclaimed and the reminder of the light shining in the darkness - these people (and many more not pictured) that are part of our spiritual family, who laugh with us, encourage us, and share their lives with us - holding baby girls
Decorating Our Christmas Tree - a quiet evening all together after a busy week - the boys excitement and exclamation over every single ornament - light reflected in big blue eyes - hot chocolate and popcorn - watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" - being warm, and snug, and cozy in our home
- encouragement from God's Word; the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining. 1 John 1:8
Saturday, December 04, 2010
We are getting further on in to December and the blog-o-sphere is full of posts about crafting, decorating, cooking, simplifying, surviving, and slowing not to mention the always hot debate of how Christians should celebrate the holiday intentionally.
I must admit, so far, I am not feeling much of the Christmas spirit. I am not really even feeling much of the Advent spirit (which is how our little family usually titles this season). The Jesse tree is up. Our Christmas tree is up and lit but as yet unadorned. The stockings are hung but I have no idea how else to dress up the mantle. I feel completely uninspired. I don't even really want to listen to the Christmas music that I usually have to make myself wait until Thanksgiving to put on.
I can't quite put my finger on it. This vague unrest I have. This undefinable weight I feel pressing me continually.
The boys are, of course, completely enthralled. They watch excitedly from the back of the van for Christmas lights. They sit in front of the (undecorated) tree and play with the Nativity (Nathaniel calls it his "activity" set) and read the special Christmas books. Jeremiah sits and looks at the World Vision Christmas catalog for hours debating whether we should buy someone a sheep or some chickens, or maybe a duck?
Every day the knowledge of the darkness in this world presses on me and I feel the pressure building. Every day I feel like I am stumbling about in the darkness of my own sin.
I am a do-er. I fix things. I want action. I plan.
But outside of Jesus these things cannot be fixed.
As I type this out, trying to process, I realize: that is the waiting work of Advent. Acknowledging the dark is what makes the Light shine brighter.
And that is where I am right now. Lingering on the depth of the darkness. Not quite sure how to see the Light. Not quite sure how to be part of furthering the Light and pushing back the darkness.
I thought I should write down some of the boys recent prayers, before I forget them.
A few weeks ago we were participating in a week of prayer for the persecuted church. Nathaniel had two prayers that week that were interesting: "Dear Jesus, thank you for the people who are being persecuted, that they love you." "Dear Jesus, thank you that you have given us more than we need...so....umm....you can stop now."
Today I got a phone call from a friend. Her car had broken down and she was stranded with her son (who is the little boy we keep 1 to 2 days a week). Jeremiah has taken on a responsible, big-brother type role with Jude. We picked them up and brought them home. Tonight during our regular thankful and prayer time Jeremiah told me that he was thankful that we got to see Jude today, even if it was only for a few minutes. He then prayed, "Dear Jesus, please please please help Jude's car to be fixed without too much trouble. Please!"
And of course, lest it get too spiritual around here, it should be mentioned that Nathaniel thanks God for his new bunk beds every night.
It has been a cold, gray, rainy day here. I have finally started to get out the Christmas decorations and slowly start putting them out. My computer was down for the day so I spent the day just puttering and enjoying the transition from Thanksgiving to Advent. The computer glitch means that I don't yet have pictures to post. But the gifts over this past weekend were too numerous to count. My heart was overflowing.
- the car pulling up into the drive and my brothers and sisters pouring out, arms wide in welcome - sitting on the back deck on a sunny, warm Thanksgiving morning, savoring coffee and conversation and the knowledge that we are going to share a whole weekend together - Jeremiah's face lighting up in the attention of his uncles - a table overflowing with good food - Nathaniel's charming antics - hugs - laughter - serving by feeding - setting 8 places at the table - conversation with sisters - coming out of the kitchen and seeing my living room full with some of the people I love the most - breakfast all together - the boys and men all playing soccer in the evening sunlight - both bathrooms being used - exhaustion
I am hoping that right now (9:30pm Eastern Standard Time) my brothers and their wives are in a car driving swiftly through the night to get here! It has been a busy few days of cooking and cleaning in preparation. Tonight the house is clean. Yummy food is stocked up. We have Panera bagels and fresh fruit for breakfast when they arrive in the morning. I am ready for hugs and laughter and games and conversation. I am ready to enjoy. Happy Thanksgiving!
We finally have a real bed in our guestroom! It was a terrific find on Craigslist and I have spent the past few days puttering around in the guestroom cleaning and organizing. It really is a joy to make a room inviting and comfortable for all the loved ones we hope will come and stay.
One of the reasons we love this house is because it is so easy to have people over. The floor plan, the extra bathroom, the open space, the fenced in back yard, all these things just make it easy to invite people into our home. Even before we were married we both agreed that we wanted our home to be a place that we used to glorify God. Having people in our home means that they usually see the "real" us. There is usually a basket of unfolded laundry somewhere. The kitchen sink always has dirty dishes. Toys make their way throughout the house. The floor is dirty. Sometimes we run out of food and have to improvise at the last minute. Our kids don't always behave. Aaron and I can get snippy with each other.
But we make a real effort at opening our home because we value community. We believe that in sharing life with others we build each other up.
Recently I was re-reading The Hospitality Commands by Alexander Strauch. This quote really stood out to me:
I don't think most Christians today understand how essential hospitality is to fanning the flames of love and strengthening the Christian family. Hospitality fleshes out love in a uniquely personal and sacrificial way. Through the ministry of hospitality, we share our most prized possessions. We share our family, home, finances, food, privacy, and time. Indeed, we share our very lives. So, hospitality is always costly. Through the ministry of hospitality, we provide friendship, acceptance, fellowship, refreshment, comfort and love in one of the richest and deepest ways possible for humans to understand. Unless we open the doors of our homes to one another, the reality of the local church as a close-knit family of loving brothers and sisters is only a theory. (p.17)
Sometimes I get jealous of the church in Acts.The Bible paints such a picture of community and growth and caring! "And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts," (Acts 2:46) Sometimes in our Sunday night small group we ask, "Would we meet every day to worship together? How amazing would that be? How would it change our lives? How would it change the world?"
I'm not sure how to wrap this up. It is starting to sound preachy and holier-than-thou, which is not what I intended. It is not always easy to exercise hospitality. But I think it is always worth it.
Next week my 2 brothers and their wives will be here. I am so excited that they will be here in our home and that we will be sharing life together for a few days. I pray that our home will be full of laughter, play, fellowship and prayer not to mention good food!
My heart is very full today. Our church service yesterday, starting off a week of prayer for the persecuted Church, convicted me. I find myself today in the midst of doing mundane tasks with a pain in my heart. I feel unsettled. I feel stretched and uncomfortable. Because dwelling too long on my worldliness as opposed to the suffering of others for the gospel is just uncomfortable. Which of course, it should be.
Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body. - Hebrews 13:3
I don't know yet exactly how this will change my actions. But I know that my heart is changing. It is scary sometimes. It is scary because deep down inside this changing of my heart means that my life also needs to change. That there are things that I need to let go of and things that I need to be willing to accept if I truly want to be part of advancing the Kingdom.
So my gifts today are written with a trembling hand, because as deeply as I desire comfort I am learning that I want to love God more...... - conviction that lingers and feels of the Spirit and not simply of guilt - church leadership that is transparent and challenging - singing in worship, The earth will be filled with glory like water over the sea and knowing deep down that it is true - tears - feeling the reality of Heaven and the life to come - friends who are walking this journey of learning to live more deeply in the Spirit with us
A few weeks ago a younger lady (I want to say "girl" but am restraining myself since she was a college student) asked me during Jobs for Life, "So what are your vocational goals?" It stopped me short. I hemmed and hawed. I had absolutely no answer.
In the past 5 years it has never occurred to me to have a goal for my life other than being a wife and a mother. Because for me, being a wife and a mother in this season took all the energy I had. The past 5 years of my life have been a season of complete giving of myself. Being pregnant. Nursing babies. Losing sleep. Constant supervision. Lugging diaper bags. Spending days just trying to keep us all fed and clothed and our environment relatively clean. Oh, yeah, and trying to be a good wife too.
I'm OK with that. I don't feel like I "gave up" anything, or lost myself. On the contrary, I gained so much! And in that strange Biblical way of opposites I found so much of myself in the losing of the self that I was.
I have noticed though, that the past few weeks have brought with them a certain restlessness. As the boys gain independence and I find more time that is my own I find myself starting to think forward a bit more. I am starting to regain the sense of who I am and my own dreams apart from my children.
I don't know what God has in store. I have burdens and dreams in my heart, but I know that God is in control and will mark out the path.
Today is my 34th birthday. I woke up to Nathaniel's gentle fingers on my face. A full pot of hot coffee was waiting in the kitchen along with a note from Aaron. I have spent the morning cleaning and home schooling. I am anticipating eating dinner out tonight. I told Aaron that I want to go clothes shopping, without children (!), and maybe find some clothes to get me out of the "stay-at-home-mom" cliche. I am anticipating a gathering of friends in my home on Sunday afternoon to celebrate a new life about to enter the world. I am starting to make preparations for a house full of family for Thanksgiving.
I realize as I sit here that I am content.
I am learning that there are seasons of life and I don't have to do everything all at once. I am learning the truth of the statement:
Loving where you are is a way to love who He is. -Ann Voskamp
When it all boils down to it, all I want is to love Him more. And I think, that even though I have a long way to go, this past year has brought deeper love and more contentment. I am thankful.
- brilliant fall leaves - crisp skies - new sleeping bags - communal meals - making new friends - watching Nathaniel charm college girls into taking him into the woods to look for sticks - Jeremiah's independence - thoughtful conversations - laughter, lots of it! - daily worship, what a gift! - transparency - praying for a friend - crying with a friend - knowing that God is among us as we seek to live and love and serve in this community - living together for a weekend, a small taste of heaven, come quickly Lord Jesus!
Jeremiah and Nathaniel are so excited they can hardly contain themselves. This evening we leave for our church's weekend retreat, which Jeremiah and Nathaniel call "camp." The fun of the ages that we are entering in now is that the boys can remember things. Especially Jeremiah who has a mind like a steel trap. He remembers the cabin we slept in last year, and the 6 other people who were in that cabin, and all the equipment on the play ground, and how we ate all our meals with everyone in the dining hall (which he calls a restaurant), and how we hiked back and forth up the side of the hill from our cabin to the main lodge every day. He even remembers exactly what the bathrooms in the cabins look like for goodness sake.
I can't help but smile at Jeremiah's excitement. Because I still have memories of spiritual retreat in Nigeria. I vaguely recollect the cabins we stayed in. I clearly remember the gross oatmeal we had every morning. I remember the dusty paths and the trees. I remember the old green swing that hung from the branches of one of those trees. I remember the little stone wall that we would balance and play games on. I remember the joy and safety of being surrounded by people that I knew and loved.
I was looking forward to the retreat, but honestly, as exhaustion and sick linger the preparations are daunting and the idea of trying to sleep on an uncomfortable bunk bed in a room full of people exhausts me even more. Yet, as I see "camp" through the eyes of my children it takes on a whole new significance and excitement. How wonderful to have this opportunity to give my kids the same memories of excitement, fun, and community that I have.
I usually like to be on the go. Staying at home all day with the kids sometimes felt claustrophobic to me and so I filled our days with outings, play dates, library trips, grocery shopping, and more play dates so that I didn't feel isolated and alone. Last week I felt feverish and just completely exhausted. I canceled everything on our calendar for the week and we spent the days in our most comfortable clothes. We snuggled on the couch together (now that it is big enough to fit all of us!) and watched tv. We read lots of books. We played games. The boys spent hours together playing make believe and coloring pictures. This week Jeremiah has had a fever and we are halfway through week 2 of staying quietly here at home. I thought by now that I would be going crazy. Yet, when I woke this morning I realized that I welcomed another day to stay at home. I am so surprised! But I have seen some definite benefits for us in this quieter, stay-at-home-more lifestyle.
The boys relationship The boys have hit a stage in which they are really learning to play together and be friends. They literally happily entertained themselves for hours last week. I heard a lot less arguing and screaming and much more cooperation and laughter. Some of the conversations I overheard had me laughing! I am seeing new maturity in Jeremiah in his willingness to let go of his "everything has to be my way, and perfect" mentality. It is clear that being here at home has meant that they have had to learn to get along and be play mates.
Discipline/Obedience Being at home meant that I had time to work on instruction and discipline routines that we were letting go of in our busyness. It was easier for me to be calm and consistent when I didn't feel the pressure to get us out the door and on to the next activity.
Keeping up with housework = less stress The weekend before I got sick we had a marathon cleaning/organizing session. Even though I had pretty much no energy the week that I was sick it was easier to keep the house in some semblance of order. I am by no means a perfectionist when it comes to cleaning but having a dirty and disorganized house can stress me out. Being on the go a lot meant that cleaning and organizing just didn't happen.
School work I admit that we were fitting in bits of school work here and there amongst our other activities. We didn't really have a routine and some days we would just breeze through the work in order to check it off and move on to "fun stuff." Yikes! That is not fostering a love of learning, which was the original reason we decided to home school. I have some serious thinking to do about the structure of our schooling days.
Rest God created rest for a reason. Activities and outings and play dates are fun but we need rest to keep our bodies and relationships healthy.
I am realizing that I need to be more intentional about our schedule. As much as I love being on the go and having a constant stream of people in and out of the house I am seeing that we may be entering a season in life in which we just need to make it a priority to slow down for the good of our family.
A few months ago Jeremiah came to me and announced that he wanted to be a paper bag for the harvest party. Why? Because then no one would know who he was of course! However, a friend of his had a whole room of costumes and let the boys each borrow one. Since the boys are currently obsessed with all things Star Wars Jeremiah chose to be Darth Vader and Nathaniel chose to be a clone trooper. Jeremiah's main concern was that no one could guess who he was. One well meaning friend of ours identified him which sent Jeremiah into tears. Yet, I was so proud of him when a bigger, rougher kid broke his light saber (which was his most prized possession at that point). He was calm and self-controlled although obviously sad and disappointed.
We had another fun evening out at Linda's place. The boys have been there enough now that they know the boundaries of the 3 acre play area and run off to explore the minute we get out of the van. I got a little bit nervous when the sun set and they were still running around in the pitch dark, but Aaron reminded me that we are trying to give our kids room to range and encourage independence. So, I took a deep breath, and tried to relax while they continued to have a blast in the dark.
There were the traditions of the chili cook-off and roasting hot dogs over the bonfire. The kids listened to Linda tell a story. And of course, the hay ride. Which was actually a tad bitter sweet for me this year. Jeremiah asserted his growing independence and insisted on sitting in the front with his friends, as far away from me as possible. Nathaniel wanted to sit next to Ruth and Eli and had no interest in snuggling up with me. Aaron was riding in the front vehicle helping out. So I sat in the back, leading songs, laughing with some of the little girls who were clustered around me, watching my boys with their friends, and wondering at how fast time flies.
This week the gifts are not numbered, but here they are: It was the perfect kind of weekend. The kind filled with fun and friends and good food and lack of naps and a house full of people. After small group left we tucked two exhausted boys into bed. But their excitement over their new sleeping place was such that we could hear their chattering continue for another hour before they finally gave in to sleep. The air was balmy for an October night so the windows were left open and we were awakened in the wee hours of morning to a crashing thunderstorm. I snuggled under the blankets, reveling in the feeling of warmth and safety as the wild storm played outside. When I woke the rain was continuing to fall. The house was quiet. The combination of exhaustion and overcast skies helped the boys sleep until 8:30 a.m.! We puttered around the house. I worked in their room moving furniture, organizing toys, vacuuming up dust bunnies while they claimed the middle bunk as their fort. I listened to them chatter as they laid out blankets and staked out their separate territories. I smiled as I heard an avid discussion as to whether the fort was their Peter Pan house or a pirate ship. I have seen a real friendship develop between Jeremiah and Nathaniel in the past week and it has warmed my soul. Jeremiah is showing new maturity. My dreams and prayers for my boys are taking shape before my eyes. This bunk bed itself is an answer to a prayer that I had been quietly praying the past few months. "God, you know what we need. Please provide." And last Wednesday evening a friend came up to me and said, "We are moving and need to get rid of bunk beds. Would you like them?" My eyes teared up. I explained my quiet prayer. How his gesture of generosity was building my faith. On this rainy Monday morning I feel full of gratitude. This life I have been given is a truly beautiful gift.
I join the gratitude community on Ann Voskamp's blog.
I have been thinking a lot over the past few years about consumption and materialism in relationship to faith. I have struggled often in my heart when I think about purchasing something new because I want to be a good steward of what I have been given. One verse plays in my mind over and over again:
Do not love the world or the things of the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world - the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and the pride in possessions - is not from the the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of the Father abides forever. - 1 John 2:15-17
If this verse is true (which I believe it is) then how should my life look? How will my actions reflect my belief?
I recently read something on another blog that was so encouraging to me because it gave some specific tools to evaluate "the things of this world." The author of the blog heard a speaker (Crawford Loritts) give 3 questions to help in evaluation:
1. The motive question: Why do I want this? 2. The worship question: Does what I want consume, control, or change me? 3. The purity question: Am I clean? Is my heart contaminated?
I was so excited to see this because I feel like now, instead of just walking around feeling guilty all the time, I can use these questions to evaluate my consumption.
Last night was the very last soccer game of the season for the "Kicks." It was a beautiful fall evening, clear with just a slight hint of coolness in the air.
Warming up.
Jeremiah liked to take charge during warm up time. He always ended up in the goal position, loudly telling all the other boys what to do. Notice Nathaniel in there? He was convinced he was on the team since coach Neal always let him practice with them. He can hardly wait until next year when he can officially be on a team.
Running, running, running.....
Jeremiah really enjoyed playing defense this year. He understood his task and did it with great gusto. However, once he kicked the ball away he thought his job was done and proceeded back to stand exactly on his assigned spot to wait for someone to approach him again.
As much as he loved defense, he loved playing goalie better. He was pretty good at it too. Something about it just seemed to make sense to him.
The trophy.
Jeremiah still has his trophy from last year in a place of pride next to his bed. He was so excited to get another trophy this year. Nathaniel pitched an all out screaming fit (in the middle of Pizza Hut and all the way home) when he realized that he wasn't going to get a trophy. Jeremiah in a beautiful, unprompted, act of generosity gave (as in gave for good) Nathaniel his trophy from last year. When I told him how proud I was of him for being so kind and generous he said, "Well, I just really want my brother to be happy." My eyes got teary at that moment.
After the game we ended up with a van full of boys since Levi (Jeremiah's team mate) and his brother Riley (Nathaniel's buddy) wanted to ride with us. It was a loud and crazy ride. But Aaron and I were smiling silly at each other as we listened to the friendly play and chatter (and punching and yelling) that were coming from the back. It feels good to watch our sons make friends. It feels good for us to make new friends outside of church. It feels good to be riding to Pizza Hut with a van full of boys who are loud and crazy and anticipating eating cake. :-)
A few interesting notes: * One night when I was tucking Jeremiah into bed after a game he told me that he liked games better than practice because his team always wins. Interested to hear his definition of winning I asked him how he knew his team had won. "Well, because we always have fun and try our best!" was his confident answer. I told him that was true, but that another way to win a game was to be the team who scored the most goals. He looked at me like I was crazy and didn't know what I was talking about. It is funny how at this age it is pretty clear that some kids have a competitive spirit and others don't. Some kids get on the field and really attack the ball and are intent on scoring goals. Others (like Jeremiah) have some concept of the game, but really just want to run around and cheer excitedly when a team mate scores a goal.
* Last night I noticed that when Jeremiah played offense he was running up the field, parallel to his team mates and on the opposite side of the field from the ball. So later that night I asked him what he was doing. "Well, I had a plan," came the immediate answer, "I thought that if I could go fast around the guys in the black shirts we could make a trap and keep them away from the ball. So even though I was away from the ball I could get closer to the ball in the end when the black team was trapped. But no one on my team was cooperating." Pretty good strategy for a 5 year old!
* Halfway through the season we were having some trouble with Jeremiah getting into trouble on the sidelines, pushing and kicking. So we had pretty much laid down the law, if we saw him hitting or kicking we were leaving immediately. At one point during a game I looked over and saw that Jeremiah had organized a game of "duck, duck, goose" with the kids waiting on the sidelines. It was hilarious to watch. After that he organized them all to cheer, "GOOAAALLL!!!!" loudly for a good 5 minutes.
So it was a good soccer season. We all made new friends and we all had fun. Jeremiah learned a lot more about the game of soccer. He also learned a lot about getting along with other people. We will have our Monday and Tuesday evening's back, but we will miss the opportunity we had to socialize and enjoy being outside and involved in something together. We are retiring the cleats until next year when we will have 2 boys on different teams. Oh my!
Note: I was going to wait to post this until I had time to edit the pictures. But since I know that will never happen I just put them up "as is."
The dining room with our bright colored Advent calendar from Holland and our Jesse tree.
The last minute, thrown together from bits and pieces, center piece.
The living room. The fabric on the wall is from Africa. I have had it for a few years but have never hung it because the edges are frayed and I never found time to finish sewing it into a finished wall hanging. This year I used thumb tacks and hung it on the wall for us to enjoy. I am glad I did.
The mantel with it's mismatched stockings.
Our basket of Christmas books. I add a few new ones every year.
My spot to curl up in the sun room. My beautiful IKEA finds from last year (50cents each!).
