Comparing Brothers

Left:
Jeremiah pulling to standing when he was about 9 months old.

Right:

Nathaniel pulling to standing at about 8 1/2 months old.

It is obvious that my boys are brothers. They have the exact same color of bright blue eyes and similar blond hair and light skin. However, as Nathaniel continues to grow (like a weed) I see more differences, especially when I go back through Jeremiah's baby pictures and compare the two. Looking at these two pictures there is the obvious difference in size. Jeremiah was a compact, chunky little fellow. Nathaniel is long and lean.

I notice personality differences. Jeremiah was a more serious baby with intent and curious facial expressions. His smiles were more close mouthed and reluctant. He was not afraid of strangers but others had to work a little to coax Jeremiah's smiles and conversation. Nathaniel is joyful and effusive. He smiles often with bright sunny smiles that light up his whole face. He appears to never meet a stranger and everywhere we go he smiles and chatters to everyone we see.

Jeremiah was a scheduled baby. There was hell to pay if he did not eat or sleep at the precise moment that he was used to. He rarely slept anywhere other than his crib. Nathaniel sleeps whenever the mood strikes and can be content for hours without eating.

Then there is the way that they play. Jeremiah is a meticulous and precise little man. Even as a baby he rarely just grabbed at toys. He would study toys before touching them, turn them around and around trying to figure them out before playing with them. He would play with one toy for long periods of time before moving on to another one. He loved to look at books and even as a young baby would sit quietly turning pages. Even now he has precise ways of playing with each toy. Nathaniel appears more impulsive. He grabs whatever is in sight, playing for a minute or two before moving on to the next thing leaving a wake of toys, shoes, boxes, and other paraphernalia in his wake. He likes books too, but mostly as something to chew on.

My sociologists brain finds contemplating these differences fascinating. How much of it is personality or a result of differences in parenting? Is Nathaniel truly a more laid back child by nature or have we made him that way because we are more relaxed parents the second time around?

It is fun to see my boys grow. I love watching their different personalities develop. It is fun to think about their future, the men they will become, the things that they will each be interested in and talents they will pursue. It is amazing to think that God has given me these children to nurture. What a gift!

Psalm 127:3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,the fruit of the womb a reward.

So many memories....

It's funny how at the most random moments in the midst of every day life something will happen to bring back floods of memories of my youth. This morning as I was climbing wearily out of bed and starting my morning routine of coaxing Jeremiah out of his pj's and wrestling with Nathaniel as he fought my attempts to wipe his runny nose the phone rang. A friend from church told me that the host of NBC's Today Show was broadcasting from Amsterdam. Thanks to the modern convenience of the DVR I was able to pause the programming and after settling Jeremiah with some breakfast and Nathaniel with some toys I sat on the couch with a cup of coffee and was transported back to the memories of my teenage years as Matt Lauer roamed the streets of the city that I knew so well.

The image of the new green on the trees along the canals and the clear light of a warming spring afternoon reminded me of crisp spring days spent with friends skipping school and exploring the city. I still believe that there is a special quality to the air in Amsterdam on a spring afternoon. A sort of magic is conjured by the dancing light on the water and the fairy tale charm of the old houses perched in rows along the canals, no two just alike. The spirit suddenly feels light and giddy with the ability to enjoy the warmth and light after months spent in damp, dark winter. I have memories of walking along the canals pausing to look in shop windows. Quickly dodging bikers zipping through the streets. Stopping in a perfect spot of sun on a bridge to stand on my toes and kiss my boyfriend. Sitting outside at a cafe to enjoy a cool beer and wile away the afternoon talking, smoking, and watching people pass by.

Tomorrow is Queen's Day. The offical day to party. The city becomes almost unrecognizable as the streets pack with people dressed in orange milling about shoulder to shoulder drinking, singing, and generally having a good time. Bands play. Boats clog the canals. It is a day when everyone is friendly and you never meet a stranger. My memories of Queen's Day include sitting in the window of my grandparent's apartment on one of the main canals in the city just watching the humanity pass by. Riding the train into town with friends and pulling beers out of a back pack we had brought so that we didn't have to spend all our money on overpriced drink. Marveling at the unreserved abandon of a people who are usually quite reserved and quiet.

The gift (and curse) of adolescence is the ability to completely inhabit the moment you are in. Each hour is either the best or the worst hour of your life. There is little thought for the past or the consequences for the future. That intensity of emotion of course makes my memories of time spent in Amsterdam that much more vivid. For a few minutes this morning I was transported back to the days of my adolescence - that is, until I was jerked back to the reality of my life now by the sounds of my 3 year old spilling his breakfast on the floor and the feeling of my 8 month old trying to chew on my leg to ease the pain of his teething.

I wonder what my intense, idealistic 16 year old self would think about the 31 year old woman I have become and the life I am now leading?

Pray on Thursday

Aaron found out late last week that his professors are willing to let him do another oral presentation this Thursday (4:00 pm) in order to be able to graduate in May! The oral exam will be an hour presentation of the project that he just finished this past week. He will have to talk for about an hour about how the project and his conclusions from the project match up with the benchmarks of the theory he learned in the master's program.

If you know Aaron then you know that he is not a man of many words. Speaking for a whole hour is going to be difficult for him. Aaron is really really smart and knows a lot of things in his head, he just isn't a prolific bs'er (like some of us...hee hee) so oral examinations are challenging.

Pray for our family this week!

1. That Aaron will be able to use his time wisely this week to prepare.

2. That I will have the physical and emotional energy to basically operate as a single parent until this exam is over. I am feeling very drained and still consistently only get about 5 hours of sleep a night (Nathaniel is just a bad and inconsistent sleeper). The house seems to always be a mess and I never seem to be able to figure out what we are having for dinner.

3. Jeremiah and Nathaniel (and I) both have really bad colds. Nathaniel has 4 teeth coming in! Jeremiah has been disobedient, throwing temper tantrums, and refusing to share. I feel like I am losing my mind. Pray that our house will be filled with peace, patience and love.

4. That Aaron will feel confident in his ability to communicate what he has learned. That he will pass this exam!

Day Out With Thomas

Yesterday was our "Day Out With Thomas." We headed out early and enjoyed a fun morning of all kinds of Thomas related activities - despite the fact that Jeremiah, Nathaniel and I were all fighting colds and congestion.

A Thomas tattoo

He is so proud of this. I am bit worried what we are going to do when it finally washes off.

Playing with the train sets

I think one of Jeremiah's favorite things was coloring and stamping the pictures.

Meeting Sir Topham Hat!

There was a neat little petting zoo. Jeremiah would not let me put him down.

This was such a pretty, gentle calf. But again Jeremiah was afraid and didn't want to touch her.

Finally ready for our ride on Thomas!

Watching the passing scenery.

Nathaniel thought the train ride was fun too.

Our boys

Oh wow - this is fun!

Papa and his boys enjoy the ride.

Jeremiah was conviced this was Cranky the Crane.

He talks about seeing this as much as seeing Thomas.

Jeremiah loved jumping in the air jump (he calls it the "jumper-jumper")

We made the mistake of waiting until the end of our outing to try and get a picture with Thomas. This was the best we could do....

Exploring

We have mobility!

We have been watching Nathaniel make more and more advances toward crawling. Then yesterday he saw Jeremiah playing with the "Going Fishing" game and all of the sudden made a beeline across the living room to lunge at the game and try to grab the little fish. I guess all it took was some motivation!

Nathaniel has a strange mix of traditional crawling and also putting his feet flat on the floor, sticking is butt straight up in the air and somehow managing to move forward in that position. It is quite amusing to watch.

Earth Day...late

Being "green" is the current hot trend. I am glad that more people are realizing the importance of caring responsibly for this earth we live on. I remember that for many years people that I knew in Christian circles looked at me funny when I talked about environmental responsibility. I guess they thought I was some kind of liberal freak.

I feel like I was raised with a consciousness for caring for the earth. I don't know if this was because my parents were really environmentally conscious or if it was out of economic necessity (probably a combination of both) but I was raised to conserve and be aware of the waste I created and the energy that I used. We never turned the heat above a certain degree. We always turned off lights when we left a room. We hung out clothes out to dry. When possible we recycled. Living in Europe gave us a great advantage because (for whatever reason) the Dutch society is just naturally set up to be more environmentally conscious and friendly.

As a family we have been trying to do our part in conserving and caring for our natural resources. There are some things here in rural Georgia that are more difficult because we don't have access to recycling (other than paper) and organic products are very very expensive. But we have found other little ways to do our part that really were not difficult to implement in our family life and routine. Maybe you can be inspired by our list and see what little changes you can make as well.

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What we currently do:

1. Compact light bulbs - all the bulbs in our house are now compact.

2. Reusable shopping bags - I bring my own bags when I do grocery shopping. Wal-mart sells them for $1 a piece and I have 4 of those that hold my usual weekly amount of groceries. They stay in the car so that I always have them. It really is amazing how many of those annoying little plastic bags we have not used in the past few months!

3. Unplug appliances that are not in use - Did you know that appliances use 40% of their regular amount of energy when they are plugged in and not in use? We unplug our microwave, coffee maker, computer, etc. when we are not using them. We never leave cell phone chargers plugged in after the phones are done charging.

4. Water - I was raised to take showers that are between 3-5 minutes long. I am trying to get Aaron to do the same. We never leave the water running while brushing our teeth. I wash our clothes in cold water. I only run the dish washer or laundry when I have a full load.

5. Recycle - Currently we can only recycle paper, better than not recycling anything.

6. No plastic bottles! - We each have reusable water bottles that we fill from our Brita pitcher.

7. Heat/Cooling- Our heat thermostat is never set above 65 degrees. Sure, it can get cool in the winter but we just pile on more clothes. We don't have central air (which is actually more environmentally friendly) so we try and keep our windows open as much as possible, use fans to circulate air, and when it just gets unbearably humid and hot here we only run the a/c unit in the room that we are actually in at the time and close all the other doors.

8. Cars & Fuel - Even before gas prices went up I tried to combine errands and trips and do as little driving as I could. I try to walk to places close by like the library, bank, and grocery store for small trips. We have been able to always have 1 car that gets really good gas mileage. (We have been salivating over hybrids even before they were "cool.")

9. Paper - We recycle paper products. I use rags instead of paper towels. I use the backs of junk mail envelopes for grocery lists. I reuse the fronts of cards I receive to make new cards for people. We keep a pile of scrap paper for Jeremiah's art projects.

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What we would like to do:

1. Hang laundry- These past few weeks I have been hanging a good part of our laundry outside on a drying rack. But I am hoping we can get a clothesline for me to use exclusively this summer.

2. Composting - We have a very large yard and it would be very possible for us to start a compost area. The problem is that if we put the house on the market a compost area may not appeal to buyers.....
3. Organic & Local - This summer I am going to make a bigger effort to buy local produce (I may even grow some of my own). We love to buy organic but with our financial situation right now that is just not in the budget.

4. Cleaning products - I have done a lot of research and found that baking soda and vinegar will clean almost everything in the house. So when all my Method products are used up I will be using baking soda, vinegar and lemons for most of my cleaning needs! I am really pumped about this!

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I believe that as Christians we have a moral and ethical responsibility to think about how the way we live effects our earth and other people on the earth. It disgusts me that most of the society around me is so wasteful without even thinking about how their waste impacts other people. I admit that there are times when conserving and being environmentally friendly is uncomfortable and inconvenient. I mean, trying to live without a/c in the heat and humidity of Georgia summers is just not fun. But I think it is worth it. They way I live effects other people and will have an impact on the world I leave for my children and grandchildren.

A time out

We went to Atlanta on Saturday and spent the night with Uncle Caleb & Aunt Monica. It was fun to get away for a little while and kind of forget about our stresses and strains for a few days. We hung out, played "Rock Band" (a really fun video game - just try keeping Jeremiah away from the drums and microphone, hee hee), went to the park, went to Perimeter Presbyterian Church, and got to see the house that they are hoping to buy.

We didn't take many pictures but Moni did. You can check them out here.

Aaron has spring break this week but has a lot of school work to do. So he has left for the library where hopefully he can actually concentrate and get some work done. Still it was nice to have him around for breakfast and it will be a nice change in our routine to have him home for lunch and hopefully earlier in the afternoons.

Disappointment

"Still waiting for God to give us a break around here."

I stole that line from a friend's blog. She wrote that when their family was experiencing a hard time. It is exactly what went through my mind yesterday evening when Aaron called me to tell me that his oral exam had not went well. The professors thought that he needs to complete one extra project before he can graduate. That means he will not graduate this May.

I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

This graduate school process has been so hard on all of us. It takes so much of Aaron's time and so much of our money. For the past 4 years it has really been putting a strain on our family and we were so excited that it would all be finished in just a few weeks.

The other part of this is that Aaron will get a pretty significant pay increase once he has his master's degree. I have been told that it is tacky to talk about money, but in the interest of honesty I will tell you that we have really been struggling financially the past few months since I have not been paid my MCC. Those of you who have been there know how stressful lack of finances can be. We were hoping for some relief when his pay increase kicked in later in May.

So today we are still processing this disappointment.

We still trust God's plan and care for us. And we know intellectually that in the big picture this is just a minor set back. But we are tired, emotionally drained and feeling a lot of strain.

I am so proud of Aaron. He has been working so hard this past year especially. His first year of teaching has been really challenging. He wakes early to leave for work, takes time every evening to spend with the kids, and works late into the night grading papers or doing his grad school work. He has never once complained. Never.

Please pray for us.

I thought it providential that the little calendar in my kitchen that has daily quotes read this yesterday:

The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do. - John Holt

Working for a living

Last night was my first shift as a minimum wage employee at Sonic. Today while we were chatting via web-cam my parents asked me how it went. Here are some of my thoughts.

1. I heard more gossip in my first half hour there than I have heard in the past 6 years (since I left DFCS).

2. While the national numbers for teen pregnancy have gone down it seems to still be an issue in our community. Last night I met 3 girls (ages 20, 17, and 15) who were all pregnant or had just recently had a baby.

3. Language! I had forgotten that in "the real world" people drop curse words at least once per sentence.

4. Flirting with members of the opposite sex was rampant and accepted, even if you were married or had a significant other.

5. It is much easier to tell a persons character by their actions rather than their words. Within about 20 minutes of being there and observing I could pretty much tell who were the real workers and people with integrity and those who weren't.

6. It is sad how the lack of education and opportunity breeds apathy and fatalism.

7. The middle school that Aaron teaches at has such a reputation for kids with bad behavior that most of the high school students that I talked to last night expressed sympathy when I told them where Aaron taught. Seriously. They all said, "Oh, I'm sorry for him. Those kids are the worst - and we should know!"

8. My left hip is still out of whack since giving birth. It was hurting so bad by the end of my shift that I couldn't even balance on my left leg in order to change my clothes. I felt like an old woman.

9. Even though this is a physically demanding job I already feel less stress in my life from not having to worry about MCC stuff and responsibility.

10. I have been living in a sheltered Christianized world the past few years. I realized last night I have really had very little contact with non-Christian people lately. I realized again last night that this small town community has so many needs, issues and cycles of sin. I hope that just by being compassionate, hard working, and real I will be able to make some kind of small difference in this new place God has put me. Imagine - a small town Sonic restaurant being a mission field! :-)

The little comedian

Jeremiah tells a "joke" that he just thinks is the funniest thing ever. He tells it to us at least once a day.

Here is what he is saying:

"One day when grandmommy was at our house she drawed a cat for me and I said, that's not a cat grandmommy!"

This stems from a time that Brenda came to watch the kids for me. She was drawing pictures and shapes for Jeremiah in the driveway and apparently her cat did not look like a cat to Jeremiah.

Ready to be mobile

Nathaniel wants to start crawling so badly! He gets very excited and wants to be part of any action around him that he sees. Initially his excitement caused him to lay on his belly and start kicking his legs and feet around, but they didn't make any contact with the floor and he would get frustrated. I guess he felt like he should be moving but wasn't. In the past few days he has started creeping forward bit by bit on his bottom in the sitting position. It's funny to watch. He will lean forward as far as he can, place his hands of the floor and then drag his bottom along bit by bit until it reaches the place where he has placed his hands.This works much better for him on the hardwood. And of course he can turn around in circles while on his tummy and is able to push himself backwards with his arms.

It continues to amaze me how children develop so quickly. Yesterday it was like something clicked in his head and he figured out how to get up on his hands and knees for extended periods of time. He hasn't figured out how to coordinate the actual crawling yet, but the sure sign that is one the way is his rocking back and forth while on all fours.

So he is ready to go.

Jeremiah has no idea of how his world is about to change.

I am not sure I am ready for the new level of vigilance that it will take on my part to keep up with a crawling baby.

Weekend doings

Nathaniel loves to ride on Papa's shoulders!

Jeremiah got enjoy some time with Papa on Saturday.

He was thrilled. Every morning when he wakes up he says, "Papa bear's at work."

On Sunday we went to Grannie's house after church to celebrate her birthday with her. What a blessing to be able to visit with her. The chemo treatments definitely have her tired and feeling sick, but her characteristic spunk and energy still shine through. Please pray for her complete healing from this cancer.

A busy week lies ahead. Aaron has his final oral exams for grad school (Thursday night, so pray if you feel led!), I will work 2 nights at Sonic and will also still be doing stuff for MCC. Despite the busy-ness I feel a sense of peace and contentment.

In his sermon on Sunday Travis encouraged us to think about 3 people that God was calling us to share the gospel with. His sermon really challenged me to be more intentional about sharing Christ's love with others. I have a lot to think about.

Here is a new song that we sang that encouraged me to worship with joy and awe of the salvation of our God!

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In the name of the Father

In the name of the Son

In the name of the Spirit

Lord we've come

We're gathered together

To lift up Your name

To call on our savior

To fall on Your grace

Hear the joyful sound of our offering

As your saints bow down, as your people sing

We will rise with You, lifted on Your wings

And the world will see that

Our God saves, our God saves

There is hope in Your name

Mourning turns to songs of praise

Our God saves, our God saves

- by Paul Baloche

You're doing what?!

Well, changes continue happening around here.

After a lot of thought, prayer, and tears I have told the board of directors of Mercy's Chosen Children that I will be resigning as Director of the agency at the end of this month. There are many reasons for this. The main one being that with 2 little ones at home I just don't have the time to give to MCC the way that I would like. I plan on still being involved with MCC by helping in any way that I can but I just didn't feel like I could continue the responsibility of directing the agency.

However, I have to have some income, even if it is small. We have been struggling the past few months as MCC has had financial difficulties and I have not been getting paid. Obviously I don't want to work full-time and put the kids in day care. So I now have a new and interesting adventure in store. I will be working 3-4 nights a week at Sonic - our local drive in fast food restaurant. I realize that this is not a career or a dream job. It may sound funny but I am actually looking forward to it. I think after all the uncertainty and stress that I have felt over MCC I am ready for a simple job where all I have to do is show up and work and then go home and not think about work again. I am even looking forward to getting out of the house a few evenings a week and interacting with other people.

Of course this change will have a big effect on our family. Aaron is a trooper and is willing to care for the boys the evenings that I work. It will probably take a few weeks for me to get used to the work and the changed hours (3 nights a week from 6pm - 11pm). But I think we will be ok.

It seems the old adage is true - the only thing that is certain is that things will always change.

Disciplining a 3 year old?

I will admit that I have been abit frustrated the past few days in trying to discipline Jeremiah. He is a loving, smart, enthusiastic, energetic, curious little boy. All good traits to have and things that I love about him. He at times is also stubborn, selfish, and disobedient.

We have entered a new stage of parenting with him. When he disobeys it is in a quiet, nonchelant kind of way. A quiet "no" when he is asked to do something. Ignoring a request and simply quietly continuing something else. Sneaking out of the front door when I am not looking after he has been told he cannot go outside. Some days I am at my wits end wondering how to deal with his behavior.

A few weeks ago we instituted the phrase that we obey, "The first time and with a happy heart." And yesterday (a particularly frustrating day) we wrote down and posted our 4 house rules. Jeremiah does really well when the expectations are clear and communicated to him. And I have learned in all my years of social work that it is important to narrow your house rules down to the few that are priority.

So with those things in mind we created these 4 house rules. These rules also help me evaluate whether the behavior that is frustrating me is really defiant behavior or just Jeremiah being a boy. They also set clear expectations for Jeremiah. Now when he is disobedient we have a starting point for a conversation about why he is being disciplined- was his behavior loving to God? loving to others? was he staying safe? was he taking care of his things?

Of course, I am still having problems with the method of discipline. Although I have spanked a few times I am not really a spanker. I personally find it hard to tell my son not to hit others when I hit him.... Also, personally, I have found that I tend to spank out of frustration and anger, wanting a quick fix to the behavior. I don't think that is healthy or beneficial to the goal of discipline (which means to teach). So for those reasons I only spank in the severest of circumstances. Time out is sometimes effective, but a lot of times he actually thinks it is fun. So what to do? Any advice?

This is all very challenging to me on a personal level. I am learning a lot about the need for discipline and consistency in my own life. I am learning to ask God daily for wisdom. I am learning that I am easily frustrated and driven to anger and I need to rely on God for patience and gentleness. I am learning so much about the grace the I have been granted by my Savior!

Standing!

"I want to get out of here and play with brother on the floor."

"Look what I figured out how to do."

"This is fun!"

"You'd better watch out mama. Your life is about to get way more interesting."

Boys in a wagon

We pulled out the wagon yesterday evening while working in the yard. The boys had blast riding around and playing. I know that I will cherish these pictures always.

A nice day

We had a great day yesterday visiting with family up in Nashville. Grandma and Grandpa were down from Philly and so we decided to drive up for the day and hang out with them and my cousin Kelly's house. It was a perfect spring day! We enjoyed our first cookout of the summer and each others company.

One of the most special parts of the day for me was watching grandpa play with Jeremiah. They became good friends and watching Grandpa with Jeremiah brought back the cherished memories I have of playing with my Grandpa when I was a child. Jeremiah experienced being tickled by Grandpa (I think every single cousin in our family has memories of that!), singing with Grandpa, listening to Grandpa's jokes, and being read stories by Grandpa.
The other great part of the day was the drive to and from Nashville. The boys slept most of the way to and from and so Aaron and I had quiet time to just talk and enjoy being together. It was a special treat that we have not recently had in our hectic lives!

The boys with their Viss great grandparents

We tried really hard to get a picture of all the great grandkids with the grandparents. But it was hard. I think Carla or Aunt Evy may have finally gotten a good one. :-)

Grandpa plays with Nathaniel

Grandpa plays with Jeremiah.

Grandpa tickling Jeremiah while Sophia looks on.

Jeremiah and Grandpa spend about 45 minutes together outside just telling stories and singing songs. I loved being able to just glance out the kitchen widow and witness this scene.

Sophia loves books as much as Jeremiah does!

They both enjoyed snuggling with Grandpa on the couch while he read to them.

Jeremiah gives Sophia the present he picked out for her. An Elmo book.

We had him color the wrapping paper and he even wrote her name on it!

Sophia had a great inflatable toy filled with balls that was a hit with Jeremiah. I think he spent most of the day playing in there. I couldn't resist putting Nathaniel in there for a few minutes too.

Sleep...gaining it!

Ok, I guess you know how boring my life is when my blog updates focus around my baby's sleeping habits. Oh well, those of you who know me well know that my drug of choice is sleep!

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Last nights progress -

7:00pm - nursed, rocked, put in crib sleepy, cried for about 10 minutes before falling asleep

9:00pm - awake, nursed, put in crib sleepy, fell asleep without crying

2:30am - awake, nursed, put in crib sleepy, fell asleep without crying

6:00am - awake, nursed in bed, fell asleep (I let him sleep in our bed the last 2 hours in the morning mostly because I don't want him to wake up Jeremiah too early.)

8:00am - awake for the day

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I think this is great progress for one day and am so encouraged! We got a 5 1/2 hour stretch or sleep and only one bout of crying on only the second night! Eventually we will start to phase out some of the late or middle of the night feedings, but that is something else and for another time. Right now I am just happy that we are all starting to get some sleep.

Sleep...or the lack thereof...

Deciding to nip the whole waking-up-4-times-a-night-to-nurse-or-sleep-in-our-bed thing in the bud we moved Nathaniel's crib into our room so that we could let him cry himself to sleep without disturbing his brother. I'm not big on letting babies cry for hours and hours until they sleep. I figure that is not really teaching them how to sleep but merely leaving them to wear themselves out until they collapse. My general rule is that if my baby has cried in his crib for more than 30 minutes with me checking on him every 10 minutes then something else is up so I try something else. Another rule of thumb that I use is that if I try something consistently for 3 days and it is still not working then it is time to try something else.

We have seen though that Nathaniel is just being stubborn about not wanting to sleep in his crib. He fights sleeping in his crib but will willingly lay down next to me on our bed and drift off to sleep. He really is such a sociable little guy, he hates being left alone. (Another reason we put the crib in our room so that he could know we were still there even if he was crying.)

So we committed to 3 nights of putting Nathaniel in his bed drowsy but awake and letting him figure out how to put himself to sleep. We also agreed that we will put him back in his bed every time he wakes up at night. No more sleeping in our bed.

Last night went fairly well. He went easily to sleep at his normal bed time, woke briefly later in the evening but was easily settled again. Then at about midnight he woke up and would not go to sleep in his crib again. He cried on and off for the next 2 hours or so with me doing everything to help settle him. I rocked, I walked, I left him to cry, I sang lullabies, I rubbed his back while he lay on his tummy. I was determined to be strong, remembering the books that talk about not giving in, that it doesn't hurt them to cry, etc. etc. etc.

Finally at 2:30 a.m. I was beside myself. It was obvious this was not going to work. I decided to nurse him. Instead of nursing him in our bed (which I usually did, where he would fall asleep) I took him out to the living room and nursed him there. He stayed awake and ate with gusto. I was then able to bring him back to our room, rock him for a minute until he was sleepy again, and then calmly lay him in his crib where he slept until 8 a.m.

You can imagine how guilty I felt. I will never ignore my instincts and listen to the advice of those strict books again. It goes against every motherly cell in my body to let my child cry for extended periods of time. I don't care what the "experts" say, I don't like it and I won't do it anymore. I will continue to put him in his crib and gently teach him to sleep there.

Trust

In my continuing meditation on Proverbs 31 I have recently been thinking about the phrase in verse 11, "the heart of her husband trusts in her." What does it mean to trust? What does it mean to be trustworthy? Here is what the dictionary says in italics with my notes next to it:

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Trust:

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc. of a person or thing

Do I have these qualities and display them in every day life so that Aaron can rely on me?

2. confident expectation of something; hope

Am I the kind of woman who instills hope and expectation in the heart of my husband?

3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods, credit

4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies

Am I reliable? How do I show I am reliable? Do I follow through on promises I make? Do I do the little things every day that build the foundation of Aaron's being able to rely on me no matter what?

5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted

Do I care for Aaron (his heart, life, emotions, and children) as a precious thing that has been entrusted to me? Do I see him as something to cherish, care for, and protect or do I begrudge the tasks I am given to care for him?

6. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed

Being someone Aaron can trust is not just something nice I should do for him. It is a Biblical charge that I have been given. When I took my marriage vows before God I promised to care for him. Do I fulfill those vows on a daily basis?

7. charge, custody, or care

If Aaron truly trusts me then he should be able to put his heart in my care. Do I prove worthy of that in my daily actions?

8. something committed to or entrusted to one's care of safe keeping, as an office, duty, or the like; responsibility

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In his book As for Me and My House Walter Wangerin talks about dependability as the first task of marriage. Here are some quotes that I come back to time and time again.

* "Dependability is truthfulness in action - in your action. It regards your promises, whether spoken or unspoken, and your spouse's reasonable expectations, that you will in fact do what you pledge to do, that you will fulfill anticipations. Is secures, now, the future in deed." p. 124

* Dependability requires a careful work:

- to make your promises wisely, realistically, according to your true abilities, according to your spouses real needs;

- to remember the specific promises and your general marital duties in a hectic world;

- to make these promises a fixed priority in a world that will entice you persistently to other interests;

- and to accomplish all the little pledges ungrudgingly, gracefully. p. 124-125

* Do you see then that dependability is, first of all, a personal and spiritual labor? It is a struggle, in fact, against self-centeredness, against thinking you have the right to follow your own immediate moods, to satisfy your own feelings...Now your previous pledges must shape your activities, your schedules, your priorities, and your labor.

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So I have been working hard and more intentionally at being trustworthy and dependable. It is hard! It is hard to put my own selfishness aside and completely serve my husband. I confess that I do not do this well because I am a very very selfish person. But, I want my husband to trust in me and the only way to achieve that is to actually be trustworthy. It sounds silly but when I started this process I started small - I pledged to have dinner on the table for him every evening when he got home. It isn't always a fancy dinner, but it is there. I pledged to greet him with a cheerful and loving spirit when he returned home regardless of how tired, hormonal, or stressed out I was. Then I moved on to other things like having the house (especially our bedroom) in some sense of order when he gets home so it is a peaceful environment for him. These are small things and things that you are probably thinking, "Sarah, you should have been doing all that already." You are right, I should have.

Like Wangerin says this labor of dependability changes my schedule and day. I get up in the morning and over my first cup of coffee I sit and make a list of what needs to be accomplished that day so that my husband can depend on me.

The world would probably view this as old-fashioned, being a door mat, giving up my freedoms. But the world is wrong. Just like the Bible promises, my joy comes from serving my husband. I feel contentment and peace as I fulfill this charge that I have been given. And the reward - the growth in my relationship with my husband as he sees that his heart truly can trust in me.