5 Minute Friday - Still

Joining The Gypsy Mama (who is actually at In-Courage today) for 5 Minute Friday. Five minutes to just write. Today's topic: Still

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I am in my car, sitting in disappointment while tears fall. I have an anxiety so deep that my stomach literally feels sick and I am emotionally off-kilter. I am wondering over the difference between my expectations and reality. Were my expectations that unrealistic?

I want to be still. Take time to process.

But the chaos of a normal life continues. I come home and am tackled by 2 little boys. Their needs immediate. Dinner must be made. Clothes must be folded. Boys still need showers and books at bedtime.

Finally when the house is still I crawl into bed. I lie still while tears leak. I ask my husband to hold me. Because I know he will. He is still and calm and the very presence of him brings peace. He doesn't try to fix, he just waits and loves, still.
STOP

1000 Gifts

- him, who dances with the boys despite the heat just because they want to
- Jeremiah with the camera strapped around his neck, framing shots
- Nathaniel's "cool pose"
- good music
- heat
- boys sweaty from fun and dancing
- large cup of coke brimming with ice
- enjoying an evening of fun and entertainment as a family
- enjoying each others company
- ice cream with the kids at Mr. T's - the same place I used to go for ice cream in college (over 13 years ago now! gasp!)
- listening to the boys sing along to Adele as we drive home through the dark
- holding hands

5 Minute Friday - Full

Joining The Gypsy Mama for 5 Minute Friday - five minutes to write, no editing, no worrying about perfection.

Today's prompt: Full

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I know that I am supposed to feel full. But I feel empty.

This morning the first thing I saw on my computer, after a nourishing breakfast, were pictures of people starving in Somalia. Another famine.

I look around my home and know that I should feel full. But how am I supposed to feel full when others are empty?

How is it that all the good things I have today only serve as a reminder of what others don't have? How can I feel full when there are mothers today in Somalia who are watching their children waste away?

Yesterday I read a blog with a picture of a girl, 5 years old, who after just a few weeks of being transferred from an orphanage to a institution in an Eastern European country looks shorn and abused. Her eyes in the "before" picture bright and full of life. In the "after" picture her eyes gaze listlessly from my computer screen. How can I feel full when I think of all the children who will do not have families?

I don't know.

These are not the questions that have trite, quick answers. I wrestle and pray and forget and get reminded and try to seek God's will out of love not out of guilt.

Fill me God. My lasting fullness can only come from you.

STOP

Gearing up for 1st Grade

On Monday morning as I was doing my planning for the week I realized that our first day of school was in 3 weeks! The summer had flown by and it was time for me to start organizing and thinking about how we were going to put the Sonlight Curriculum into use on a daily basis. I also realized that I needed to get the right paper work from our Department of Education in order to "register" Jeremiah as schooling at home. In Georgia, once a child is 6 you have to officially register your intent to home school as well as keep attendance records that are submitted monthly.

Wednesday night I was up late coordinating Aaron's calendar, with the Sonlight curriculum (our calendar), and making sure that we would be getting the 180 school days required by Georgia. This was such a helpful exercise! I was able to map out everything on my handy Google Calendar and see our school year shape up.

I then began to think through what our "typical" day would look like. In our house everyone does better with a structure and routine in place. Especially when we are doing school. We usually do the more structured school time after breakfast and some play time. If they have had some time to play then the boys are ready to sit down and concentrate. We do the more intensive, instructor oriented subjects first and leave the things that can be worked on independently for quiet time or later in the day.

I give Jeremiah a 3x5 card with a list of what we need to get done that day, that way can see how we are progressing, and hopefully we are laying the foundation for him to work more and more independently as he grows. So far the flow of our day looks like this:
- History/Geography
- Language Arts
- Math
- Readers (Jeremiah reading aloud to me)
- Handwriting (during quiet time)
- Read-Alouds (before naps & bed)

I feel more ready to tackle the new school year now. At first I was a bit overwhelmed because the Sonlight curriculum will require more direct instruction from me (last year Jeremiah did many of his k12 lessons on the computer without my help). But I realized as I started to look through the Instructor's Guide that the subjects are broken down into manageable pieces and I am pretty sure that we will still be able to get the bulk of school done in the morning hours before lunch.

A few notes:
- We are not going to follow the Bible curriculum outlined by Sonlight. We are happy with what we do as a family for Bible so are going to stick with that. (More on that later!)
- We are not going to do Science every day. After much conversation with veteran home schoolers, public school teachers, and some research we have decided that doing Science every day is just too much. Most kids in public elementary school do Science lessons about 2x a week and many home schooling families don't start a formal Science curriculum until about the 3rd grade. So, we will do Science 1 day a week, completing 2 lessons a week. This will stretch our curriculum to 2 years. We also have the option of continuing to do Science during the summer when we have finished all of our other courses.
- I still have no idea what I am going to do with Nathaniel. He is super excited about school and has begun to show lots of interest in learning his letters. Today when I was talking to Jeremiah about what Language Arts was Nathaniel excitedly asked me, "Mama, are you going to teach me to write my own stories too! Please?!" So, I may have to work in the next few weeks on a simple schedule/curriculum to at least start with letter and number recognition. He does love doing read-alouds with us and I imagine he will be hanging around as we do History/Geography.

First Nightfall concert

The picture Jeremiah took
(Which is actually the right way around, Blogger is just giving me a fit tonight.)

The picture Nathaniel took
He has been fascinated with instruments lately so he wanted to take a picture of the band.

Chattanooga has a wonderful, free, concert series in the summer called Nightfall. Every Friday night people gather around an outdoor theater stage and listen to music. Sometimes the music is really good, sometimes it is only so-so, but the people watching and fun atmosphere are always great. This is the first time that we have ventured to take the boys. Well, that may not be entirely true, we may have taken Jeremiah when he was an infant, but that doesn't count. They seemed to enjoy it and even danced a little bit. But after awhile they were only interested in going to get the icecream we had promised them. All in all a good and inexpensive way to spend some time together as a family.

Book Review: Love & War Devotional for Couples

I have read a few of John Eldredge's books and have found them to be inspirational and helpful. This book Love & War Devotional for Couples was encouraging to me. John & Stasi Eldredge created this 8 week devotional to encourage couples to find joy and beauty in marriage through transformation of the heart in every day moments.

Practically laid out in 8 weeks, consisting of 5 days each, the brief individual devotionals begin with a Bible verse, have a short application, and end with a prayer and a more in-depth Bible verse. Each week ends with an exercise intended to help the couple dig deeper and apply what they have been learning during the week in real ways.

What I liked about this book was that it was easy to pick up and include in what I was already reading for my daily devotion times. While I didn't find any of the information to be new or earth-shattering it was encouraging to be reminded of Biblical truths about marriage. For me, most importantly the reminder that Satan wants to wage a war on my marriage and make me and my husband into enemies in order to tear us apart. I also found the exercises at the end of the week to be a good tool for learning how to relate more practically with my husband.

The idea behind this book is that it is possible (through the Spirit and God's grace) to have not just a good marriage, but a marriage that is rich and satisfying and full of joy.

I would recommend this book to a couple who desires to be reminded of Biblical truths for marriage, and who wants to put those truths into action. I would recommend this book for couples who have lost some joy and intimacy in their relationship. I would not recommend this book to couples who are struggling with deep and serious issues that need professional help.

Disclaimer: I received this book for free in order to review from the Blogging for Books program of WaterBrook Multnomah publishing company.

Learning to embrace neutrals

I never used to be a big fan of neutral colored paint on walls. I loved to express my personality with bright, colorful paint. I didn't quite get the whole "make walls and furnishings neutral and personalize with pops of color" decorating thing. But this house is changing my mind on that. After 2 years of living with a horribly ugly and busy wall paper in my kitchen I just couldn't take it anymore. On Thursday of the week I was sick I just started tearing out the wall paper. I spend so much time in the kitchen and the wall paper made the room feel cluttered and claustrophobic. I realized that the kitchen would need to be painted a neutral color because it connects to 4 rooms and there isn't that much wall space. So I was going for a color that was warm, yet neutral.

Before:

The wall paper, board across the top, and shelves in the alcoves made for a very busy and cluttered space. Not restful at all. And no matter what I did the kitchen always felt messy and untidy.

In process:

Just taking off that wall paper made such a huge difference! It already felt better in there even without paint on the walls. (The walls were nicotine stained, hence the brownish/yellow color. Yuck!)

After:

Ahh! So light and bright and uncluttered! This picture makes the paint look much yellower than it is. It is really a very neutral, creamy color (Gold Coast White by Glidden).
I took the opportunity to clear the clutter from off of my counters. I am lucky to have so much cabinet space that I can easily stash stuff out of sight.

I still have a few things that bring some color and personality into the room. This wall (where I cook and bake) has some colorful artwork as well as the inspiring reminders that I print and post on the cabinets. I also like to put pictures in cheap plastic frames so I can easily change them out and move them around. I like to pray for people I love while I am working. The stove is ancient (and cream colored) but still works fine, when it stops working it will be replaced with a white stove.

This little alcove area has the tendency to get very cluttered very fast because it is a convenient place to just drop stuff. My goal is to keep the counter top area cleared off.

The "turtle room" (our mudroom) which is visible through the door is always in a state of chaos no matter how hard we try to keep it clean and organized. Having the kitchen uncluttered keeps me from panicking and feeling overwhelmed with clutter in every room. Plus, we have a curtain on the door that I can close and block the view of the mess.

Late last year we took the shelves out of the alcoves and painted them with chalk board paint. I love it! I regularly change out the verses or inspirational quotes. It helps me keep some personal, yet inspiring touches in the room that I spend to much time it.

The kitchen is definitely not perfect. I really dislike the brass hardware on the cabinets, the counter tops are a strange fake marble laminate, and I am not particularly crazy about the finish of the cabinets. But for right now the simple change of color on the walls has made a big difference and transformed a room that used to leave me feeling anxious and overwhelmed into a room that feels bright, airy and calm. Now, if I could just get the kids to quit leaving their random Star War figures, Lego's and art projects on the counters...

What a difference a year makes

The picture on the left is Jeremiah 1 year ago, the picture on the right is Jeremiah today. The difference takes my breath away. In one year we have gone from having a cute cuddly little boy to a maturing young man. He is gaining a new independence and maturity. This summer I have glimpsed in his face and actions the man that Jeremiah is becoming. It's a beautiful, yet slightly heart wrenching, thing.

Soccer Camp Day 1: A mother's thoughts

Do you know what I see when I look at these pictures?
I see myself.
In the slight embarrassment of a boy whose parents insist on snapping pictures. In the excitement of embarking on a new adventure and another step toward independence. In the barely concealed anxiousness of the unknown-ness of the adventure.

This boy of mine is the same age that I was when I started boarding school. I don't have any memories of my first day of boarding school, but I know that I actually loved it. I loved the independence and being surrounded by kids of all ages. I loved living with my friends. Sure, there were moments of homesickness but in general I thrived at boarding school.

Today, I actually kept thinking about my mom and dad. As we drove away from Jeremiah my mind was racing, wondering if he would have fun, if the other kids would realize what a cool kid he was, if the camp counselors realized that I was leaving my treasure under their supervision? I was only leaving him for a day and I still felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind. And it hit me, my parents did this multiple times a year. Leaving me to be cared for by others, to develop my own independence. I had no idea of the pain they must have been in as I blithely and excitedly headed off to school to be separated from them for weeks at a time. I had no idea of the amount of faith it took for them to entrust me to the care of my houseparents but more importantly to God's care.

I breathed deep as we wound our way down country roads and back home. All day long I would breathe a quick prayer as I looked over and had to do a quick double take because I only saw one blond head instead of two. Because loosening the apron strings requires much faith and my hands and heart just want to grab tight.

Listen, I realize this is a tad melodramatic for a simple drop off at summer soccer camp. I get that. But, we home school, so this is my first experience of Jeremiah being gone all day, multiple days in a row, with a bunch of people I don't know so give me a break right? Smile.

time with nathaniel

I am gearing up for the coming week. Aaron is going to be gone all week helping to chaperon the annual youth group retreat. Jeremiah will be at soccer day camp, so I will be dropping him off in the morning and picking him up in the evening. That means that I will be spending a lot of one-on-one time with my little monkey. He is used to always having his brother as a playmate, so I am trying to plan some fun things for us to do together. I want him to feel like he had a special week too.

5 Minute Friday - Grateful

It's been a week of sick, and rest. I'm joining The Gypsy Mama for 5 Minute Friday again. Five minutes to write, no editing, no perfection. :-)
Today's topic: Grateful

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I am rediscovering gratefulness this week. Re-learning how to give thanks and have joy in every moment.

Grateful for a summer cold that has slowed me down and made me rest. Grateful for a man who lets me sleep while he cares for children and home. Grateful for sleep and tea and vitamins and a comfy bed to cocoon in.

Grateful for re-reading books that are reminding me of my priorities. Grateful for the Spirit who speaks to my soul in the wee hours of the night, pulling me back to prayer and His Word and reliance on Him.

Grateful for new patience and self-control. Grateful for silly conversations and good fun with my oldest. Grateful for restful, individual time with my youngest.

Grateful for the summer afternoon thunderstorms that encourage us to keep cozy in our home with books and games and plain old togetherness.

Grateful for renewal.

STOP

Tubing

We have some very dear and generous friends who have been trying to get us out on their boat since last summer. Finally, this past Saturday the weather was right and our schedules aligned so we headed out for a day on the lake. The boys were so excited!
Nathaniel is our little dare-devil and in no time he was jumping off the back of the boat (while it was anchored and we were swimming), even falling backwards. He loves swimming! But to our utter amazement it was Jeremiah who just couldn't get enough of tubing. He wanted to go over and over again and his loud, contagious laugh could be heard over the roar of the engine.

Our annual berry picking day

The Blueberry Farm had been posting on Facebook that the berries were starting to ripen. For days we have been itching to go, but one thing after another kept coming up. This morning dawned cool (for June) and clear so we packed up our snacks and headed out. It ended up being a perfect morning for picking! Not too hot, a slight cooling breeze, lots of little ones underfoot, and so many berries on the bushes that we were picking them by the handful! We got 2 gallons in less than an hour. Jeremiah has turned into quite a picker, getting 1/2 a gallon all by himself! Nathaniel mostly just eats the berries as he goes and had about 10 in his bucket by the time we left. Cherise and Lilly joined us! It was fun to introduce them to our tradition. Other friends from church were there as well.
It was so hard to stop picking when we could see the bushes loaded down with fruit. But the boys were tired and ready to go so maybe we can return again next week. This is one of our favorite summer outings and spending a morning at the Blueberry Farm has definitely become a tradition in our family.

(Cherise took lots of cute pictures, and I downloaded them, but something isn't working. So this 1 picture I took will have to suffice.)

Minimizing Clothes

I am not a fashionista, a shopper, or a clothes horse. Yet, I tend to feel frustrated when I look in my closet (I actually have a wardrobe so I feel extremely European). It is stuffed full of clothes, but very few actually fit me right, look good on me, and are a pleasure to wear. After doing some reading on various blogs and having conversations with like-minded friends about minimizing my wardrobe, I spontaneously decided to take the plunge today. I got most of my inspiration from Project 333 and this checklist.
Here is my process:

I laid everything out on my bed in 3 sections:
1. I love, I enjoy wearing, definitely keep
2. I wear, I think I want to keep but I don't know why
3. Give/Throw away
Pile #1 was actually the smallest pile. It looks like the most because it is spread across the bed, but it has fewer items than pile #2 (which are the 2 piles on the left, back corner of the bed).

I then decided to take the plunge and only put back items from pile #1 in my closet. What better time than now to try this out?

To the left is my give away pile. In the storage bin are the clothes from pile #2. I am keeping them in the bin in our guest room.

This is what my closet looks like with the items from pile #1, my pj's, my "unmentionables", and my workout clothes (which are not allowed to be part of my regular wardrobe).

This is what my closet looks like with only the clothes from pile #1.

A few notes:
- In the past few years my weight has fluctuated a lot. I have this same amount of stuff of clothes I love in one and two sizes smaller. I am also rediscovering my body type and how clothes fit since my recent surgery. I have a few months before the weather cools to either get my rear in gear and loose weight or resign myself to this weight.
- Looking at these clothes I realize that I like neutral, comfortable clothes. I also like to layer.
- This picture is missing 1 wine colored shirt and 1 pair of jeans.
- I haven't limited myself to 33 items. I think right now there are 28 items of clothing in the closet. However, I am not a big accessory person either, so I think I am pretty close to the 33 item mark. Ugh, except I forgot to count shoes! I generally choose between 3 pairs of shoes in the summer.

I am excited about this experiment! I have wanted to do this for a long time, but have never really been brave enough. I wonder what I will learn?

Pursuing the idea of a simplified and/or minimalist lifestyle

I have been thinking about "minimalism" lately. For lots of reasons.

- Sometimes I feel chained down by our stuff. I feel like it owns me instead of me owning it. Sometimes the work of cleaning, organizing, and caring for our stuff just seems so overwhelming. How much more time and less stress would I have if I didn't have so much stuff to take care of? What kinds of things might we do? What kinds of experiences are we missing out on by having so much stuff to maintain?

- Sometimes I feel like consuming stuff is an addiction. That no matter how hard I try to not buy more stuff as soon as I walk into a store something else takes over and I have to get more stuff.

- I feel like our kids are learning to be consumers, and learning to be entitled to stuff. They already know more about eating at restaurants, buying stuff in stores, and name brand things than I ever did as a kid. I don't like this at all. And don't even get me started on all the cheap crappy toys that somehow make their way into our house!

- I am learning more and more about how our things are made, the impact our consumerism has on the environment and others (sweat shops really exist!). I feel more and more convicted that as Christians we should consider this issue more carefully. Does what I choose to consume show love for others or wise stewardship of the earth?

- The more that I think about it the more I realize that my attachment to my stuff and my desire for more stuff is pure and simple idolatry. If I claim that my treasure is in heaven, that God is faithful to supply my needs, that what the Bible says about caring for the poor is really true, then my stuff reveals something about my heart and my priorities.

So far I haven't made any radical changes. I regularly go through our things and get rid of excess books, toys, clothes etc. But none of it is really sacrificial or radical. And we keep replacing what we get rid of with more or new things. But the thought process continues as I read more blogs and talk to like-minded friends. I find myself wanting to make a more radical lifestyle change. (Aaron and I haven't talked about this in depth, and he is a bit more of a "pack rat" than I am. So he may freak out when he reads this.)

Here are some of the blogs I have been reading lately that are giving me much food for thought.

Becoming Minimalist - This post "What is Minimalism" really distills the thoughts I have been having.

A Guy Named Dave - This guy pared all his things down to 100 possessions. While I definitely can't fathom doing that yet, his blog has lots of good conversation about our attachment to possessions.

One Dress Protest - One girl, wearing one dress, for one year. Lots of good stuff here. Definitely worth a read and a scroll through the archives. This post "Minimalism, Fashion & Idolatry" really gave me much to think about as did "The Image of God and Our Earthly Dominion"

I am not sure where this will end up. Any one else thinking about these issues have anything they can share with me?

Summer SeaQuest VBS

The boys are chattering excitedly. They are trying to decide what to wear. Which shirt looks the most like the shirt a pirate would wear? They keep asking me if it is time to leave yet. How many more minutes?
I look at the two of them and my heart constricts a little. It seems like just yesterday that Jeremiah participated in his first VBS at 2 1/2 years old. Sure, he was in the nursery, but still. He loved the songs, and the decorations, and the puppets. And now, time has moved in fast forward, and I see them standing there. Jeremiah suddenly tall and looking more like a young man than a little boy. Nathaniel so full of excitement and enthusiasm. So excited that he got to meet "real pirates" and that he can wear his pirate pj's.
This year they clutch their "Log Books." Jeremiah does the extra work sheets and asks for extra chores in order to get extra points. He reads the songs they are learning and I hear their two voices enthusiastically singing together. Nathaniel doesn't completely understand it, but he knows that the book is important. They work together on saying their memory verses. Nathaniel's come complete with hand motions. I love hearing God's Word on their lips, "For this God is our God, forever and ever, He will be our guide even to the end." Truth proclaimed.
I run around the church organizing and trouble shooting every evening this week. Kids swirl around me. Their eyes light up when they come in the entryway and see the giant mouth of a whale ready to swallow them up. Fish hang from the ceiling. In the sanctuary they set sail on a ship, complete with a mast and a crew of pirates. I see youth group kids helping out. I see adults showing love and patience in the midst of chaos and noise.
I get a glimpse of Nathaniel, proudly leading the line of his class, flag held high. I see Jeremiah in a sea of wiggly 6 year olds, singing and laughing. My boys fly high on the special attention of the teenage boys.
And even though I am exhausted and part of me wants this week to be over already so I can rest, there is another part of me that wants to stop time and enjoy these whirlwind days.

Missing Aaron

Tuesday morning we waved Aaron off. He is spending the week on my brother's 27 foot sailboat, while I co-captain our Summer SeaQuest VBS. I am still wondering what possessed me to suggest that he go on this trip.

The truth is that usually when Aaron is gone for a few days I miss him, but I also kind of enjoy having the evenings to myself. I enjoy being able to be totally selfish with how I spend my time. I even enjoy having the bed all to myself.

This time feels completely different. I feel like I am missing my right arm. And he has only been gone now for a little less than 2 full days. I guess I am coming to see more and more how much I rely on his patience and calm.

This morning I was tired and impatient. I really yelled at the boys in a totally inappropriate way. I scared them. I scared myself. I took a few minutes in the bathroom to pray. Then we had a "family meeting" in which I asked the boys for forgiveness. I asked them if we could all pray that God would send His Spirit so that we could all be kind and loving to each other over the next few days. Jeremiah prayed the most beautiful prayer that went something like this,
"Jesus, Please forgive me for not being self-controlled toward my brother. Please help me not to be angry with him. Show me how I can love him. Please change my heart. Amen."
What a blessing and encouragement to my heart!

1000 Gifts - Father's Day

Jeremiah picked this card out all by himself. Seriously.
And signed the inside all by himself.
I think he gets his sense of humor from his father.

I totally screwed up Father's Day. Really.
Last week I was actually thinking ahead and stopped at the store to have the boys pick out a card for Aaron. We were so busy this weekend with so many things that it never crossed my mind again until we were sitting in church and Travis said something about kids coming up to get a small gift to give to their fathers. Doh. We drove to Atlanta to spend the day and I kept reminding myself to have the boys give Aaron his card when we got home. But, I forgot that too.
The irony in this is that I usually love holidays like this and try to make them special. And I usually get all upset at Aaron when he doesn't do Mother's Day or our anniversary or my birthday like I think he should.
I think however that it should be noted that Aaron is going to be gone all next week, sailing with Will on his sailboat in Maryland. Pretty spectacular Father's Day gift if you ask me!

Since I did such a horrible job remembering to make Aaron feel special on Father's Day I thought I would list the ways he is a great dad
- patient
- encouraging us all to gather in the evenings and memorize scripture
- loving
- playful
- gentle
- humorous
- hard worker
- never complains
- disciplines with love and grace
- encourages the boys to think their own thoughts and find their own way

5 Minute Fridays - Home

Joining The Gypsy Mama again for 5 Minute Friday. A quick 5 minutes to write in the midst of life. No editing (well, I do run a spell check because my spelling is horrendous). Tonight I grab 5 minutes while Star Wars - The Clone Wars plays and little boys are entranced.

Prompt: Home

GO

I never know how to answer when someone innocently asks, "You're not from around here are you? Where are you from?" Because you see, my accent betrays me. I stop and stammer. Do they want the long version or the short version. And really, where am I from anyway?

I am not really from anywhere. Raised in the dusty bush of West Africa, with a stop-over in suburban Philadelphia, coming of age in bustling efficient Netherlands, landing by complete chance on a mountaintop in Georgia, settling in this small southern town where roots are beginning to form.

I feel a fish out of water no matter where I am these days. Where is home? I struggle to let roots run deep. I fight the urge to run before people know too much. I simultaneously desire for my children to experience wide cultures yet grow up with lifelong friends.

Home is wherever my love is. Wherever we nest with these boys that have been given us. Whether that be here where southern accents are thick and life is quietly full, or somewhere we don't know yet. Home is where we are together.

STOP