a new niece!

I have lived away from my family for more years than I have lived with my family. It is just a fact of my life. Some of the people I love the most are not a daily part of my life. Most of the time I am okay with it. It is not ideal but we were all raised to be independent people and so we pursue our lives and passions without guilt. We have learned how to communicate and maintain relationship over time zones and telephone wires. But last week Saturday when my sister-in-law called to tell me that she was in labor (finally!) I wanted to curse the miles between us. It suddenly wasn't enough to be receiving the updates via text message. I wanted to be there, in the waiting room with the rest of my family, ready to celebrate this new little life. As the pictures come up on Facebook I want to be there, welcoming them home as a new little family, watching them revel in the awe of being new parents, making meals, and of course snuggling the baby. Sometimes, distance just sucks and there is nothing to do about it. Thankfully we all live on the same side of the ocean now so hopefully it won't be too long before we can visit and enjoy all the new baby sweetness but for right now pictures and text messages and Skype and Facebook updates will have to do. 

Welcome to the world little Lieke! We love you and can't wait to meet you!

Sickness...

We are officially 2 weeks behind on our core curriculum for school. The boys have both been sick. I have been sick (again). I had a wisdom tooth removed. Aaron has been home taking care of us for 6 days straight and today he went back to work. The mornings are the worst for me. All the congestion makes me nauseous and the fact that I haven't eaten much makes me weak.

This morning I was tempted to despair. It was very slow going getting breakfast out, refereeing the boys arguments, getting school started, looking around the house and seeing everything that needs to be done but having no energy to do it. I just want to feel well again so I can have energy to do everything that I need to do.

This morning I read from Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick:
In my own life I frequently have to pray this way [reminding self of the basics of the gospel] numbers of times before I can silence the dreadful harping of my proud heart. I have to remind myself over and over that his righteousness is now mine and that the way my heart harasses me is more a function of my pride and self-sufficiency that a sincere desire for godliness. If godliness before him is what I was really after, then one look at the cross and empty tomb would suffice. But I can see that I'm frequently more concerned about whether I approve of myself than the fact that he approves of me. I sinfully long to be able to look at my life and feel good about my personal accomplishments -See what a good mother I am!- and it's that desire that spawns crushing guilt. The only was to silence my heart and find solace is to continually remind myself of my new identity in Christ and to be satisfied with that alone. If  I try to be satisfied in my own accomplishments or identity, I'll never know the comfort he promised. "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laded," he calls, "and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matt. 11:28-30)

When I come to him in meekness and dependence, I'll learn the difference between proud self-condemnation (which is all about me) and humble conviction of sin (which is about him, his grace, and his law). His yoke is easy; his burden light. I can come to him and find rest for my soul, but I must come in humility and brokenness (1 Pet. 5:5).

So today I am coming to Him in humility and brokenness. I am trusting that my worth has nothing to do with how much school or house work gets done. If I need to rest I will rest. I will not beat myself up over all the things I think I should be doing (making meals for friends who just had babies) but simply do the next thing in front of me. I will trust that He has already perfected me and given me just what I need for today.

Good stuff

I finally feel the calm of "normal" life returning! The Christmas decorations are put away and the house has generally been tidied. The kitchen is restocked with healthy food and a meal plan hangs on the fridge. Regular bedtime and morning routines are once again in place. We have started school again.

My alarm goes off at 6:00am but I am slow to wake. At about 6:30 I get my cup of coffee from the pot that Aaron has set and fresh for me every morning. I take it back to bed and in the cozy light read my Bible, scribble in my journal a bit, and pray. Most mornings I hear the boys starting to stir at about 7:30 and I am ready to greet them with enthusiasm and joy. This morning Jeremiah wakes before Nathaniel and joins me. He snuggles under the covers and we chat. He tells me about a scary dream he had a few days ago but didn't want to talk about. As I look at his face I marvel at the blue of his eyes. I catch another glimpse of the young man he is becoming. At a pause in the conversation he gets up. Before I can ask what he is doing he is back with his Bible. He turns to the back where he has found a kids Bible reading plan. He enthusiastically begins reading in Matthew and in no time at all has checked off 3 days worth of reading.

Nathaniel is obviously slow to wake this morning. At about 8:30 he joins us, dressed in his favorite sweat pants. It is his 3rd day in a row in the camo pants, but I let it pass. He crawls up and snuggles because morning snuggles are one of his favorite things.

The morning unfolded and it was good. We enjoyed breakfast. We prayed and I loved hearing the boys voices praying for others. We cleaned up the school room and got rid of a lot of clutter without any arguments or frustration. We did school work and spent an hour snuggled on the couch with our read-aloud.

And I realized that these are the moments to cherish. I spend so much time wishing I was a better mother, beating myself up over all the ways I fail or all the things I leave undone, that I miss these moments. I miss the good stuff that is going on here. 

Christmas Pictures

 Uncle Ben is always fun to hang out with.

 Sunday afternoon football watching.

 Ready for Christmas Eve service.

 Watching the snow start to come down!

 Silliness. 

 Oma & Opa's house on Christmas Eve. Just enough snow to make it magical. 

 First clue to the treasure hunt for their presents.

 Teaching Opa to play Temple Run.

 Jeremiah gets the glowing Buddha that he was eying during the White Elephant gift exchange.

 Stockings at Grandmom and Grandad's house

I didn't take very many pictures at all this year. So here are some of the ones I did. Good memories.

A quietly merry Christmas

It has been a quiet Christmas. We went to Philadelphia for a week and reveled in the quiet joy of being surrounded by family. I was pretty sick, but kept hoping that I would suddenly wake up better. Back at home, loaded with antibiotics, and starting to feel more like my normal self and I am realizing just how sick I was. But it was lovely to be with my parents, rest on the couch, watch my kids play with their grandparents and uncles and aunts. It was lovely to just let Christmas happen without feeling the need, or desire, to frantically plan events, details, perfection. We didn't even take many pictures, which I will probably regret later.

My heart has been tender lately. I feel emotional and vulnerable. I am trying to let myself just be and not try to fix. I am searching God's Word and world for His love for me. I am seeking and asking. His love has been taking me by surprise, brilliant, brief moments of deep awareness that flit across my consciousness and are quickly gone. I want to grip tight to those moments but I rest knowing that they will come again.

Today we began bringing order back to the chaos that is our house. Clutter and disorder stresses me out so I slowly began taking down the decorations, vacuuming the play/school room, trying to get the boys to organize their new toys. Aaron goes back to work on Wednesday and I want us to be ready to jump back into our normal routine.

This is the first year that Jeremiah has been aware of "New Year." He heard there is supposed to be a party at church and is excited. I have no desire to stay up until midnight and was hoping for a quiet night at home with hot chocolate and a good book. I guess we are going to have to come up with some kind of compromise.

Now, it is time for a nap.

Small Group and Community

 The kids waiting on the Christmas parade. It is small town and corny but the kids love it. It is mostly a hit because they get free candy. And this year a guy was dressed as a Storm Trooper so that was an added bonus for our boys.

Decorating and eating Christmas trees at our small group Christmas gathering. 

Every Sunday night a group of people meet at our house. A gaggle of kids ranging in age from newborn to elementary school aged make noise and play games and wander through our time of discussion and prayer. This group of people, unlikely friends to outside eyes, they know us. We discuss Sunday's sermon and how to apply it to our lives. We pray together. We cry together. We ask questions about God's Word together. We celebrate with each other and we mourn with each other. We try to help each other practically as best we can. These people are part of our community. Our family. The wise old gentleman and his wife who have lived long and seen much and pray deeply and still get teary eyed over the wonder of God's love. The family from a country far away whose culture is different and who show us what sacrifice and commitment and hard work and faith look like. The family of blended cultures whose language I don't always understand but who are quietly, patiently, hard workingly faithful and wonderfully encouraging. The farmer's family who work the earth and run summer camp and provide us with good food and let our kids run wild over their land. There are other families who come and go as their schedules allow.

We are not perfect. We have much to learn about being more intentional, about loving each other well. But every Sunday night we make the effort. We gather. As time has passed and we have shared, struggled, and celebrated together our bonds have formed. These people are part of my tribe, my family.

"The Day That Our Lord Came Down"

At the concert the other night we were introduced to another band, Pas Neos. We have really enjoyed their music. They have deep, spiritual, meaningful, biblical lyrics. The boys especially like me to crank up the CD and rock out. They were an amazing band to watch live. And again, we were in a small, intimate venue which makes a concert experience so much more intense I think.

Anyway, I love Christmas music but over the years I have been more selective about what Christmas music we purchase. I want music that reminds me of the miracle of Christ coming to earth. This song has been on repeat in my kitchen this week. It is a perfect Advent song.



The Day That Our Lord Came Down
(Num. 24:17, Mt. 2, Lk. 1&2)
 Rejoice O daughter and highly favored one! The Lord of hosts gives the holy hill to your Son! Blessed among women is the mother of Immanuel!

This day your eyes have seen salvation, Israel's splendor and consolation. the King became humanity's crown the day that our Lord came down.

Look to the heavens, a guiding sing in the eastern sky! her dawning leads you to the birth of Dayspring's light! a star out of Jacob, and a scepter from Israel. Glory to God in the highest - and eternal life among those of His delight! the praise of the host of heaven sounds, the day that our Lord came down. 

He has made a better way! The Savior come in infant frame, amidst scattered sheep, a Shepherd's found, the day that our Lord came down. He has made a better way! The Firstborn Lamb and Child of Praise, the glory of God shone in Bethlehem town, the day that our Lord came down. 

(From The Wheat And The Tares cd)

Concert - Future of Forestry

We went out last night. Actually paid a baby sitter and went to see Future of Forestry in concert. We were wavering about going but we finally made the decision to just do it. I am so glad we did. This was an amazing, soul nourishing, worshipful experience with talented musicians.

Enjoy this video of "O Holy Night", one of my favorite Christmas songs. Then find them on YouTube and watch more of their music. Really amazing stuff. And if you get a chance to see them live, make it happen, you won't regret it.

Randomness

It has been a quiet week around here. I came down with a bad cold. I have spent most of my time resting in bed while the boys amuse themselves. I am going to brag on them. They have played so well together and done such a great job of keeping themselves occupied while I rested. Jeremiah showed so much maturity and independence, even making lunch a couple of times. And of course Aaron has been amazing, working hard all day then coming home to cook dinner and deal with the evening routine.

This year I am learning to embrace imperfect. To just take one day at a time. We have decorated our tree and put up our Jesse Tree. But not much else "Christmas-y" has happened. I am okay with that. Our favorite Christmas tradition anyway is to sit in front of the tree and read Christmas books, and that happens a lot. Tonight we will go to the annual Christmas parade in our town. It is nothing spectacular to adults, but the boys love it and we will go as long as they want to. Our Jesse Tree tradition has been somewhat simplified, we are following 24 readings from The Jesus Storybook Bible. We are re-using our ornaments from our Ann Voskamp readings.  Our Christmas cards are done. We didn't have a good, recent family picture so I made a collage and called it a day.

We do have preparations to make for spending Christmas week in Philadelphia. But again, simple, imperfect, easy are all being embraced.

School this week has consisted of Jeremiah doing his math work sheets on his own. He has been spending a lot of time doing creative writing in the new book he bought, Write Your Own Story Book. Literally, he has been spending hours concocting stories. So I am calling that Language Arts for the week. One evening he crawled up into bed with me for some snuggles. He had his book and read me some of what he wrote. I asked him why he liked writing so much. He said, "Because you can use your imagination. It's like writing down what you see in your brain. Like writing your brain down on paper." He then concocted a plan in which he would write stories and give them to the people we know at the Library to read. If they like the stories then maybe he could get them published. His exact words, "I want to write some books and have them published so that they can be at the library and for sale at bookstores and yard sales."

So there you have it.

Peaceful moments

It was a pretty restful day. We had a few things to do and errands to run but in general we were able to take full advantage of some gorgeous weather we are having. I even ended up taking a 2 hour nap in the sun on our back deck. It was blissful! All the trees but our Japanese maple have dropped their leaves. This tree is a show stopper when the late afternoon sun hits it just right.

busy & relaxing days

Thanksgiving break is finally here! We are more than ready to have Aaron home for the week and just enjoy some quiet time together. Last week we had two evenings home in a row and it felt so nice to be back in our regular evening routine again. I had forgotten how nice it is to not have to hurry dinner time, or bath time, or bed time.

Jeremiah is sick. He has had some strange coughing issues since August. We have tried some different treatments and the coughing always seems to return. This time the congestion got so bad he has an ear infection. Poor kid. The doctor suggests allergy and asthma testing as our next step. Sigh...

Our plan for this week is rest, rest, and more rest. And a few household chores. And Thanksgiving. And an overnight visit with little S man. If you are interested in reading about our process with him you can click on my "Other Blog" link in the side bar of this blog. I am trying to keep that separate for a while for confidentiality purposes.

Thanksgiving is my favorite "holiday." I feel like we have been in such a whirlwind that I haven't really had time to prepare my heart and mind. Hoping that this week we can slow down and refocus a bit. Hope you get the chance to do that too.

soccer champs!

On Saturday the Wolverines played in the championship game for the 4&5yr old division from our area. They played really, really well and won the game 4-2! (I will be honest here and say that the other team scored 2 own goals, but I think our team would have won anyway, they were on fire!) And Nathaniel scored a goal! He has been working hard all year to score. He is an amazing dribbler, but not quite as fast as some of the other kids on his team. So he would work really hard to dribble around everyone on the field and get the ball into the box, and then someone else would score. Oh well. On Saturday he scored and celebrated his goal in true professional voetball style - arms in the air, gigantic smile, and ran right to me to give me a hug! Yes. I was THAT mom, screaming crazy at the sideline and swinging my boy around. It was awesome.

We really enjoyed these kids this year. They were full of energy and enthusiasm. And there isn't much cuter than 4&5 year olds playing soccer. We made some new friends again this year which is always fun.

Go Wolverines!

36

Some years birthdays come with lots of fanfare and extravagant celebration. Some years the introspection is deep. This year my birthday came quietly and gracefully. Another day in this blessed life. A day full of little every day joys like hot coffee and my Monday breakfast date with Nathaniel while Jeremiah is in science class. It was also a day with a couple of extra surprises thrown in like a thoughtful gift from my sister-in-law by my door when I got home. And a few extra treats for myself (two pieces of pumpkin pie in one day!). A day to do the normal daily thing like dishes and nap time and laundry, and end with dinner out and a complete conversation with my husband. A day to enjoy the messages on my Facebook feed (thanks Ben for making me cry!), the text messages, and the phone calls.

I hate taking pictures of myself. I hate posting pictures of myself. I literally cringe when I see a picture of myself. But I think that I am starting to change a bit in this area. I am trying really hard to celebrate myself in a healthy way. I am trying to be thankful for this physical body that I have been given and to maybe even see it as beautiful. Maybe. I am still working on that.

With that in mind - here is a picture of me, all by myself, on my 36th birthday. 

Season ends

Yesterday was a perfect fall day! It was warm, sunny, and the leaves were brilliant. We finished up the soccer season with both teams. The Wolverine's (Nathaniel's team) played in their tournament first. They won their game so they play in the championship next Saturday! The Fireballs played in their tournament as well. Unfortunately they lost their game and so their season is officially over. We then headed out to Camp New Dawn for celebratory ice cream sundaes and the presentation of trophies. The kids played on the property and wore themselves out while the adults visited.
This was a great soccer season. Both teams played hard and learned a lot. We made new friends and enjoyed catching up with old ones.
Go team!

When school unfolds differently than planned

This was technically week 10 of our Sonlight curriculum. Let me be honest with you here, I still don't feel like we have hit our groove with school this year. We have had a string of super busy weeks and I am just fitting our school work in as we can. At the beginning of this week I was feeling discouraged. I was pretty sure I was not doing this whole thing "right." I wasn't sure if my hands-off approach to school lately has been wise (philosophy of unschooling!) or a result of laziness.

Today is the first day in longer than I can remember that we don't have something to do and somewhere to be. I had planned for us to buckle down and catch up on some school work. But we all slept in. I woke at 8:30 to the sound of the boys playing Lego's in their room. When I jokingly declared that I was too tired to make breakfast Jeremiah said, "Don't worry mama. I know how to make eggs. Let me make breakfast!" He seemed so enthused and excited that I let him. Would you believe it, 20 minutes and a messy kitchen later breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast was on the table! We tried to sit down and do some math but I got frustrated with the attempt of trying to keep the boys focused. So instead of yelling at them I sent them outside to play. When I got out of the shower I ventured in to the back yard to see what was going on. They had constructed "speeder bikes" out of various things and were having races.

So no, our school year is not unfolding how I had planned. But we are reading - a lot. And we do math worksheets almost every day. Jeremiah is loving his science class. Nathaniel is starting to scribble out little notes on various pieces of paper all over the house. Somehow to my surprise Jeremiah can name the basic parts of a sentence. They are being creative. They are learning to be real brothers and friends. So I guess, even though I am not checking off our lesson plans as I would like, we are still doing okay.

Dressing up

First off, let me just say that my son is growing up way too fast! When I posted these pictures on Facebook I got comments from people saying how they didn't recognize him, how he looks like a pre-teen. And all I can say is, yikes! It is scary how fast Jeremiah is growing up!

Second, I know that a lot of people would (and did) question my choice to let Jeremiah dress up as something scary this year. In my defense; he has no idea what a vampire really is. He saw a picture of a Lego one in his Lego magazine and decided that is what he wanted to be for Halloween. (I can't say I appreciate a magazine geared toward elementary aged children promoting under-wordly things like vampires and zombies.) He took complete initiative and got the whole costume together. I did take him to Goodwill where he looked around and found the tie, vest, and cape all by himself. Aaron bought the face paint at the Dollar Tree. I just couldn't bring myself to squelch his creativity and initiative.

We took the opportunity to talk about maturity. He volunteered to only wear the vampire costume to the Harvest Party, not to the church sponsored Fall Festival. We talked about his responsibility not to scare other children and we asked him not to threaten to "suck your blood!" while we were at the Harvest Party.

He was so excited about this costume!

I feel like we struck a good balance of letting him use his creativity but also be mindful and respectful of others.

All I can say is that the current popular vampire heart-throb has nothing on my handsome boy!

Tradition

Our annual Harvest Party, hayride picture.

Because we moved so much I didn't grow up with many traditions, so it is a bit strange for me to have yearly pictures of this annual tradition. But I love it! The boys went on the first hayride all by themselves. They were off and loaded and on their own adventure with a group of "big kids" before I even had a chance to realize what was going on. After their hayride was done I made sure to ask if we could go on one together. I was not about to give up my tradition of snuggling my boys, riding through dark cornfields and watching the stars, without a fight. They were more than willing.

We have a busy week ahead. We are wrapping up soccer season with tournament games and parties. Our church is having a Fall Festival on Halloween night. I am trying to do some cleaning and organizing with the anticipation of little S joining our household in the next few weeks. In the midst of it all we are trying to keep our normal school schedule.

So far I am doing well enjoying each day as it comes. Focusing on these two boys I have here right now and not allowing myself to get too caught up in the "what ifs" of the future.

Update

I think I can post this update now. Maybe. I haven't asked Aaron for official permission.

We had a rough summer in the adoption department. I won't go in to details other than to say that we suffered an emotional loss and the whole experience had us reeling a little bit. Then one evening in September our case worker showed up on our doorstep and asked if we wanted our home study to be considered for the possible placement of a 2 year old. We discussed it, decided why not, submitted our study and went about our business.

Yesterday afternoon we had a meeting with the DFCS workers. We have decided to proceed slowly with this placement. Aaron and I will meet the little boy next week and if that goes well we will start our transition visits. I would describe our emotions as cautiously optimistic. And a little bit nervous. And just a tad bit completely freaked out. We do not yet know with 100% certainty if this will be a permanent placement so we are limited in what we can say and how many details we can give. For now, we covet your prayers as we go through this process. We need wisdom. We need grace. We need provision of practical items. We need patience. We need love.

Thank you.

12 years

We had an insane week and weekend. It was all full of fun and good things, but now my little introverted self needs to take a step back and regroup. Not to mention my house is an absolute disaster and that just stresses everyone out.

Last Sunday (10/14) was our 12th wedding anniversary. This life together is an adventure. We are more and more mindful of the fact that our love for each other can only first flow out of the love we have received through Christ. This man is a gift to me. I am grateful for his love and care.

Fall!

As they say here, "Happy Fall, Y'all!"

And it is fall for real! My favorite season of cool mornings and golden evenings. Pumpkin spice coffee creamer and fuzzy slippers. Brilliant mums, breathtaking leaves, and plump pumpkins. We are enjoying every minute!