New perspective

There are two things about myself that I can admit. First, I can easily become a legalistic Christian. I constantly fight the tendency to turn faith into rule keeping and to be judgmental of myself and others when the rules aren't kept as well as I think they should be. Second, I care way too much about what other people think of me. I used to try and be all "zen" and say that I didn't care. But the truth is that I do. I constantly fight basing my self worth and the decisions I make off of what others will think.

You can imagine that these two character traits don't always make for good parenting moments.

One of the things I have to do is constantly evaluate my discipline and rule setting. I always have to ask myself the questions, "Am I disciplining this behavior because I am worried about what others will think? Am I being legalistic in my manner of discipline?"

Whether it is because they are boys, or just their personality my boys are pretty energetic. They can be really loud. They like to run and sing and make messes. Jeremiah's brain is always working and so he is always questioning and always has ideas, compromises, discussions. We try to give them the freedom to be themselves while at the same time setting boundaries for how to behave in public places.

One day someone saw me struggling a bit with Jeremiah. He was doing something fun that he didn't want to stop. He wasn't being disrespectful or disobedient but he was jumping around and talking really loudly as we gathered up his coat and shoes. I had to ask him more than once to come over to me and put on his things. This well meaning person looked at me and asked, "Can't you just get him to do what you want him to do?"

That one sentence, and the way I felt when it was uttered to me about my son, defines the way I feel about most Christian parenting books. It seems like most of the Christian parenting books I have read are telling me, "If you are a Christian parent, and disciplining in way xy or z, your children should end up being good and well behaved (read "quiet and controlled)." It seemed to me that most Christian parenting books were trying to get me to break my kids (strong)will and prove myself as the ultimate authority - starting from infancy (sleep habits) to adolescence (clothing). They seemed to be all about control.

I was never comfortable with this approach. It never seemed to feel right to me. Many methods of discipline that I tried from Christian parenting books set me up in horrible power struggles with Jeremiah which I felt were ultimately hurting our relationship. Not to mention the fact that I felt that since God had created Jeremiah He was the one who had gifted him with his intelligence, energy, and even his strong will. Who was I to try and crush that?

This is why the book Families Where Grace Is In Place by Jeff VanVonderen has been such a breath of fresh air. He talks about grace-filled families being a place where children are enjoyed for who they are, discipline is not punishment but teaching, and where being real is more important than how things look.

You can't imagine how freed I felt when I read this last night,

Then there is what is called a strong-willed child. Children are usually slapped with this label because they are stubborn about doing their jobs. [He had just been outlining what behavior is normal for certain developmental ages.] ...a strong-willed child is simply a four-year-old who has figured out what most kids don't figure out until they are in their teens. That is, "Mom and Dad, you can't control me as much as you thought you could." (Can we say, "Jeremiah"?)

Jesi is this type of person in our family. She wants to know "why?" She pushes, questions, tests, and pushes some more. In fact, Jesi wants to take control of things. Trying to control her most often ends in an ugly power struggle. Sometimes it's actually a good strategy to give her control, and less tiring as well. (Again, Jeremiah described.)

He then describes and incident in which instead of simply trying to control Jesi's behavior she is given choices in which she is in control of the outcome and consequences.

There are some who wish we would fix Jesi and make her be more compliant. Jesi isn't bad or in need of fixing, she's just tenacious. Our job is not to control her and turn her into a more pliable person. Our job is to create and environment in which Jesi can be the best, tenacious, strong-willed person Jesus ever had working for Him!

I wanted to jump up and sing "hallelujah!" I know it sounds silly, but to see this written down in a Christian parenting book has totally freed me. I feel judgment and legalism slipping from my shoulders. I feel like I have been given permission to continue parenting our children in the way that we have chosen. The way that we feel the Spirit is leading us.

Today in the grocery store Jeremiah was talking a mile a minute at the TOP OF HIS LUNGS and running enthusiastically down the aisle to find the next thing I needed on the list and asking to ride like an airplane on the bottom of the cart and insisting on an buying flowers for his grand mommy and crying when he was told he couldn't get chocolate. I was starting to get "the look" from some of the elderly patrons of the store. But I chose to ignore the looks. Because he was not being rude, or disrespectful, or disobedient. He was being a bright, tenacious, inquisitive, energetic four-year-old. I personally can't wait to see how God uses Jeremiah's intelligence and strong-will to glorify Him.