white couch...blue couch...

Back in the fall when we first went to IKEA to buy our couch we wanted the blue cover. But it was out of stock so we went with the white cover. I loved the white cover. I thought it looked crisp and modern and clean and light. But, no one wanted to sit on our white couch. Seriously. They would walk in, exclaim, "Wow! I love the white couch!" and then promptly sit on any other chair or surface in the room, leaving the couch completely empty. No amount of information from me regarding the durability or washability (is that even a word?) of the white cover could convince people to just sit on it and relax.

Funny story; the only person who enthusiastically said, "I love your new couch!" without commenting on the color was my friend who has 3 boys who are more wild and crazy than my boys are.

Anyway. Above all we want people to feel comfortable and relaxed in our home. So Aaron declared that the next time we were in Atlanta we would get the blue cover. It's a pretty color. I just don't like it as much as the white. But, people actually sit on the couch now. So, here I am, sacrificing my choice of couch color in order to serve other people. Aren't I holy?

how potty training revealed the heart

Yesterday I made a conscious decision to practice a parenting method of discipline that I had always said I would never, ever do. Funny how that happens.....

A few months ago we assumed Nathaniel was completely potty trained. For a whole week he used the toilet, on his own, with very few accidents. We high-fived each other and figured we had the 2 smartest, easiest to potty train kids in the whole world. That made us pretty good parents, because in the world of parenting your success is measured by your child's success. Ha ha!

They say pride goes before a fall. And Nathaniel must have decided that we were too prideful because he promptly decided to stop using the potty and do his business everywhere but the potty. Unless we begged, and reminded, and set timers, and prompted, he chose to either go in his pants or go all over the floor. No amount of m&m's or other candy bribe seemed to be enough incentive. He honestly and truly didn't care if his pants were wet. He seemed to think it was easier to go in his pants, dump the contents in the toilet, and then put on clean pants, then to just go in the toilet in the first place. Ugh!!

Now, let me be clear here. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit that is not very abundant in me. And potty training brings out the worst of my lack of patience. I huff and puff. I yell. I complain about the extra work for me. And after months of dealing with pee and poop I was losing what small vestiges of patience I still had.

In the past few days I noticed a pattern. I would ask Nathaniel if he needed to use the potty. He would tell me "no." I would ask him if he was listening to his body. He would tell me "yes." Then, less then 5 minutes later I would find him hiding somewhere and doing his business. So yesterday I made a clear and conscious decision. I told Nathaniel that if he peed or pooped in his pants after telling me he didn't need to go I would spank him. Yep. Everything I learned as a social worker about not spanking, especially for bodily functions, went out the window. Because I realized that Nathaniel was not trying his best and then having accidents, he was choosing to disobey. I knew that Nathaniel was capable of going in the potty, he was being passive aggressive in his disobedience.

Of course, he tested me. Less than an hour after our conversation and about 5 minutes after I had asked him to take a potty break and he had told me that he didn't need to I found him in his room taking off dirty pants and trying to dispose of the contents. I cleaned him up, talked to him about our earlier conversation, and then spanked him. It hurt. Him and me. I hated to do it. But I did, twice yesterday he received a spanking for going in his pants.

Last night before bed we talked about it again. We talked about outward obedience as a measure of the inward obedience of the heart. As I went to bed last night I prayed that I was not scarring my kid for life by my discipline methods of the day.

This morning when he woke up I went over it all again with Nathaniel. He knew the consequence for disobeying when it came to potty time. And lo and behold! In the midst of making Valentine cards Nathaniel ran to the potty, was gone a few minutes, then came running back shouting, "I WENT POOP IN THE POTTY! COME LOOK! I DID IT!" We did a silly, loud, happy dance and I told him I was so proud of him!

Funny, how potty training Nathaniel came to be about more than just where he went poop and pee. None of the tips or tricks that we heard or read about helped. For him, it was a heart issue of obedience and that had to be dealt with before the poop and pee could be dealt with. Today I am hopeful. He has, on his own initiative, stayed clean and dry all morning. This is a huge victory considering that for the past few weeks I have already changed his pants 3 times by this time.

This parenting thing is pretty complicated!

School Update

At some point in January we passed the 100 days of school mark. So I figured it was time for an update.

I feel like we are making good progress. Jeremiah finished his Social Studies lessons back in the fall and I assessed him out of Phonics since that involved learning to read and he is reading full chapter books right now (just finished The Tale of Despereux). I don't follow the suggested Language Arts lesson because we read and do a lot of discussion on our own. Science and History are Jeremiah's two favorite subjects. He especially loves History! So far we have covered the basics of the globe and continents and are now moving into the history of the founding of the United States. This is somewhat new territory for me too since I never lived in the US long enough to get a really good grasp of US history. For right now Jeremiah is practicing his handwriting by writing in his own "gratitude journal" every morning (see above picture). Math is going well too. We have moved ahead and are now to the point where he is really learning new things in Math. I don't remember doing 3 step, estimation story problems in kindergarten!

Before Christmas I had a conference with Jeremiah's teacher. She said that if I assessed him out of Language Arts then we could start him on 1st grade material for LA and Phonics. But we decided not to do that simply because what we are doing works for us this year and we didn't want to push ahead and put more pressure than was necessary on him or on me.

Because right now I feel like we have a good rhythm. We can do the bulk of the assigned school work in about 2 hours a day. This leaves us free time for other things like hanging out with friends, going to museums or plays, taking hikes, or reading & learning about a subject that is of interest to Jeremiah (dinosaurs and pirates have been favorite study material).

I am still not comfortable with everything being so computer based. One day last week my computer was not starting up and so I had no way to access our lessons for the day. That was a pain. And as far as the curriculum goes, there is nothing wrong with it, but I just don't find it terribly interesting. Especially since I have to keep reading the lessons off of the computer.

People always ask me, "But what about his socialization?" Honestly, I don't really understand the question. We constantly have people of all ages in and out of our house. He may not be spending 7 hours a day with 30 other 5&6 year olds but he is learning how to be patient and self-less with children who are younger than him as well as articulate and thoughtful (and fun!) with children older than him. We also make sure that he has opportunities to develop friendships with children who are closer to his age.

I never thought I would be a homeschooling mom. There are great days and there are days where I feel completely overwhelmed and wish I could send Jeremiah off to school. But for right now this is working for us. And I must say, there is a particular joy I feel in being a part of Jeremiah's learning process. It helps too that we don't have to get up at the crack of dawn to get dressed and out the door for school. :-)

a beautiful mess

Life is busy. Full of good things and hard things. The business of living is messy sometimes. But this kind of mess is the kind of mess that I like to see. I look beyond the mess in the pictures and see that our table was surrounded with 4 chattering boys, 3 moms, and 2 baby girls. I see food that was cooked with love, delivered to our door, and waiting in our freezer. I see the friendships that are growing. The encouragement I receive from women, with different backgrounds and stories, who are walking the same path that I am. I see the lessons my boys are learning about loving other people. I see laughter and shared lives.

I love having our table surrounded by people and the beautiful mess it creates.

Jealous love

Sometimes, in the midst of the crazy and busy and frustrating and just plain exhausting, hope shines through bright and brilliant and breathtaking.

The past few weeks I have been feeling great discouragement in the mothering of my children. Challenging behavior has left me breathless in it's intensity and lost in my inadequacy. I have struggled in prayer and consistency. I say over and over again, "Your behavior is a reflection of your heart, son." And the behavior leaves me hurt and sad because of the depth of selfishness and sin that it reveals. Which of course leads to self-condemnation because it is my job, after all, to be the picture of the gospel that my children can see. And if they aren't showing the fruit of the Spirit it must be because the fruit of the Spirit is not in me as well.

This morning I was singing the words,
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am tree, bending beneath the wind of His love and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware, of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affection is for me.
Praying and pleading to feel this truth as I changed wet underwear (for the 3rd time this morning), strapped on little shoes and zipped up puffy winter jackets.

Jeremiah stops me in mid stride.
"Mama, what does that mean? He is jealous for me."
I pause. There are things to do and places to be. I pull a knit cap over Nathaniel's ears.
"Well, what does the word jealous mean?" I ask back. I have learned that this son prefers to discover on his own.
"It's when you want something some one else has." The answer is quick. He knows this one, we have talked about it before.
"That's right. But, do you think that God wants our stuff?" I ask another question.
"No." The tone reflects that absurdity of the thought.
"So what do you think it means. That God is jealous for me?" I let the question linger. Snap down Nathaniel's coat.
I glance up at Jeremiah's face. He is grinning. His eyes lit up with wonder.
"It means that God wants ME! All of me!"
In that moment the beauty of truth in my child's heart blinds me. Because I see that this son, who prides himself on always having the right answer, is overjoyed by the truth of the knowledge and not simply by the correctness of the answer.

I pull him close. "Yes son, I whisper. He loves you so much that He wants all of you."

The self-condemnation of the past few weeks slips away because I feel this truth, He loves my son. I can trust the inner-workings of the heart of my son to the One who loves him jealously.

The evolution of a decision

One day we decided: No more of our money is going to be spent at Wal-mart.

The decision didn't come on in one blinding moment of insight. It evolved really.

When we first started getting serious about budgeting we tried to squeeze every dime out of our grocery budget. In order to stretch our precious dollars we shopped almost exclusively at big-box stores which promised to have the lowest prices. We bought into the mindset the cheaper was better. Because of course cheaper was better for us.

But then we started to notice things.

The arrival of a Wal-mart in our town caused the closure of the small mom-and-pop run stores on our quaint main street and square. Traffic and business was sucked from the center of town to the outskirts where new and ugly little strip malls were quickly built (and now stand mostly empty thanks the the "economic downturn"). When at Wal-mart I regularly got frustrated. They had few selection options and were usually out of at least one item on my list. The employees were generally not helpful. I started dreading going to Wal-mart. It was always a stressful experience.

Then we started to get educated about certain things.

I read The Story of Stuff. I learned about consumption and how our nation's drive to consume developed. I learned about how our corporate and individual consumption effects not only the environment but people too.

We watched The Future of Food, Food Inc., and Food Matters and learned about the change in agriculture in the past generation and how this is effecting not only our individual health but our global health. We learned about genetically modified foods and how the large food distributors are forcing small farmers out of business. We learned about pesticides and herbicides and the patenting of seeds. We learned about how we really and truly are what we eat. And the premise of the book In Defense of Food, "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." started to make sense to us.

I stumbled across information on chocolate. How a very large percentage of commercial chocolate comes from cocoa harvested by child slaves in West Africa. And no government seems to want to do anything about it.

We learned about jewels that come from conflict zones. People are dying so that the wealthy can wear shiny rocks on their fingers. How diamonds are actually not rare jewels but part of one of the most effective marketing schemes ever in which society bought into the fact that "a diamond is forever" and that a large diamond is a measure of love and a symbol of social status.

Finally, we watched Wal-mart: The High Cost of Low Price which opened our eyes to poor working conditions in other countries, low wages and lack of benefits to workers here in our country, the impact of Wal-mart (and consumption) on community, and the unethical business practices of Wal-mart executives in the name of capitalism.

Through all of this awakening to new information, God was working in our hearts. We began to read the verses about justice differently. We began to feel that God was not only concerned with how well we budgeted our money but how and where and on what we spent that money. Maybe the way we spent our resources was a direct way of furthering social, economic, and environmental justice?

We started to become convicted that we didn't want to just be cogs in the commercial, materialistic, consumer driven machine. If our desire for cheap chocolate, or clothing, or food is going to put someone else into slavery or strip the earth of it's resources or line the pockets of already wealthy executives while taking away the living of hard working farmers and small business owners, then we don't want to be a part of it.

Whoever closes his ear to the cry of the poor will himself call out and not be answered. -Proverbs 21:13

The truth is that we are rich. We may gripe and complain and wish we had more. But we are fabulously, gloriously wealthy compared to 90% of the rest of the world. And the Bible tells us that the way we use our resources is a direct reflection of our faith.

This process is tense, uncomfortable, and inconvenient most of the time. We are mostly bumbling along asking lots of questions and doing nothing perfectly. The war between our flesh (which desires more stuff and comfort) and the Spirit (who calls us to give without thought to the cost) is fierce and sometimes, honestly, it's exhausting. It's also encouraging. I get a small thrill when I stand in the aisle of a grocery store and choose to advance justice by making the small choice to buy "organic" or "fair trade" chocolate.

That is the beginning of our journey. I hope to share with you in later posts about some of the specific issues we are learning about and how we are changing some things in our lives. I also want to share resources that we are finding, because for me one of the hardest parts of this process is finding good and helpful information so that I can make informed choices.

Is anyone else experiencing anything like this?

Snow break

It has been a strange week. We woke to 6-8 inches of snow on Monday morning. Snow in Georgia means that everything grinds to a halt. Schools are canceled for the rest of the week and most businesses are closed too. The stores that are open are devoid of the basic eggs, milk, and bread. So we have been comfortably ensconced here at home with no where to go and nothing to do.

I especially have been thankful because I spent Sunday feeling a horrible cold coming on. What a treat it has been to actually be able to rest in bed and work on getting better while Aaron is unexpectedly home! I spent most of Monday and Tuesday sleeping!

Aaron took the boys out in to the snow on Monday. They went on an expedition through the field in the back to the park a block down. Both boys came back cold and wet. Nathaniel had snow all down his pants! The excitement of the snow was over after that and they have had much more fun playing here with their papa. I feel really bad that we don't have any pictures of "the big snow" but my energy is lacking and now it is bitterly cold.

The snow still lies deep around the house. I love looking out of the window and seeing the white blanket. The peaceful scenery is opposite of my chaotic and whirling thoughts lately.

It was a good Christmas

I feel like we celebrated Christmas all last week! We had chosen to spread out the small stocking-stuffer gifts over the course of the week, building anticipation and fun with the idea that the boys never knew when there could be something in their stocking. They loved waking up every morning and checking their stockings first thing. Nathaniel would sometimes check his stocking randomly several times a day saying, "I have to check and see if it is poofy!"

On Christmas Eve morning the boys woke up to a large treasure map. They had a blast hunting down their treasure. Which turned out to be 2 new Playmobil sets (pirates and knights & dragons) to add to their collection. We spent a quiet day at home playing and eating and just being together.

On Christmas morning we woke to snow! The first white Christmas in Georgia since 1969! We headed over to Steve & Brenda's a day earlier than planned. What a blast the boys had playing. It was the perfect kind of snow day, lots of big fluffy flakes, and not too cold so playing outside was fun. Uncle Caleb good-naturedly participated in a snowball fight and got pretty wet in the process. Uncle Chad participated in a much colder, much icier fight the next morning when he arrived.

We spent 2 days and nights at Steve & Brenda's, eating good food (way too much of it), reading books, playing video games, playing other games, and just enjoying each others company.

It was the year of Star Wars. The boys got more action figures to add to their collection (as Jeremiah calls it). But the greatest excitement of all was their new Lightsabers! They are simply thrilled and have played with them every spare minute since they got them on Monday morning. Jeremiah actually has some pretty convincing Jedi moves, not sure what I think about that.

It was fun to have a cousin toddling around this Christmas. This little girl loves shoes, chocolate, the color red, and foot rubs! And you can't tell from this picture but she also likes to give the boys kisses.

Yesterday we spent the day in Atlanta with Aaron's extended family. Today we are back home just relaxing and enjoying a whole week of free time that stretches before us since Aaron doesn't have to go back to work until next week Wednesday.

the year of imperfect decorations

Until our Christmas party last Sunday my heart wasn't really into decorating and stuff was just kind of put out randomly. But last weekend I decided to pull it all together with some magnolia leaves and call it done for the year. My decorating is just a hodge-podge of things that we have collected over the years that we love. I prefer a blue, white & metallic winter theme, but other colors and styles have made their way in. Perfectly imperfect for us.

The dining room with our bright colored Advent calendar from Holland and our Jesse tree.

The last minute, thrown together from bits and pieces, center piece.

The living room. The fabric on the wall is from Africa. I have had it for a few years but have never hung it because the edges are frayed and I never found time to finish sewing it into a finished wall hanging. This year I used thumb tacks and hung it on the wall for us to enjoy. I am glad I did.

The mantel with it's mismatched stockings.

Our basket of Christmas books. I add a few new ones every year.

My spot to curl up in the sun room. My beautiful IKEA finds from last year (50cents each!).

christmas through the years

2007 Jeremiah: almost 3 years, Nathaniel: 4 months

2008: Jeremiah: almost 4 years, Nathaniel: 1 year

2009: Jeremiah: almost 5 years, Nathaniel: 2 years

2010: Jeremiah: almost 6 years, Nathaniel: 3 years

My heart hurts a little bit when I look at these pictures. Four Christmases with 2 boys. There really are no words, the pictures tell it all.

More Randomness

One morning a few weeks ago Aaron woke at about 8:00 to a quiet house. Since the boys are normally early risers he went to check on them. Nathaniel was asleep in his bed but Jeremiah was out in the back yard, in the cold, in his pajamas. Aaron asked him what he was doing out there. Jeremiah replied, "I'm hunting breakfast."

We've been sick again this week. Both boys have really bad coughs and I just feel worn down and tired. It really is time to be intentional about slowing down. On Saturday we decided to do some shopping and run some errands as a family. Jeremiah started coughing really badly while we were out so Aaron bought some peppermints in an attempt to calm the coughing down. I have been talking lately to the boys about why we shouldn't eat a lot of sugar (depresses the immune system, turns into fat, takes our energy away). All of the sudden we hear Jeremiah from the back seat of the van, "Oh no! Papa! These have sugar in them! Now I am never going to feel better." A little dramatic perhaps but good to know that lesson is staying with him.

Tonight is the last night of the Jobs for Life class that I have been teaching. It has been a challenging and rewarding experience. I have been praying through how best to volunteer my time when this class is done. I was called a few weeks ago by the Director of the Sage Center (the crisis pregnancy center in our town) and asked if I would be interested in leading a weekly moms group. I would be encouraging moms and teaching basic child care. It sounds really interesting.

Last night, after our Jesse Tree reading, we sang Christmas carols and played Uno. It was so fun to just hang out with the 4 of us. Jeremiah won the game and lorded it over us with appropriate 5 year old glee.

We are hosting our small group Christmas Party this Sunday. But after that Aaron will be home for 2 weeks! I am hoping that we can slow down enough to enjoy each other and get some rest.

1000 Gifts (34) - Traditions

The Christmas Parade
- new friends to watch it with
- anticipation
- coming out of the cold and having real hot chocolate

The Jesus Birthday Party
- growing boys who love Mrs. Linda's house
- a dining room table loaded down with cookies

- reading the Christmas story, every year the truth being proclaimed and the reminder of the light shining in the darkness
- these people (and many more not pictured) that are part of our spiritual family, who laugh with us, encourage us, and share their lives with us
- holding baby girls

Decorating Our Christmas Tree
- a quiet evening all together after a busy week
- the boys excitement and exclamation over every single ornament
- light reflected in big blue eyes
- hot chocolate and popcorn
- watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"
- being warm, and snug, and cozy in our home

- encouragement from God's Word; the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining. 1 John 1:8

We are getting further on in to December and the blog-o-sphere is full of posts about crafting, decorating, cooking, simplifying, surviving, and slowing not to mention the always hot debate of how Christians should celebrate the holiday intentionally.

I must admit, so far, I am not feeling much of the Christmas spirit. I am not really even feeling much of the Advent spirit (which is how our little family usually titles this season). The Jesse tree is up. Our Christmas tree is up and lit but as yet unadorned. The stockings are hung but I have no idea how else to dress up the mantle. I feel completely uninspired. I don't even really want to listen to the Christmas music that I usually have to make myself wait until Thanksgiving to put on.

I can't quite put my finger on it. This vague unrest I have. This undefinable weight I feel pressing me continually.

The boys are, of course, completely enthralled. They watch excitedly from the back of the van for Christmas lights. They sit in front of the (undecorated) tree and play with the Nativity (Nathaniel calls it his "activity" set) and read the special Christmas books. Jeremiah sits and looks at the World Vision Christmas catalog for hours debating whether we should buy someone a sheep or some chickens, or maybe a duck?

And I think that may be the source of my heaviness. I have learned a lot this year about children who live in poverty, children who are taken into slavery so that we can eat chocolate,
orphans, Haiti, child sex trafficking, people who are suffering for believing in Jesus. This week while 3 friends on Facebook posted their joy at the birth of a new child, I knew of 3 friends who had lost their unborn children, all at different stages of pregnancy.

I am overwhelmed.

Every day the knowledge of the darkness in this world presses on me and I feel the pressure building. Every day I feel like I am stumbling about in the darkness of my own sin.

I am a do-er. I fix things. I want action. I plan.

But outside of Jesus these things cannot be fixed.

As I type this out, trying to process, I realize: that is the waiting work of Advent. Acknowledging the dark is what makes the Light shine brighter.

And that is where I am right now. Lingering on the depth of the darkness. Not quite sure how to see the Light. Not quite sure how to be part of furthering the Light and pushing back the darkness.

Prayers

I thought I should write down some of the boys recent prayers, before I forget them.

A few weeks ago we were participating in a week of prayer for the persecuted church. Nathaniel had two prayers that week that were interesting:
"Dear Jesus, thank you for the people who are being persecuted, that they love you."
"Dear Jesus, thank you that you have given us more than we need...so....umm....you can stop now."

Today I got a phone call from a friend. Her car had broken down and she was stranded with her son (who is the little boy we keep 1 to 2 days a week). Jeremiah has taken on a responsible, big-brother type role with Jude. We picked them up and brought them home. Tonight during our regular thankful and prayer time Jeremiah told me that he was thankful that we got to see Jude today, even if it was only for a few minutes. He then prayed, "Dear Jesus, please please please help Jude's car to be fixed without too much trouble. Please!"

And of course, lest it get too spiritual around here, it should be mentioned that Nathaniel thanks God for his new bunk beds every night.

Thanksgiving Pictures

Ben & Jeremiah enjoying the sunshine on our deck Thanksgiving afternoon.
It was a beautiful day!

Hard at work carving turkey and making dressing!

These two were not hard at work. Smile.

Sitting down for our Thanksgiving meal. It was delicious!

The evening of Thanksgiving was perfect for a fire in the firepit, marshmallows, songs and conversation.

Soccer in the yard on Saturday afternoon.

Team 1: Uncle, Nathaniel & a blue flamingo

Team 2: Uncle Ben & Jeremiah

Our living room: Cozy and filled with some of the people I love the most.

Aunts reading favorite stories.

1000 Gifts - Thanksgiving

It has been a cold, gray, rainy day here. I have finally started to get out the Christmas decorations and slowly start putting them out. My computer was down for the day so I spent the day just puttering and enjoying the transition from Thanksgiving to Advent. The computer glitch means that I don't yet have pictures to post. But the gifts over this past weekend were too numerous to count. My heart was overflowing.

- the car pulling up into the drive and my brothers and sisters pouring out, arms wide in welcome
- sitting on the back deck on a sunny, warm Thanksgiving morning, savoring coffee and conversation and the knowledge that we are going to share a whole weekend together
- Jeremiah's face lighting up in the attention of his uncles
- a table overflowing with good food
- Nathaniel's charming antics
- hugs
- laughter
- serving by feeding
- setting 8 places at the table
- conversation with sisters
- coming out of the kitchen and seeing my living room full with some of the people I love the most
- breakfast all together
- the boys and men all playing soccer in the evening sunlight
- both bathrooms being used
- exhaustion

They're coming!

I am hoping that right now (9:30pm Eastern Standard Time) my brothers and their wives are in a car driving swiftly through the night to get here! It has been a busy few days of cooking and cleaning in preparation. Tonight the house is clean. Yummy food is stocked up. We have Panera bagels and fresh fruit for breakfast when they arrive in the morning.
I am ready for hugs and laughter and games and conversation.
I am ready to enjoy.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Hospitality

We finally have a real bed in our guestroom! It was a terrific find on Craigslist and I have spent the past few days puttering around in the guestroom cleaning and organizing. It really is a joy to make a room inviting and comfortable for all the loved ones we hope will come and stay.

One of the reasons we love this house is because it is so easy to have people over. The floor plan, the extra bathroom, the open space, the fenced in back yard, all these things just make it easy to invite people into our home. Even before we were married we both agreed that we wanted our home to be a place that we used to glorify God. Having people in our home means that they usually see the "real" us. There is usually a basket of unfolded laundry somewhere. The kitchen sink always has dirty dishes. Toys make their way throughout the house. The floor is dirty. Sometimes we run out of food and have to improvise at the last minute. Our kids don't always behave. Aaron and I can get snippy with each other.

But we make a real effort at opening our home because we value community. We believe that in sharing life with others we build each other up.

Recently I was re-reading The Hospitality Commands by Alexander Strauch. This quote really stood out to me:

I don't think most Christians today understand how essential hospitality is to fanning the flames of love and strengthening the Christian family. Hospitality fleshes out love in a uniquely personal and sacrificial way. Through the ministry of hospitality, we share our most prized possessions. We share our family, home, finances, food, privacy, and time. Indeed, we share our very lives. So, hospitality is always costly. Through the ministry of hospitality, we provide friendship, acceptance, fellowship, refreshment, comfort and love in one of the richest and deepest ways possible for humans to understand. Unless we open the doors of our homes to one another, the reality of the local church as a close-knit family of loving brothers and sisters is only a theory. (p.17)

Sometimes I get jealous of the church in Acts. The Bible paints such a picture of community and growth and caring! "And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts," (Acts 2:46) Sometimes in our Sunday night small group we ask, "Would we meet every day to worship together? How amazing would that be? How would it change our lives? How would it change the world?"

I'm not sure how to wrap this up. It is starting to sound preachy and holier-than-thou, which is not what I intended. It is not always easy to exercise hospitality. But I think it is always worth it.

Next week my 2 brothers and their wives will be here. I am so excited that they will be here in our home and that we will be sharing life together for a few days. I pray that our home will be full of laughter, play, fellowship and prayer not to mention good food!

1000 Gifts (33)

My heart is very full today. Our church service yesterday, starting off a week of prayer for the persecuted Church, convicted me. I find myself today in the midst of doing mundane tasks with a pain in my heart. I feel unsettled. I feel stretched and uncomfortable. Because dwelling too long on my worldliness as opposed to the suffering of others for the gospel is just uncomfortable. Which of course, it should be.

Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body. - Hebrews 13:3

I don't know yet exactly how this will change my actions. But I know that my heart is changing. It is scary sometimes. It is scary because deep down inside this changing of my heart means that my life also needs to change. That there are things that I need to let go of and things that I need to be willing to accept if I truly want to be part of advancing the Kingdom.

So my gifts today are written with a trembling hand, because as deeply as I desire comfort I am learning that I want to love God more......
- conviction that lingers and feels of the Spirit and not simply of guilt
- church leadership that is transparent and challenging
- singing in worship, The earth will be filled with glory like water over the sea and knowing deep down that it is true
- tears
- feeling the reality of Heaven and the life to come
- friends who are walking this journey of learning to live more deeply in the Spirit with us

34 - reflections

A few weeks ago a younger lady (I want to say "girl" but am restraining myself since she was a college student) asked me during Jobs for Life, "So what are your vocational goals?" It stopped me short. I hemmed and hawed. I had absolutely no answer.

In the past 5 years it has never occurred to me to have a goal for my life other than being a wife and a mother. Because for me, being a wife and a mother in this season took all the energy I had. The past 5 years of my life have been a season of complete giving of myself. Being pregnant. Nursing babies. Losing sleep. Constant supervision. Lugging diaper bags. Spending days just trying to keep us all fed and clothed and our environment relatively clean. Oh, yeah, and trying to be a good wife too.

I'm OK with that. I don't feel like I "gave up" anything, or lost myself. On the contrary, I gained so much! And in that strange Biblical way of opposites I found so much of myself in the losing of the self that I was.

I have noticed though, that the past few weeks have brought with them a certain restlessness. As the boys gain independence and I find more time that is my own I find myself starting to think forward a bit more. I am starting to regain the sense of who I am and my own dreams apart from my children.

I don't know what God has in store. I have burdens and dreams in my heart, but I know that God is in control and will mark out the path.

Today is my 34th birthday. I woke up to Nathaniel's gentle fingers on my face. A full pot of hot coffee was waiting in the kitchen along with a note from Aaron. I have spent the morning cleaning and home schooling. I am anticipating eating dinner out tonight. I told Aaron that I want to go clothes shopping, without children (!), and maybe find some clothes to get me out of the "stay-at-home-mom" cliche. I am anticipating a gathering of friends in my home on Sunday afternoon to celebrate a new life about to enter the world. I am starting to make preparations for a house full of family for Thanksgiving.

I realize as I sit here that I am content.

I am learning that there are seasons of life and I don't have to do everything all at once. I am learning the truth of the statement:

Loving where you are is a way to love who He is. -Ann Voskamp

When it all boils down to it, all I want is to love Him more. And I think, that even though I have a long way to go, this past year has brought deeper love and more contentment. I am thankful.

1000 Gifts (32)

- brilliant fall leaves
- crisp skies
- new sleeping bags
- communal meals
- making new friends
- watching Nathaniel charm college girls into taking him into the woods to look for sticks
- Jeremiah's independence
- thoughtful conversations
- laughter, lots of it!
- daily worship, what a gift!
- transparency
- praying for a friend
- crying with a friend
- knowing that God is among us as we seek to live and love and serve in this community
- living together for a weekend, a small taste of heaven, come quickly Lord Jesus!

Heading to "camp"

Jeremiah and Nathaniel are so excited they can hardly contain themselves. This evening we leave for our church's weekend retreat, which Jeremiah and Nathaniel call "camp." The fun of the ages that we are entering in now is that the boys can remember things. Especially Jeremiah who has a mind like a steel trap. He remembers the cabin we slept in last year, and the 6 other people who were in that cabin, and all the equipment on the play ground, and how we ate all our meals with everyone in the dining hall (which he calls a restaurant), and how we hiked back and forth up the side of the hill from our cabin to the main lodge every day. He even remembers exactly what the bathrooms in the cabins look like for goodness sake.

I can't help but smile at Jeremiah's excitement. Because I still have memories of spiritual retreat in Nigeria. I vaguely recollect the cabins we stayed in. I clearly remember the gross oatmeal we had every morning. I remember the dusty paths and the trees. I remember the old green swing that hung from the branches of one of those trees. I remember the little stone wall that we would balance and play games on. I remember the joy and safety of being surrounded by people that I knew and loved.

I was looking forward to the retreat, but honestly, as exhaustion and sick linger the preparations are daunting and the idea of trying to sleep on an uncomfortable bunk bed in a room full of people exhausts me even more. Yet, as I see "camp" through the eyes of my children it takes on a whole new significance and excitement. How wonderful to have this opportunity to give my kids the same memories of excitement, fun, and community that I have.

Lessons learned from a quiet week

I usually like to be on the go. Staying at home all day with the kids sometimes felt claustrophobic to me and so I filled our days with outings, play dates, library trips, grocery shopping, and more play dates so that I didn't feel isolated and alone.
Last week I felt feverish and just completely exhausted. I canceled everything on our calendar for the week and we spent the days in our most comfortable clothes. We snuggled on the couch together (now that it is big enough to fit all of us!) and watched tv. We read lots of books. We played games. The boys spent hours together playing make believe and coloring pictures.
This week Jeremiah has had a fever and we are halfway through week 2 of staying quietly here at home. I thought by now that I would be going crazy. Yet, when I woke this morning I realized that I welcomed another day to stay at home. I am so surprised! But I have seen some definite benefits for us in this quieter, stay-at-home-more lifestyle.

The boys relationship
The boys have hit a stage in which they are really learning to play together and be friends. They literally happily entertained themselves for hours last week. I heard a lot less arguing and screaming and much more cooperation and laughter. Some of the conversations I overheard had me laughing! I am seeing new maturity in Jeremiah in his willingness to let go of his "everything has to be my way, and perfect" mentality. It is clear that being here at home has meant that they have had to learn to get along and be play mates.

Discipline/Obedience
Being at home meant that I had time to work on instruction and discipline routines that we were letting go of in our busyness. It was easier for me to be calm and consistent when I didn't feel the pressure to get us out the door and on to the next activity.

Keeping up with housework = less stress
The weekend before I got sick we had a marathon cleaning/organizing session. Even though I had pretty much no energy the week that I was sick it was easier to keep the house in some semblance of order. I am by no means a perfectionist when it comes to cleaning but having a dirty and disorganized house can stress me out. Being on the go a lot meant that cleaning and organizing just didn't happen.

School work
I admit that we were fitting in bits of school work here and there amongst our other activities. We didn't really have a routine and some days we would just breeze through the work in order to check it off and move on to "fun stuff." Yikes! That is not fostering a love of learning, which was the original reason we decided to home school. I have some serious thinking to do about the structure of our schooling days.

Rest
God created rest for a reason. Activities and outings and play dates are fun but we need rest to keep our bodies and relationships healthy.

I am realizing that I need to be more intentional about our schedule. As much as I love being on the go and having a constant stream of people in and out of the house I am seeing that we may be entering a season in life in which we just need to make it a priority to slow down for the good of our family.

Harvest Party 2010

A few months ago Jeremiah came to me and announced that he wanted to be a paper bag for the harvest party. Why? Because then no one would know who he was of course! However, a friend of his had a whole room of costumes and let the boys each borrow one. Since the boys are currently obsessed with all things Star Wars Jeremiah chose to be Darth Vader and Nathaniel chose to be a clone trooper. Jeremiah's main concern was that no one could guess who he was. One well meaning friend of ours identified him which sent Jeremiah into tears. Yet, I was so proud of him when a bigger, rougher kid broke his light saber (which was his most prized possession at that point). He was calm and self-controlled although obviously sad and disappointed.

We had another fun evening out at Linda's place. The boys have been there enough now that they know the boundaries of the 3 acre play area and run off to explore the minute we get out of the van. I got a little bit nervous when the sun set and they were still running around in the pitch dark, but Aaron reminded me that we are trying to give our kids room to range and encourage independence. So, I took a deep breath, and tried to relax while they continued to have a blast in the dark.

There were the traditions of the chili cook-off and roasting hot dogs over the bonfire. The kids listened to Linda tell a story. And of course, the hay ride. Which was actually a tad bitter sweet for me this year. Jeremiah asserted his growing independence and insisted on sitting in the front with his friends, as far away from me as possible. Nathaniel wanted to sit next to Ruth and Eli and had no interest in snuggling up with me. Aaron was riding in the front vehicle helping out. So I sat in the back, leading songs, laughing with some of the little girls who were clustered around me, watching my boys with their friends, and wondering at how fast time flies.