Naming the ugly

My parents arrive on Thursday! Oma and Opa will be staying here at our house for the whole month of April! Super excited doesn't even do justice to what we feel! A lot of things have been happening around here very quickly and I have been busy the past few days trying to get things ready for them as well as a few other things.

On Sunday a dear, close friend offered to come over one day this week and help me clean the house. You want to know my first, knee-jerk reaction to such a generous offer? "Oh no! I can't let her do that! There is no way I can let her see how dirty my bathrooms are right now!" Seriously. This is a close friend who knows my stuff. She knows of my struggles and my sin. I know of her struggles and her sin.Yet, there was part of me (the recovering Pharisee part) that didn't want her to see how messy my house can get. That part of me wanted to maintain the illusion of outward order and perfection.

The truth is however, that in order for the house to be clean and orderly when my parents arrive I will need some help. I will need to acknowledge that it is dirty and disorganized and we have been busy and there is much to be done.

I do this in my spiritual life too. Here is a journal entry from a few months ago:

Jesus answered them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick, I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." -Luke 5:31,32

For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings. -Hosea 6:6

As I see more and more of the ugliness of the patterns of sin in my life I am often driven to despair. Because, at heart I am a rule follower, a Pharisee. I am practiced at maintaining the outward trappings of religion and quick to judge those who are not.
So, the inability to "fix" my own sin patterns of anger and complacency and laziness and selfishness astounds me. And the depth of hurt that these "socially acceptable" sins can cause is ugly.
Jesus words stop me cold. Someone who is a "sinner" knows they are a sinner. They can name the sin, whatever it may be. They know that they cannot be "fixed." There is no justification of rationalization. It is like an alcoholic going to an AA meeting and stating, "Hi, my name is ---, and I am an alcoholic." It's a fact. It's clear. It's owned. It's public. And for an alcoholic to begin to heal, that step - naming the condition- is the essential first part of the process.
Would healing and deep repentance come if I was able to dig beneath the trappings of my "good Christianity" and name my sin?
Hi, my name is Sarah, I am: completely selfish, abusive in my anger, lazy, complacent, disrespectful toward my husband.
Maybe the steadfast love that God requires instead of sacrifice can only come when I name and own the ugliness of my sin. Only something that is ugly and diseased can be healed. When I name the ugly and see it made clean and whole through Jesus blood, then steadfast love will flow, out of deepest gratitude.

I think it is obvious that this is a huge area of struggle for me. But I am slowly learning to name the ugly so that it can be healed.

I accepted my friends offer to come and help me clean. Then, this morning as I was standing in my bathroom I thought, "These floors are really nasty! I really should at least vacuum them so they don't look so bad when she comes to help tomorrow." Sigh. When will I ever learn?

1000 Gifts

I felt so overwhelming blessed last week. It was a week in which God answered specific prayers in specific ways, worked out details that I had never even considered, gave me strength when I was weary, and showed me the beautiful community of people that surround me.
- spring flowers (again! they are gifts every day!)
- birds returning
- being able to ask for help
- Womens bibles study - encouragement, accountability, learning to be disciples together
- a yard full of boys playing
- softly falling rain
- the color combination of bright green new leaves and bright purple red-bud blossoms, takes my breath away every spring
- morning son glittering on dew drops, perfectly and precisely ringing the edge of each new Hosta leaf
- Jeremiah making Nathaniel laugh
- holding baby girls
- crisp clean sheets on the guest room bed

I choose to find joy and count gifts. They number 694 in my journal, I share some of them here.

Five Minute Friday

I thought I would join 5 Minute Friday at Gypsy Mama just for fun. Five minutes in the midst of busy life, just to write.

Prompt: Waking Up...

Waking up is always difficult for me. I am a night owl by nature, but children who are early risers have changed that. Now my early morning alone time is cherished. I wake in the dark. I find my spot on the worn couch in the sunroom. I sit quietly watching the world outside my window wake. The sky pearls. The birds begin to chirp and flutter. The tulips in the bulb garden are closed up tight against the night time chill. As day breaks I beg for wisdom, and love, and patience, and joy for this day. The Word is on my lap. Feeding me with what I know I will need for this day.

1000 Gifts - spring is officially here!

- the first of spring's flowers, brought to me in grubby hands and offered with such love and enthusiasm
- beauty amid the messy-ness of every day life (notice the dirty dishes)


- days spent outside
- brothers becoming friends
- birds returning
- open windows
- bare feet
- the work of sorting through summer clothes as a reminder of having more than we need
- this song and the truth it reminds me of during this Lent:
Who O Lord could save themselves, their own soul could heal?
Our shame was deeper than the sea, your love is deeper still.

Chorus: You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave.
You came down to find us, led us out of death.
To you alone belongs the highest praise

You O Lord have made a way, the great divide you healed.
For when our hearts were far away, your love went further still.
Yes, your love goes further still!

We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes, you're the giver of life!
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes, you're the giver of life!
-Matt Redman

An encouraging day

It is a rainy, cool day. I wake before the boys and armed with my coffee, Bible and journal I settle in my comfy spot in the sun room. As I read and pray and write the boys slowly wake and join me. Nathaniel is typically the early riser and will snuggle with me while I finish my reading. Jeremiah will join us later full of enthusiasm and ready to start the day.

We breakfast slowly. There is no need to rush. We read a Psalm and discuss the plan for the day. Mostly schoolwork since we have been pretty busy the past 2 days with other activities and we need to catch up. The sky outside the window is pearly gray, the rain is drifting down like fog, and I am thankful that we don't have to leave the house.

The boys play together while I clean up and prepare for school. I hear their laughter from their room. They are planning a Star Wars battle. Occasionally Jeremiah's voice will raise bossy and loud. Nathaniel talks back softly but firm. He is beyond the age to be pushed around. I hear them compromise and peace is restored.

Jeremiah completes his math lesson mostly on his own while I snuggle on the couch and read to Nathaniel. Then we spend time together learning about the shapes of land on the Earth's surface (Science) and slaves following "the drinking gourd" to freedom on the Underground Railroad (History). Jeremiah again works on his own, practicing his handwriting while Nathaniel amuses himself with some toys.

It's time for a break and a snack and since playing outside is not an option they talk together and come to an agreement on a movie to watch.

Lunch is simple but filling. Homemade bread, peanut butter & jelly, some fruit, a full glass of raw milk that came straight out of a cow on Saturday morning. We chat. The boys make silly talk.

My plan was to immediately do reading and naps after lunch. But as I finish cleaning up the kitchen I again hear the sounds of fun and contented play coming from the boys room. They are making plans together. Laughing. Sharing toys. Talking. They are building some kind of trap to let down from the middle bunk bed. I let them play. And I realize that this is a great gift of schooling at home. That these boys are learning to be friends. Instead of being away from us for 7 hours a day, Jeremiah is here, building relationships with us. He is learning to listen to his 3 year old brother instead of just boss him around. He is learning to compromise and work as a team and encourage and be a good example.

Not every day of schooling at home is a peaceful and picturesque as this one. But days like these, where we learn and play and grow and I witness friendship forming, encourage me to continue.

Observing Lent

It has only been in the past few years that I have leaned into the practice of observing Lent. A few years ago, as I began to read more blogs and as our Pastor was encouraging us to read through the New Testament during Lent, I began to see the value of taking time to reflect on the depth of sin and sacrifice before Easter came.
I don't "fast" from anything during Lent. Instead I try to make my devotional time focused on awareness/confession/repentance of my sin. I also try and focus on the "Passion" of Christ in an intentional way. All of this helps me to realize in a new way the deep need I have of a Savior and the great sacrifice that my Savior made.

Here are some of the resources I am using this year:
Reliving the Passion by Walter Wangerin - This book has a short daily scripture reading, devotional, and prayer for the 40 days of Lent. Wangerin's writing is always descriptive, inspiring, thought provoking, and worshipful.

Ann Voskamp blogging at A Holy Experience - God uses Ann's words daily in my life. Her initial post Why Do Lent? Why A Failing Lent Actually Succeeds is powerful and profound and also has a great list of resources to use for observing Lent.

Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals - This is both a book and a website. It is not geared specifically to Lent. But the practice of building specific prayer times into my day has been something I have wanted to do for a long time and I figured that Lent would be as good a time as any to start.

Reading through the Gospels - For the past few weeks we have been reading through the Gospels in our woman's Bible study. Taking time to study and reflect on the life of Christ and what it means for me has been thought provoking and challenging.

Do you observe Lent? How?

1000 Gifts - the Star Wars/Lego edition

It was a great day. An epic birthday perfect for a 6 year old with a house full of boys to romp with, a new stash of Star Wars to construct, an r2d2 cake, a Darth Vader pinata, and most of all, lots and lots of love!

- ringing laughter, noisy battles, boys having fun
- excitement over the cake, which was a labor of love
- a house full!
- looking around and seeing a room full of people who love my son
- Uncle Caleb patiently sharing his Iphone
- grandparents who bring chili every year to help out
- creativity with little plastic pieces
- sharing a cup of tea with a friend, ignoring the mess in order to chat
- sharing life with these people

Knowing grace

It has been a challenging couple of weeks. This morning all my anxiety and frustration seemed to boil over and spew out. Harsh words to the kids, silence toward Aaron, constant complaining as I look at the list of daily tasks.
This is why the counting of gifts is not just some heart warming exercise. It is building the discipline of seeing God in every moment of life. It is the battle for seeing grace not only on the sunny days when we spend the days outside among the daffodils but also on the gray and rainy days seemingly devoid of color or life.

Ann Voskamp says here,
A celebrant celebrates the extravagant grace of Christ.
A celebrant is the one keeping her eyes on Jesus and His perfect sacrifice - precisely because she isn't perfect.
The sinners and the sick, the broken, the discouraged, the wounded and the burdened - we are the ones who get to celebrate grace.
Christ invites us to celebrate the full life as the celebrants - not because we 've got it all together, but because He finished it all on the cross.
The art of celebrating life isn't about getting it right - but about receiving grace.
Regardless of the mess of your life, if Christ is Lord of your life, than we are the celebrants out dancing in the wild rain of grace - because when it's all done and finished, all is well, and Christ already said it was finished.

I want to celebrate. I want the knowledge of grace in my head to spill down into my heart and cause me to dance wild joy, precisely in the midst of dirty dishes and broken refrigerators and fighting boys and hurting friends and endless to-do lists and sleepless nights and...

Pictures from every day life

Aaron found this great little puppet theatre on the side of the road! We've been having lots of fun making up plays with the 3 puppets we have. It also gets used as a place to hide and "surprise" people from, a fort, a space ship and who knows what else.

We make a loaf of bread in our bread machine almost every day now. It is a simple pleasure to put the ingredients in first thing in the morning while I make breakfast, smell the comforting smell of fresh bread baking during the morning, and have warm bread for lunch.

I fear that Nathaniel will never be an easy sleeper. We turn off the boys light at 8pm but Nathaniel is usually still up and down until 9 or 9:30 most nights. One night (pre-broken collar bone) we found him like this.

Nathaniel is a tad dramatic. Here he is playing "dead Jedi warrior."

The first few days after Nathaniel broke his collar bone Jeremiah was so sweet and caring. He followed Nathaniel around offering to help him do things and "protecting" his broken side from being bumped into by other kids. I enlisted his help and he willingly spent hours reading to Nathaniel. Now that it has been over a week and Nathaniel doesn't really want to sit still anymore we are back to sword fights and wrestling matches. Sigh. What is a mother to do?

Nostalgia on Jeremiah's 6th Birthday

Today, Jeremiah is 6 years old.
Typing that out doesn't really help me wrap my head around the fact that this boy, who as our first baby turned our lives upside down in the best ways possible, is actually a whopping 6 years old.
I'm feeling nostalgic today, because 6 just feels so freaking old. And because 5 turning into 6 really has brought levels of independence and maturity that take my breath away, and hurt my heart just a tiny little bit, I am allowing myself to reminisce about Jeremiah's actual birth day.

Shortly after buying our first house together we felt like the time was right to start a family. I nervously and excitedly stopped taking birth control pills. We waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, 3 years later the line on the stick turned blue and our lives changed forever.

I had strong contractions every night for about 10 days before Jeremiah was born. Every evening as I stopped to breathe through contractions I thought, "Tonight is the night. It has to be." But then I would wake up in the morning with the contractions gone. I walked for miles with my mom, and helped my dad pull up gigantic azalea bushes by the roots, all in an effort to get this baby born. But showing his independent streak even in the womb he decided to stay put.

At our last doctor's appointment I was an emotional wreck. We didn't want to have any form of medical induction, but I was exhausted and stressed out. We decided to go in to the hospital on Friday morning to be induced. I will never forget that sleepless night and the excited drive to the hospital as the sun rose pink in the sky. By 9:00am my water had been broken and before 10:00am I was experiencing painful, continuous back labor. By noon I was trying to crawl up the back of the bed to get away from the pain and we decided that I should get an epidural. Aaron was by my side the whole time, encouraging, supporting, massaging. Finally, at 8:20pm after 2 hours of pushing, and before the doctor could even make it into the room, Jeremiah was born, practically into my mother's arms.

Every day since that day 6 years ago has been an adventure. Today Jeremiah is an outspoken, intelligent, adventurous, deeply thinking, strongly independent boy. I sometimes miss the chubby baby that had to cuddle in my arms in order to fall asleep. But, as Jeremiah's personality continues to emerge, and I get glimpses into his strengths and weaknesses I am excited about the continued adventure that his life will be.

1000 Gifts - Picking it up again

I have a pretty traditional relationship to church. I love to go.

I don't attend church out of legalistic motives. I really and truly desire to be worshiping God among other believers on a Sunday morning. Something in me craves it.

Yesterday morning Nathaniel insisted on going to church. Despite his lack of sleep the night before, and the pain he was in, he simply would not consider not going to church. I could identify with his desire. I most want to be in church when I am weary and burdened and at the end of myself.

I am so thankful for a church family that doesn't require us to be dressed up and on our best behavior in order to come and worship. Yesterday I sat in the back row, gingerly holding Nathaniel on my lap. I was exhausted from being up all night. I was dressed in my most comfortable pants, very little make up on, and hair thrown back in a pony tail. Nathaniel was a little whiny. But instead of getting irritated looks from others at his distracting behavior we got looks of sympathy and love and concern.

The week ahead felt daunting. My spirit needed filling, encouragement, reminding of grace. I needed the inspiration and balm of worship through music. I needed to see the physical reminder of the body of Christ that I am surrounded by. I needed hugs. I needed to be reminded that I am not alone on this journey to live more like Christ.

Because, it is not just the institution of church. It is God's presence, with us, among His people as they gather.

And that is why I go to church.

Continuing to count my 1000 gifts. Picking up the pen again after taking my eyes away from His presence. They now number 677 in my journal, I share some here.

- a broken collar bone, reminder of God's provision and sovereignty over the lives of my children
- Jeremiah's tender care and concern for his brother
- Nathaniel's joyful and charming spirit, even in the midst of pain
- worship for the weary
- prayer in the watches of the night

broken collar bone

I went walking today. I didn't have a pocket for my phone so I left it in the van. When I got back and checked my phone there was a text message from Aaron, "home asap." I quickly drove home to find Nathaniel snuggled up on Aaron, keening softly, asking for me and saying that his neck hurt. Turns out he had fallen off of his bunk bed. Any movement in his arm caused him to cry so I headed took him to the after hours clinic for x-rays. My suspicions were confirmed, a broken collar bone. Our active little guy is supposed to keep his arm in a sling and as still as possible for about 3 weeks. I have no idea how we are going to do that!

A number of people have suggested wrapping his arm to his side with ace bandages. We did that tonight before bed time and it seemed to help. We will probably wrap it this way for a few weeks. (Note: We wrapped it wrong in this picture. The over the shoulder strap is supposed to go over his good shoulder not his bad shoulder. We fixed it right away.)

Once again Nathaniel charmed all the nurses and had the doctor chuckling as he recounted his fall and injury in great detail. He only complained about the pain when he moved his arm. We'll see how he copes with the pain in the next few days.

Yesterday Nathaniel was running around the playground with a stick in his hand. He was waving it around like a gun. He was also running up and down the slides with his stick. It was obviously dangerous and clearly an accident waiting to happen. I joked with my friend that Nathaniel needed more than one guardian angel, he needed a whole legion.

Tonight I snuggled both boys a little longer before bed time. Jeremiah is on the brink of turning 6, time slipping away. And Nathaniel's injury could have been much worse. I was reminded today to cherish the precious, fleeting moments.

Randomness, again

I feel like I have nothing to write about lately. Or maybe I have so much rattling around in my brain that I just don't know what or how to share it. I think I am just in a winter time funk. I stopped counting my 1000 gifts (not good), we haven't been able to go outside much, a few things are causing some financial stress, and various situations with friends and family have me heavy at heart. I have found myself in my brief moments alone retreating from reality into old movies (got to love Netflix!).
But, there is a lot going on around here. So here it is in random bullet points (again).

* Jeremiah and I went on a date, just the 2 of us, the other night. I had errands to run and after a particularly difficult day Aaron suggested that Jeremiah and I needed some time together. It was great! We did some grocery shopping, looked at refrigerators at Home Depot, and had dinner at IHOP. I am realizing more and more that I need to make one-on-one time with Jeremiah a priority.

* We were looking at refrigerators because our refrigerator is dying. Sigh. I guess the good thing is that we have an emergency savings account for things like this. I just hate spending money out of that account.

* Jeremiah has discovered Lego's. He never really enjoyed Duplo's or building with blocks so I just assumed that we wouldn't have the obsession with Lego's that most boys seem to have. I was wrong. He found the Lego's that he received last Christmas and proceeded to spend 2 hours building all manner of Star Wars space vehicles out of about 50 Lego pieces. So now we have small Playmobil and Lego pieces littered around the house.

* Nathaniel may not have much of an interest in learning his letters, but he sure is learning a lot from our History lessons! He will proudly tell you that Betsy Ross made the first American flag and name some of the men who signed the "Paper of Independence." His favorite thing to watch right now is "Liberty's Kids", a terrific cartoon series about the colonies and the Revolutionary war (again, got to love Netflix!).

* I have been trying to be more self-disciplined with working out and watching what I eat. It really helps to have to actually go to a class with friends. I do yoga on Tuesday nights and pilates on Thursday night. I try to do my walking video on the other week days, but that is still kind of hit or miss. The biggest change I have made is not snacking during the day and not eating sweets on weekdays. I think I have lost about 3-5 lb and I am already feeling much better. Maybe one of these days our WiiFit won't shake it's head in disgust at me when I do my weigh-in. :-)

* I am leading a women's Bible study on Wednesday mornings. We are reading through the gospels. It really is amazing to take time to slow down and digest Jesus' words. He says some pretty amazing stuff that is leading to lots of deep thought on my part. Reading books by Francis Chan and listening to the "Radical" sermon series by David Platt is all part of the process too.

* Aaron will be home on winter break next week! My parents are coming to visit for the whole month of April, so we have a list of little projects that need to be done but have been put off. I hope next week will be a good balance between productivity and relaxation.

* Aaron has been brewing beer. In our kitchen. He loves it. I think his first batch was successful. He is now in the process with 2 different batches that are intended as gifts for Chad and Caleb.

So, that is my randomness for today.

white couch...blue couch...

Back in the fall when we first went to IKEA to buy our couch we wanted the blue cover. But it was out of stock so we went with the white cover. I loved the white cover. I thought it looked crisp and modern and clean and light. But, no one wanted to sit on our white couch. Seriously. They would walk in, exclaim, "Wow! I love the white couch!" and then promptly sit on any other chair or surface in the room, leaving the couch completely empty. No amount of information from me regarding the durability or washability (is that even a word?) of the white cover could convince people to just sit on it and relax.

Funny story; the only person who enthusiastically said, "I love your new couch!" without commenting on the color was my friend who has 3 boys who are more wild and crazy than my boys are.

Anyway. Above all we want people to feel comfortable and relaxed in our home. So Aaron declared that the next time we were in Atlanta we would get the blue cover. It's a pretty color. I just don't like it as much as the white. But, people actually sit on the couch now. So, here I am, sacrificing my choice of couch color in order to serve other people. Aren't I holy?

how potty training revealed the heart

Yesterday I made a conscious decision to practice a parenting method of discipline that I had always said I would never, ever do. Funny how that happens.....

A few months ago we assumed Nathaniel was completely potty trained. For a whole week he used the toilet, on his own, with very few accidents. We high-fived each other and figured we had the 2 smartest, easiest to potty train kids in the whole world. That made us pretty good parents, because in the world of parenting your success is measured by your child's success. Ha ha!

They say pride goes before a fall. And Nathaniel must have decided that we were too prideful because he promptly decided to stop using the potty and do his business everywhere but the potty. Unless we begged, and reminded, and set timers, and prompted, he chose to either go in his pants or go all over the floor. No amount of m&m's or other candy bribe seemed to be enough incentive. He honestly and truly didn't care if his pants were wet. He seemed to think it was easier to go in his pants, dump the contents in the toilet, and then put on clean pants, then to just go in the toilet in the first place. Ugh!!

Now, let me be clear here. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit that is not very abundant in me. And potty training brings out the worst of my lack of patience. I huff and puff. I yell. I complain about the extra work for me. And after months of dealing with pee and poop I was losing what small vestiges of patience I still had.

In the past few days I noticed a pattern. I would ask Nathaniel if he needed to use the potty. He would tell me "no." I would ask him if he was listening to his body. He would tell me "yes." Then, less then 5 minutes later I would find him hiding somewhere and doing his business. So yesterday I made a clear and conscious decision. I told Nathaniel that if he peed or pooped in his pants after telling me he didn't need to go I would spank him. Yep. Everything I learned as a social worker about not spanking, especially for bodily functions, went out the window. Because I realized that Nathaniel was not trying his best and then having accidents, he was choosing to disobey. I knew that Nathaniel was capable of going in the potty, he was being passive aggressive in his disobedience.

Of course, he tested me. Less than an hour after our conversation and about 5 minutes after I had asked him to take a potty break and he had told me that he didn't need to I found him in his room taking off dirty pants and trying to dispose of the contents. I cleaned him up, talked to him about our earlier conversation, and then spanked him. It hurt. Him and me. I hated to do it. But I did, twice yesterday he received a spanking for going in his pants.

Last night before bed we talked about it again. We talked about outward obedience as a measure of the inward obedience of the heart. As I went to bed last night I prayed that I was not scarring my kid for life by my discipline methods of the day.

This morning when he woke up I went over it all again with Nathaniel. He knew the consequence for disobeying when it came to potty time. And lo and behold! In the midst of making Valentine cards Nathaniel ran to the potty, was gone a few minutes, then came running back shouting, "I WENT POOP IN THE POTTY! COME LOOK! I DID IT!" We did a silly, loud, happy dance and I told him I was so proud of him!

Funny, how potty training Nathaniel came to be about more than just where he went poop and pee. None of the tips or tricks that we heard or read about helped. For him, it was a heart issue of obedience and that had to be dealt with before the poop and pee could be dealt with. Today I am hopeful. He has, on his own initiative, stayed clean and dry all morning. This is a huge victory considering that for the past few weeks I have already changed his pants 3 times by this time.

This parenting thing is pretty complicated!

School Update

At some point in January we passed the 100 days of school mark. So I figured it was time for an update.

I feel like we are making good progress. Jeremiah finished his Social Studies lessons back in the fall and I assessed him out of Phonics since that involved learning to read and he is reading full chapter books right now (just finished The Tale of Despereux). I don't follow the suggested Language Arts lesson because we read and do a lot of discussion on our own. Science and History are Jeremiah's two favorite subjects. He especially loves History! So far we have covered the basics of the globe and continents and are now moving into the history of the founding of the United States. This is somewhat new territory for me too since I never lived in the US long enough to get a really good grasp of US history. For right now Jeremiah is practicing his handwriting by writing in his own "gratitude journal" every morning (see above picture). Math is going well too. We have moved ahead and are now to the point where he is really learning new things in Math. I don't remember doing 3 step, estimation story problems in kindergarten!

Before Christmas I had a conference with Jeremiah's teacher. She said that if I assessed him out of Language Arts then we could start him on 1st grade material for LA and Phonics. But we decided not to do that simply because what we are doing works for us this year and we didn't want to push ahead and put more pressure than was necessary on him or on me.

Because right now I feel like we have a good rhythm. We can do the bulk of the assigned school work in about 2 hours a day. This leaves us free time for other things like hanging out with friends, going to museums or plays, taking hikes, or reading & learning about a subject that is of interest to Jeremiah (dinosaurs and pirates have been favorite study material).

I am still not comfortable with everything being so computer based. One day last week my computer was not starting up and so I had no way to access our lessons for the day. That was a pain. And as far as the curriculum goes, there is nothing wrong with it, but I just don't find it terribly interesting. Especially since I have to keep reading the lessons off of the computer.

People always ask me, "But what about his socialization?" Honestly, I don't really understand the question. We constantly have people of all ages in and out of our house. He may not be spending 7 hours a day with 30 other 5&6 year olds but he is learning how to be patient and self-less with children who are younger than him as well as articulate and thoughtful (and fun!) with children older than him. We also make sure that he has opportunities to develop friendships with children who are closer to his age.

I never thought I would be a homeschooling mom. There are great days and there are days where I feel completely overwhelmed and wish I could send Jeremiah off to school. But for right now this is working for us. And I must say, there is a particular joy I feel in being a part of Jeremiah's learning process. It helps too that we don't have to get up at the crack of dawn to get dressed and out the door for school. :-)

a beautiful mess

Life is busy. Full of good things and hard things. The business of living is messy sometimes. But this kind of mess is the kind of mess that I like to see. I look beyond the mess in the pictures and see that our table was surrounded with 4 chattering boys, 3 moms, and 2 baby girls. I see food that was cooked with love, delivered to our door, and waiting in our freezer. I see the friendships that are growing. The encouragement I receive from women, with different backgrounds and stories, who are walking the same path that I am. I see the lessons my boys are learning about loving other people. I see laughter and shared lives.

I love having our table surrounded by people and the beautiful mess it creates.

Jealous love

Sometimes, in the midst of the crazy and busy and frustrating and just plain exhausting, hope shines through bright and brilliant and breathtaking.

The past few weeks I have been feeling great discouragement in the mothering of my children. Challenging behavior has left me breathless in it's intensity and lost in my inadequacy. I have struggled in prayer and consistency. I say over and over again, "Your behavior is a reflection of your heart, son." And the behavior leaves me hurt and sad because of the depth of selfishness and sin that it reveals. Which of course leads to self-condemnation because it is my job, after all, to be the picture of the gospel that my children can see. And if they aren't showing the fruit of the Spirit it must be because the fruit of the Spirit is not in me as well.

This morning I was singing the words,
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am tree, bending beneath the wind of His love and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware, of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affection is for me.
Praying and pleading to feel this truth as I changed wet underwear (for the 3rd time this morning), strapped on little shoes and zipped up puffy winter jackets.

Jeremiah stops me in mid stride.
"Mama, what does that mean? He is jealous for me."
I pause. There are things to do and places to be. I pull a knit cap over Nathaniel's ears.
"Well, what does the word jealous mean?" I ask back. I have learned that this son prefers to discover on his own.
"It's when you want something some one else has." The answer is quick. He knows this one, we have talked about it before.
"That's right. But, do you think that God wants our stuff?" I ask another question.
"No." The tone reflects that absurdity of the thought.
"So what do you think it means. That God is jealous for me?" I let the question linger. Snap down Nathaniel's coat.
I glance up at Jeremiah's face. He is grinning. His eyes lit up with wonder.
"It means that God wants ME! All of me!"
In that moment the beauty of truth in my child's heart blinds me. Because I see that this son, who prides himself on always having the right answer, is overjoyed by the truth of the knowledge and not simply by the correctness of the answer.

I pull him close. "Yes son, I whisper. He loves you so much that He wants all of you."

The self-condemnation of the past few weeks slips away because I feel this truth, He loves my son. I can trust the inner-workings of the heart of my son to the One who loves him jealously.

The evolution of a decision

One day we decided: No more of our money is going to be spent at Wal-mart.

The decision didn't come on in one blinding moment of insight. It evolved really.

When we first started getting serious about budgeting we tried to squeeze every dime out of our grocery budget. In order to stretch our precious dollars we shopped almost exclusively at big-box stores which promised to have the lowest prices. We bought into the mindset the cheaper was better. Because of course cheaper was better for us.

But then we started to notice things.

The arrival of a Wal-mart in our town caused the closure of the small mom-and-pop run stores on our quaint main street and square. Traffic and business was sucked from the center of town to the outskirts where new and ugly little strip malls were quickly built (and now stand mostly empty thanks the the "economic downturn"). When at Wal-mart I regularly got frustrated. They had few selection options and were usually out of at least one item on my list. The employees were generally not helpful. I started dreading going to Wal-mart. It was always a stressful experience.

Then we started to get educated about certain things.

I read The Story of Stuff. I learned about consumption and how our nation's drive to consume developed. I learned about how our corporate and individual consumption effects not only the environment but people too.

We watched The Future of Food, Food Inc., and Food Matters and learned about the change in agriculture in the past generation and how this is effecting not only our individual health but our global health. We learned about genetically modified foods and how the large food distributors are forcing small farmers out of business. We learned about pesticides and herbicides and the patenting of seeds. We learned about how we really and truly are what we eat. And the premise of the book In Defense of Food, "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." started to make sense to us.

I stumbled across information on chocolate. How a very large percentage of commercial chocolate comes from cocoa harvested by child slaves in West Africa. And no government seems to want to do anything about it.

We learned about jewels that come from conflict zones. People are dying so that the wealthy can wear shiny rocks on their fingers. How diamonds are actually not rare jewels but part of one of the most effective marketing schemes ever in which society bought into the fact that "a diamond is forever" and that a large diamond is a measure of love and a symbol of social status.

Finally, we watched Wal-mart: The High Cost of Low Price which opened our eyes to poor working conditions in other countries, low wages and lack of benefits to workers here in our country, the impact of Wal-mart (and consumption) on community, and the unethical business practices of Wal-mart executives in the name of capitalism.

Through all of this awakening to new information, God was working in our hearts. We began to read the verses about justice differently. We began to feel that God was not only concerned with how well we budgeted our money but how and where and on what we spent that money. Maybe the way we spent our resources was a direct way of furthering social, economic, and environmental justice?

We started to become convicted that we didn't want to just be cogs in the commercial, materialistic, consumer driven machine. If our desire for cheap chocolate, or clothing, or food is going to put someone else into slavery or strip the earth of it's resources or line the pockets of already wealthy executives while taking away the living of hard working farmers and small business owners, then we don't want to be a part of it.

Whoever closes his ear to the cry of the poor will himself call out and not be answered. -Proverbs 21:13

The truth is that we are rich. We may gripe and complain and wish we had more. But we are fabulously, gloriously wealthy compared to 90% of the rest of the world. And the Bible tells us that the way we use our resources is a direct reflection of our faith.

This process is tense, uncomfortable, and inconvenient most of the time. We are mostly bumbling along asking lots of questions and doing nothing perfectly. The war between our flesh (which desires more stuff and comfort) and the Spirit (who calls us to give without thought to the cost) is fierce and sometimes, honestly, it's exhausting. It's also encouraging. I get a small thrill when I stand in the aisle of a grocery store and choose to advance justice by making the small choice to buy "organic" or "fair trade" chocolate.

That is the beginning of our journey. I hope to share with you in later posts about some of the specific issues we are learning about and how we are changing some things in our lives. I also want to share resources that we are finding, because for me one of the hardest parts of this process is finding good and helpful information so that I can make informed choices.

Is anyone else experiencing anything like this?

Snow break

It has been a strange week. We woke to 6-8 inches of snow on Monday morning. Snow in Georgia means that everything grinds to a halt. Schools are canceled for the rest of the week and most businesses are closed too. The stores that are open are devoid of the basic eggs, milk, and bread. So we have been comfortably ensconced here at home with no where to go and nothing to do.

I especially have been thankful because I spent Sunday feeling a horrible cold coming on. What a treat it has been to actually be able to rest in bed and work on getting better while Aaron is unexpectedly home! I spent most of Monday and Tuesday sleeping!

Aaron took the boys out in to the snow on Monday. They went on an expedition through the field in the back to the park a block down. Both boys came back cold and wet. Nathaniel had snow all down his pants! The excitement of the snow was over after that and they have had much more fun playing here with their papa. I feel really bad that we don't have any pictures of "the big snow" but my energy is lacking and now it is bitterly cold.

The snow still lies deep around the house. I love looking out of the window and seeing the white blanket. The peaceful scenery is opposite of my chaotic and whirling thoughts lately.