3 years old!

On New Year's day of 2007 I felt that deep, gnawing, immediate hunger and nauseousness that comes only with pregnancy. We were on our way to IHOP for breakfast with Aaron's family and I knew, without even taking a test, what was happening in my body. The next morning I walked into the kitchen, speechlessly holding the positive test in front of Aaron. In my shock I had no words. Later that day I spent an hour on the phone to my mom, sobbing. Because you see, this was not what I had planned.
I was tired. I was happy with my one child. I had plans for my year. I was comfortable the way things were.
I spent the better part of the next 9 months battling sickness, depression, guilt, exhaustion.
At 9:40 p.m. on August 13, 2007 the wriggling bundle of boy was placed at my breast. He quieted and rested on me as soon as I spoke. And the tears fell fast and furious. Because this child was an amazing gift to me that I neither asked for nor deserved. He was fearfully and wonderfully made and I loved him. Looking at my son I knew that God's plan was perfect.
God knew that we needed Nathaniel.
Now, 3 years later, I cannot imagine our family without this boy who is so full of laughter, energy, enthusiasm, gratitude, compassion, and mischief.
Happy 3rd Birthday Nathaniel! We love you more than you know. God has an amazing plan for you son, may you grow to love and serve Him with all of your passionate heart.

Friends

Nathaniel and Eli make music together.

A nice ride!

Putting Jeremiah's leadership skills to work so that the 3 mama's can try and actually finish a conversation....

It is fun to watch the boys social skills develop. What a process it is! Sometimes they play well with other children and sometimes they don't. There are days when my friends come over and our kids get along great and we get a good visit. And there are days when every 5 minutes we are stepping in to prevent serious bodily injury. Yet, no matter how much fighting and hitting and yelling happened the last time we got together the boys are always excited to see their friends.

There is no telling what kind of mischief these kids are going to get into as they grow up together!

(By the way, I have no idea why the top two pictures are small and the bottom one is big. And I am too tired to figure it out right now.)

Being taught

Sometimes my boys have their own ideas. They forge ahead without listening to me, unaware of danger or consequences. They don't want to be taught. They don't want to listen. They don't want to obey because they have something in their mind and don't want to let it go. They think that I require obedience because I am mean and trying to spoil their fun. They don't realize that I lay down boundaries, require obedience, and even discipline them because I love them. They don't realize that I am trying to teach them and sometimes I am keeping them safe from unknown dangers.

I am exactly like that sometimes in my relationship with God. His Word is there for me to listen to and learn from. Yet I forge ahead in my own life, convinced that my way is the right way. Sometimes I am fully aware of the consequences of my actions and sometimes I am not.

I am convinced that God had specific lessons He wanted us to learn in the events of the past months. I have been praying a lot lately that God would show me what those lessons are. That I would be changed by what God is teaching me.

1. Trust/Dependence/Prayer
During the past few months I have spent more time in prayer and reading the Bible. I found myself praying almost unceasingly during the day. When panic would start rising I would ask God for peace. When I started getting irritated and angry with the boys because I was worried I would ask God for patience. When my comfort and security were gone I recognized that I needed God in very real and immediate ways. Seeing God answer my pleading daily prayers as well as our larger over-arching prayer has built my faith in remarkable ways.

2. Financial Stewardship
All our money belongs to God. All of it. Not just our 10% tithe, or the extra we give comfortably out of our surplus. Every single cent that we have has been given to us by God to use for His glory. I struggle so much in this area! But I have become convicted that even though our spending habits were not extravagant they were selfish. I tremble to write this but I feel God teaching us to give sacrificially. Yet, like a child I want to scream "mine!" and throw a temper tantrum.

3. Marriage
Our marriage has grown in new ways. We have had to keep learning how to communicate lovingly and effectively. We have had to learn how to give each other space for new thoughts and deep emotion. I have learned so much in just a few short months about what it means for me to be a supportive wife to Aaron; emotionally, physically, spiritually. I hope those lessons will stick with me as we head into this new job and a busy fall season.

4. Community
I have no words to describe how uplifted and encouraged I have felt by the people around us. This process would have been much more difficult without the support we felt from our church family as well as our friends and family in far flung places who were praying for us. Church isn't just a habit for Sunday morning or something to do if we feel like it. For us, being a part of this body is essential to our well being as Christians, as a couple, and as a family. I have also been challenged to question how we can serve better in the church where we are planted.

5. It's not all about us
Sure, we were going through a difficult time. Yet there were so many others who had bigger and harder struggles. We never missed a paycheck, but we know people who have been missing paychecks for months. We were healthy. We never really worried that we would not have a roof over our heads or food on our table. Even in our need we were more blessed than most of the rest of the world. There is a lot of need in the world. We don't get to ignore it just because we are temporarily struggling (and not even struggling that much).

It is a bit uncomfortable to think of God as a Father who is guiding us a certain way not only to bless us but also to teach and maybe even discipline us. It is even more uncomfortable to think of myself as a willful, rebellious, stubborn child. I am even more in awe of the grace that is poured out on me. It is my prayer that as I fix my eyes on my Savior my heart will be changed into one that is willing to be guided, taught and even disciplined by my Heavenly Father for His glory.

1000 Gifts (25)

Last week was a whirlwind of events and emotions. We went from Aaron not having a job on Tuesday morning to Aaron heading for work on Thursday morning. Next week school starts for Jeremiah (and me I guess, since I am his teacher) as well as soccer season. We have gone from having an empty calendar to have a packed full calendar. That's life though isn't it? There are seasons of rest and empty, lazy days as well as seasons of labor and schedules and giving our time. I know that God's grace and goodness is in it all because the gifts just keep flowing.

- the boys excitement for Sunday school to start again
- encouragement from friends and family
- being real, sharing real struggles
- a new chapter starting
- getting home school things organized
- Jeremiah learning to ride his bike without training wheels!
- an MP3 player
- rising early
- Aaron leaving for work
- helping someone else
- a circle of women, surrounding a friend, laying hands on her and praying for her and the coming baby. feeling the Spirit in that circle.
- honesty in small group

I count my blessings from God as a member of the Gratitude Community. I jot them down in my personal journal (#574!) and chose to share some here.

Pirates & Star Wars

It seems that our days lately have been full of playing pirates and Star Wars. Something about little boys just brings with it swashbuckling and hero fighting. When it gets loud, overwhelming and sometimes just downright annoying I try so hard to remember that this is part of how God made them. God made their hearts to yearn for adventure and heroism so that they can grow into men who serve Him adventurously and heroically.

And, the Star Wars metaphors have already begun:

Last night at the dinner table Jeremiah was telling us about playing "good guys/bad guys" with some other kids at Chik-fil-a. We were talking about how you could tell who was a good guy or a bad guy by how they were acting. Then Aaron decided to impart some wisdom and said, "The tricky part is that sometimes good guys are really bad guys and bad guys are really good guys." Jeremiah sat quietly for a minute digesting this information and then proclaimed, "Just like in Star Wars when Luke put on a Stormtrooper suit!"

Faith building

Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.
- Psalm 127:1&2

This was a verse from our daily Psalm yesterday. I don't profess to know exactly all that it means. But as we waited (anxiously) to hear about Aaron's job it was an encouragement to me. Any work that Aaron got would be in vain unless it was blessed by God.

This afternoon Aaron got the phone call and was offered the job!

I am so thankful! I immediately updated my Facebook status and texted our family and friends who had been praying for us.

But listen to what else God did:

We have good friends who are in our small group. He was originally unemployed for one year. He finally got a job working in a prison. The job was horrendous and scary and stressful for their whole family because of his scheduled shifts. We have been praying with them for over a year now that God would provide a different job for him. Today he got another job!

Both of our families have had our faith built in amazing ways as we have walked these paths together. We have cried together, encouraged each other, and prayed fervently for each other. What an amazing thing to see the prayers of both of our families answered on the very same day! To God be all the glory.

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
-Psalm 34:8

Trying to trust...again...

I am taking a break from my regular 1000 Gifts posts on Monday. Not because I don't have gifts to list but because I would like to ask you to pray for us.

Aaron has been looking for a job since he found out in the spring that his teaching contract would not be renewed. This is a tough year to be looking for a teaching job. There are fewer jobs available and more applicants for those jobs. We have been discouraged by the lack of response we have seen to his applications and inquiries.

Last week Thursday Aaron actually had an interview. However, it was an interview at a school that Aaron was initially not very excited about because it it an "alternative school." That means it is a school for kids who have some pretty severe behavior problems, or have had some legal problems and spent time in youth jail. He went for the interview and thought is was interesting but just wasn't sure that the job would be a good match for him. On Friday he received a call back from the principal. She had looked even closer at his resume, which includes youth ministry work as well as his DFCS work, and thought that Aaron had lots of background that would really qualify him for this position. She talked to him for a long time, wanting to know if he was serious about the job, what his concerns were and so on. Aaron had the feeling that she wanted to offer him the job but she told him she would be in touch with him on Monday.

We talked and prayed a lot over the weekend. As we began to think it through we began to see how Aaron does have unique gifts that would be a good fit for this job. He decided that if the job was offered to him he would take it. I was excited, thinking that this would give us financial stability for this year.

It is now past 8pm on Monday and we have not heard from the principal. I have no idea if that is good or bad. I am trying not to be too anxious. I know in my head that God is good and that His plan for our family is good. But tonight, in my heart, I am full of questions and doubts. What if Aaron doesn't get this job? Do I still trust that God will provide? Will I be able to react with grace and trust?

Will you pray with us? We want God's will. We want to trust God's goodness. Thank you.

No-fear Nathaniel

Nathaniel loves the pool!
He jumps off the diving board, likes for Aaron to throw him from the side, and even likes for Aaron to hold him and jump off the diving board with him.
He likes the slide best of all as you can see below.

(Nathaniel is the little blond head you can barely see under the water. He doesn't mind being under water at all.)

3rd annual berry picking

I love picking blueberries at the local blueberry farm. Sure, it is hot and sweaty work. But there is something so fulfilling about it. We chat with friends while our hands are busy. The kids wander around searching for berries on the lowest branches, their teeth and lips stained blue. I love the feel of community and shared labor. When I pull a bag of the frozen berries out in mid-winter they are reminder of heat and sun and summer bounty. I think we can safely call the berry picking a yearly tradition now. The boys look forward to it and are getting good at helping pick (although they do still eat more than they keep). The berries were plentiful this year and the work was relatively quick. If I had more freezer space I would go get more.

This was the best I could get for our yearly shot of the berry pickers.
None of the boys really wanted to be still.
Oh well, look how much they have grown since the first time we went berry picking!
(see below)

(July 2008, Nathaniel 11 months & Jeremiah 3 years)

1000 Gifts (24)

The gifts keep being recorded in my journal. In a week full of the normal work, conflicts and joys that come from living as a family I keep jotting down the little moments of grace and blessing that remind me of the goodness of my Heavenly Father in all circumstances.

This week I share with you my most encouraging gift. A song sung Sunday morning in worship. A song I have sung so often it rolls easily off my tongue. Yet, Sunday morning the words struck me with their truth and my soul was refreshed. My misdeeds dark are covered with grace! My soul can rest on His word, I don't have to doubt or fear! His helping love will meet my need! One day I will be free from sin and sorrow! Hallelujah!

Psalm 130 (From Depths of Woe)
(Words by Martin Luther)

From the depths of woe I raise to Thee the voice of lamentation
Lord, turn a gracious ear to me and hear my supplication
If Thou iniquities dost mark our secret sins and misdeeds dark
O who shall stand before Thee?

To wash away the crimson stain grace, grace alone availeth
Our works, alas! are all in vain in much the best life faileth
No man can glory in Thy sight, all must alike confess Thy might
And live alone by mercy.

Therefore my trust is in the Lord and not in mine own merit
On Him my soul shall rest, His word upholds my fainting spirit
His promised mercy is my fort, my comfort and my sweet support
I wait for it with patience.

What though I wait the live-long night and til the dawn appeareth
My heart still trusteth in His might, it doubteth not nor feareth
Do thus, O ye of Israel's seed, ye of the Spirit born indeed
And wait 'til God appeareth.

Though great our sins and sore our woes His grace much more aboundeth
His helping love no limit knows our utmost need it soundeth
Our Shepherd good and true is He who will at last His Israel free
From all their sin and sorrows.

The school room makeover

When we arrived home these 3 boxes of Jeremiah's curriculum were waiting for us. We waited a few days but then Aaron and I just couldn't resist digging in and seeing what was there. Looks like good stuff! I hope to make a specific post later about what we got and what we think of it.
After going through the boxes they were put out of sight in the guestroom until we had a place for them. Last week I started to get motivated to work on making our sun room/playroom into our school room when I realized that we were supposed to start school on August 16th. We had some ideas in mind of what we wanted to do so last Saturday we decided to scope out some stores in our area to price things like book shelves and desks.
We were so thankful to actually find some pieces at a thrift store for a good price! A piece of furniture that was originally a sideboard but we saw as a perfect storage shelf for books and supplies. And a student desk! Jeremiah is very excited about having his very own desk.
So Saturday afternoon we cleaned and rearranged and ended up with the basics of a very bright, cozy room for learning, playing, and relaxing. We still need to do some painting and replace the nicotine saturated window shades (the lady who lived here before us smoked like a chimney) but the room is basically there and we have been enjoying it a lot this week already.

(view from the back door)

(view from the kitchen look-through window)

I had 3 main goals for the room
1. Comfortable and inviting. Since I figured we will be spending some time there every day I wanted us to want to be in there.
2. Place for Nathaniel. Nathaniel is going to want to be with us. There is a designated toy area so he can play and amuse himself during the times that I need to give Jeremiah undivided attention. Who knows? He may even end up learning something!
3. Not expensive. For obvious reasons.

I think we have accomplished those goals so far. Jeremiah already loves to sit in the comfy chair during quiet time and look at his new reading books. He was so enthusiastic about helping me unpack his school boxes and organize his school books on the shelves. He can't wait until we get a chair for his desk so he can use it. Nathaniel has rediscovered his Lego's and Thomas toys and has spent many hours playing all kinds of make believe games out there.

We already have some seeds planted for pumpkins and cacti sitting in the widow so it appears some learning has already begun!

1000 GIfts (23)

While I have not been posting my gifts here on my blog I have been continuing to count them in my journal. There were so many from our trip to Holland (one of them being the poppies pictured above)! It was a great way for me to jot down the events and memories of our trip without feeling the need to write copious narrative in my journal every night.

But, I am resuming my list on the blog with my entries from last week. The week Aaron was gone and God's grace and peace sustained me.

- a drive through softly falling rain
- singing along to "Peter Pan"
- kids playing while cousin and I visit
- a chubby, smiling baby
- patience when I feel I just can't take it any more
- a nice pool, and friends who share it
- Jeremiah getting over his fear of getting into the water in his own time
- Nathaniel doggie paddling, "I doin' it mama! I swimmed!"
- sunburnt shoulders
- picking cucumbers on a sweltering, humid summer evening
- exhaustion
- late nights watching chick flicks
- reading books in bed
- missing Aaron, absence does make the heart grow fonder
- Aaron home!
- boys wrestling with their papa
- boys chatter, telling papa all about their week
- candy land

What grandparents do...

...keep you from falling off a boat...

...let you help plant flowers...

...enthusiastically help with your latest project...

...treat you to an "ijsje" more times than is probably good for you...

...take you for walks in the woods (almost every day)...

...carry you when you are tired...

...climb up the tower to see the view with you...

...help you balance and find frogs...

...take you to feed the ducks (almost every night after dinner)...

...not to mention play countless games of "Bunny Hop", paint, go to the store, let help with the recycling, and give great goodnight hugs and kisses.
Thanks for all the great memories oma and opa!

Boy running on beach

These pictures show just how much Jeremiah loved the beach. And just how much he loves running. And just how much I love his long, blond, bouncy hair.

Sunday night notes

I don't usually blog on Sunday night, but the house is quiet and calm now and I am waiting for Aaron to return. I have a few minutes for a quick update so here it is in bullet points again.

- Holland lost in the World Cup final today. It was sad. I had thought for sure they would finally win this year.

- There was some kind of electrical short at our other house. Aaron has spent the evening over there in the heat trying to figure out a) what the problem is b) who's responsible to fix it c) how much it is going to cost. Please pray that the City can fix it and that it won't cost us anything.

- Tomorrow Aaron leaves to help chaperon the summer youth group retreat. He will be gone until Friday. I must say that I am not overly enthusiastic about doing the single parent thing for a week. But I am filling the week up with fun things so hopefully it will fly by. Please pray that I will be patient.

- It felt really good to worship at Highlands again this morning. This particular part of the body of Christ is such a blessing to us.

- My niece Lilly, who is 10 months old, is taking her first wobbly steps. Jeremiah and Nathaniel love her to pieces and like to try and make her laugh. She likes to grab their faces and plant sloppy kisses on them. I can't wait to watch their relationship as it grows.

- Aaron is pursuing a couple of different job opportunities that have nothing to do with teaching. It will be interesting to see what God provides.

- Jeremiah discovered Calvin & Hobbes comics while we were in Holland. So he has started saying things like, "I think my spine is going to telescope!" or "Stop that you tuna brain."

- I really want to post more pictures from our trip, but downloading and organizing 600+ pictures is a bit of an overwhelming task right now.

Back in the USA

We arrived home at 1:30 a.m. on Monday July 5th after a 25 hour day of traveling. My kids surprised me again by traveling like champs. I thought for the most part I was pretty patient, until Jeremiah asked me to please stop talking in my "mean voice." Ah, the truth of a child. We have all slept well our first 2 nights back and I am cautiously optimistic that our bodies may adjust to the time change a bit easier than I had anticipated.

The boys seem happy to be home. Before we left Holland Nathaniel asked me, "Does our house have stairs?" Last night when I asked the boys to take off their clothes and go to the bathtub Nathaniel looked at me and said, "Do we have a bathtub?"

This was the first time in a long time that I was not ready for our vacation to end and to get home. I am not sure why that was. But I really and truly had no desire to get home. I had prayed that I would be able to enjoy each moment of our vacation and so I guess that prayer was answered.

I feel strange being back. Our house feels like home and we are happy to be here, but I still feel a sort of disquiet. Not sure where that is coming from. I am eager to get back to church and see our friends and get back into the swing of things, but at the same time I felt so comfortable in Holland. I miss riding bikes to get around. I miss the weekly market.

I am sure that some of the disquiet comes from being back here in our "real world" and still not having any positive leads at all on Aaron's job search. We don't feel panic yet, but I have a hard time really enjoying our summer when the job situation is still so uncertain.

I have 365 unread items in my blog feed reader. I am pretty sure that I will not have the time to catch up on all of that. Maybe this is my cue to cut down on the blogs I follow since I managed to survive without them for almost a whole month.

I had intended for this post to tell about what a great vacation we had and it ended up being completely random. But we did have a great vacation. We are thankful that we got to go and spend so much time in Holland. We are thankful for my parents who so generously shared their home, time, and food with us. It was obvious that we needed time away to really disconnect and relax. There are more pictures to share but those will have to wait. I am tired and headed to bed.

the Market

One of my favorite things about life in Holland is the local market. In Heemstede we get on our bikes on Wednesday morning and head over to the open air market where you can by anything from doggie toys to socks to fresh caught eel to purses to potatoes. It is so much fun. Walking between the stalls there are groups of elderly women chatting, mothers pushing baby carriages, small children wandering behind their parents munching on a treat. There are smells and colors and interaction with the seller that you just don't get in a grocery store.

Warm, fresh stroop waffles. Yum!

The cheese stand.
Nathaniel quickly figured out that every stand we stopped at would give him a little treat or a taste of something if he asked. He liked the cheese.

Fresh fruits and veggies!
At this stand the boys each got a fresh tangerine one week and a crisp apple the next.

This guy sells nuts of all kinds. So many yummy choices.
For some reason Jeremiah especially liked this stand.

Amsterdam

Aaron and I got to spend an afternoon in Amsterdam last week. We wandered around the town, did some shopping, and watched soccer in the Irish pub that Ben used to work at. It was a perfect afternoon. Amsterdam was her usual beautiful self at this time of year. The outdoor terrasses were inviting for a drink and a chat. Interesting people were everywhere. There is just something special about this city.