A dogwood tree

We are busy this week working at our old house, cleaning and painting and generally trying to get it ready to be rented. (We never intended to become landlords, but that is a whole other story in which we are just walking forward in faith, trusting God's plan rather than our own.) I haven't been in the house since we moved out 2 years ago. So, lots of memories are bubbling up in my mind as we spend time over there. We purchased the house about 18 months after we were married. I still remember the day we got the keys, let ourselves in, kissed each other in the middle of the living room, and prayed that God would bless us as we served Him in that home. We led youth group in that home. We dreamed of children. It was to that home that we brought both Jeremiah and Nathaniel home from the hospital. I still remember the way the sun comes through the windows in the living area and warms the wood floors.
One of the things that I have always missed about that house are the 3 gorgeous dogwood trees that lined the driveway and were right outside the living/dining room windows. I loved being able to look out of my windows and see them change with the seasons. They also brought back memories of my childhood. My brothers, cousins and I used to play for hours in 1 specific dogwood tree in my cousins yard. It was perfect for climbing and pretending and story telling. It seems this dogwood is too!

Goals for the week

I'm writing down my goals for this week for 2 reasons. One, I can't really think of anything else to write. Two, I figured maybe writing them down here will give some measure of accountability so that I will actually follow through.

Goal 1: Wake up and get going (before the boys)
For a while I was really on track with this. But, my surgery and having company in the house has thrown my schedule off track. I realized the other day that our days really do go better when I am disciplined to get up and start my day before the boys wake up. I jumped at the Maximize Your Morning Challenge being run by Inspired to Action. So, I am setting my alarm for 6am every morning and making myself get out of bed. The boys wake anytime between 7 and 8, so this way I get at least one and possibly two hours to myself before the regular routine of the day begins.

Goal 2: Read my Bible and pray every day
Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is the bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. -John 15:4,5
I don't even pretend to know all it means to "abide in Christ" but I am learning more and more every day about admitting that I am powerless over my own sin. I am learning that the only way I can show fruit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness & self-control) is to focus on Him rather then on myself. One way to do that is to find out who He is through what He has revealed in the Bible. And to spend more focused time in prayer, conversation with Him.

Goal 3: No sweets on weekdays
I have struggled with discipline in my eating habits for a long time. I recently heard about a "diet" that was more of a life-style change. No sweets, seconds or snacks unless it is a day that starts with S (or a special day). Sweets are my downfall. So I am trying to incorporate discipline in that area.

Goal 4: Exercise of some kind, 10 minutes per day
I still am not cleared after surgery to start working out fully yet. But, I want to get in the habit of exercising every day. I need to ease in to this because I honestly hate working out and have to force myself to do it. So, 10 minutes per day should be doable. Even if it is just a walk around the block.

So, those are my goals for this week. My attempts to build some discipline back into my life. What are some of your goals?

Finished Kindergarten Year!

No last day of school is complete without Princess Leia and Boba Fett.

We finished school this past week!

Actually, we have been slowing down since March (when we finished Math and History), doing mainly handwriting and reading every day and some Science 2x a week. When spring arrived we just wanted to be outside! Also, having Oma and Opa visiting, along with my surgery just threw us all off whack and we never really recovered. So, I was thankful that the bulk of our work was done so early.

On Thursday we finished our last Science lesson and then packed up our books to send back to k12. (Because our curriculum was free through the state of Georgia we had to send back the items that can be used again.) It was fulfilling to wrap up our first official year of schooling at home. We had a sense of accomplishment and the good feeling of a job well done.

Jeremiah enjoyed this year and made good progress. He really enjoyed the lessons and was always enthusiastic for school time. Reading, Language Arts and History are his favorite subjects and they also come very naturally to him. He does enjoy Math as well and I am happy with the good start we have on the basic, foundational concepts. The area where I have seen the greatest improvement is in his handwriting! It is amazing what progress came after just 10 short minutes of practice per day. In my Mother's Day card this year he had written in such straight, neat lines with very well formed letters. We are still working on proper capitalization and punctuation, but one thing at a time right?

I saw this year as an experimental year for us. I learned a lot about being a teacher. I learned that schedule and structure are important but that being able to be flexible is key. I learned that it is more important to nurture a love of learning than to stress about "getting everything right." I learned that Nathaniel is capable of, and interested in, being much more involved in our History and Science lessons than I initially thought he would be. I learned that I actually enjoy being part of Jeremiah's learning process. I learned that no matter how hard I try. creative activities and crafty things are just not my strong suit. Smile.

We enjoyed using k12 and having the support of the Georgia Cyber Academy. It was a great program to get us on track for the first year. But there were many aspects of it that just weren't a good fit for our family. We have decided to use Sonlight curriculum next year and are really excited about that. In fact, next year's curriculum is already on it's way!

1000 Gifts - Mother's Day

- my mother: who spent 5 weeks helping because I needed her, which is what a mother does because she always loves her kids, even when they are grown
- Aaron's mother: who loves practically, humbly, sacrificially, and prayerfully
- my boys: who make every day of being a mother a fun, stretching, learning, growing, tiring, self-sacrificing, loving-to-overflowing day

Join the gratitude community over at A Holy Experience.

A quiet house

Breakfast was quiet this morning. Just me, sitting at the table with Nathaniel and Jeremiah, wondering what we were going to do today. Nathaniel's first question every morning is, "What day is it?" followed quickly by, "What are we going to do this day?"

Our five weeks with Oma and Opa here passed in a blur of activities and fun. What a treat to have them here for such a long visit!

Today we are working on getting back in our normal routine. Whatever that is...

So much gratitude

We have so much to be thankful for! As pictures and news of the destruction from the tornado's came in on Thursday morning I was in awe that our little town was safe and unharmed while areas to the east, west, and north of us suffered so much destruction. We are also so thankful that none of our friends or family were harmed. We had friends and family in all of the areas that were effected!

We are busy as it is our last week with Oma and Opa here. So, I will simply post these pictures of Nathaniel and Jeremiah greeting each other when Jeremiah returned from his 4 day trip to Florida last week. They truly did miss each other.

Nathaniel

Nathaniel's enthusiasm and zest for life oozes out of his every pore. From his over-the-top facial expressions to his spontaneous hugs to the way he runs with every muscle of his body engaged to his vivid imagination, this boy is fully engaged 100% of the time!

I am getting to spend a lot of one-on-one time with Nathaniel this week. Jeremiah is on a trip to Florida with Oma and Opa so Nathaniel has the new experience of being an only child for a few days. We are having fun! It is special for me to be able to focus my attention on him - playing the games and reading the books that he wants without having to mediate between the 2 boys. And can this boy talk! He has been chattering my ear off non-stop since Monday morning!

1000 Gifts - Easter 2011

- my 2 handsome boys, growing up so fast
- watching my husband enjoy the day
- sharing our Easter traditions with mom & dad
- the body of Christ, our family
- laughter
- sitting in the shade, chatting with friends
- Nathaniel's enthusiasm and love of life
- Jeremiah's growing maturity
- Nathaniel and Elias playing well together
- knowing that one day I will stand in a sinless body before the throne of God and be free to worship Him with no barriers

Here is love...

Thinking of this hymn on this Good Friday;

Here is love, vast as the ocean,
Lovingkindness as the flood,
When the Prince of Life, our Ransom,
Shed for us His precious blood.
Who His love will not remember?
Who can cease to sing His praise?
He can never be forgotten,
Throughout Heav’n’s eternal days.

On the mount of crucifixion,
Fountains opened deep and wide;
Through the floodgates of God’s mercy
Flowed a vast and gracious tide.
Grace and love, like mighty rivers,
Poured incessant from above,
And Heav’n’s peace and perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world in love.

-words by William Reese, music by Robert Lowery (1876)

My boys

When I see pictures like this I can't help but feel that I have the handsomest boys in the world! :-)

5 minute Friday - On Distance

Distance has always been a constant factor in my life. From the time I was 9 months old and flew to West Africa with my parents the constant, nagging ache of distance has been part of who I am. There is always someone to miss. Always something to miss. Always the vague sense that I don't exactly fit right where I am.

Now I am grown. Wife. Mother. Attempting to put down roots in this small southern town. And sometimes the distance is not physical but emotional, and spiritual. My sons finger pictures of me playing on dusty African soil, pictures of me next to ancient leaning Dutch buildings and I know that there is no way for me to truly communicate to them what this part of me is. They are so American. Speaking the language of convenience and fast-food and abundance.

So, I try to bridge the distance. I tell stories about a little girl and her monkey. I paint word pictures of thunderstorms crackling across the African plain. I explain why wasted running water and lights left on bug me so. I stock their room with books of children from all parts of the world. I curl up and read them "De koe die in het water viel" in Dutch, even though I know they can't understand the words because I hope they can understand my heart.

Playing along with The Gypsy Mama. Only 5 minutes to write, no editing. For some reason I can't get the button to work so click here, to link back.

A full week

It has been quite a week here at our house. Spring has sprung spectacularly here in Georgia and we are spending almost every waking minute outside. The bulb flowers have faded but the azaleas in our yard are ablaze with color. The dogwood trees are dressing themselves in lace. The birds twitter and chirp and dart around the yard.

I had surgery last Tuesday. Nothing is wrong with me. It was elective, but rather extensive, and so I am learning the art of resting. It's actually quite a challenge to just sit and be still while others carry out the day-to-day responsibilities of feeding, clothing, entertaining, disciplining, cleaning. I have been completely overwhelmed by the care and support our family has received. Not only are my parents here, with mom basically running the household for a few weeks, but we have received meals and phone calls and cards. Thankfully, my recovery is going better than I had anticipated, and I am hoping to be back to all my regular duties soon.

In the meantime the boys are enjoying spending days with Opa and Oma. They have been planting flowers in the yard, going on hikes, playing at the playground, practicing baseball and soccer, playing with Opa's iPad, taking walks and generally reveling in getting to spend so much time together.

1000 gifts - friends, an answer to prayer

A few years ago, in the midst of loneliness and isolation as a new stay-at-home mom, I wrote a prayer in my journal. I begged God to send me a girlfriend. I wanted someone to laugh and cry with, someone to talk to, someone to share the struggles of being a wife and a mother with, someone to pray with and just be real with.

These past few weeks I have felt absolutely astounded by the love and support and care that I have received from not just one girlfriend, but many. God has answered my prayer beyond all my expectations! As I think about the life we are living here and the roots we are putting down I think of all the women that God has brought into my life. So many women that I view as sisters. Each one of them showing me God's love in a different way. Each one of them encouraging me to seek God first in my daily tasks and responsibilities. Each one of them speaking truth to me when I need to hear it. Each one of them providing me with opportunities to laugh, or cry. Each one of them being willing to pray for me when I call.

I am grateful and counting today the women who surround me as sisters.

The visit begins

The boys were super excited to pick up Oma and Opa at the airport this past Thursday! We are enjoying having them here. Nathaniel entices Opa into sword fights in the back yard. Jeremiah is teaching them everything they ever wanted to know about Star Wars. The weather is warming and spring in Georgia is in all it's full blooming, colorful glory. We are looking forward to days spent outside. Sharing meals. Making memories.

Naming the ugly

My parents arrive on Thursday! Oma and Opa will be staying here at our house for the whole month of April! Super excited doesn't even do justice to what we feel! A lot of things have been happening around here very quickly and I have been busy the past few days trying to get things ready for them as well as a few other things.

On Sunday a dear, close friend offered to come over one day this week and help me clean the house. You want to know my first, knee-jerk reaction to such a generous offer? "Oh no! I can't let her do that! There is no way I can let her see how dirty my bathrooms are right now!" Seriously. This is a close friend who knows my stuff. She knows of my struggles and my sin. I know of her struggles and her sin.Yet, there was part of me (the recovering Pharisee part) that didn't want her to see how messy my house can get. That part of me wanted to maintain the illusion of outward order and perfection.

The truth is however, that in order for the house to be clean and orderly when my parents arrive I will need some help. I will need to acknowledge that it is dirty and disorganized and we have been busy and there is much to be done.

I do this in my spiritual life too. Here is a journal entry from a few months ago:

Jesus answered them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick, I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." -Luke 5:31,32

For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings. -Hosea 6:6

As I see more and more of the ugliness of the patterns of sin in my life I am often driven to despair. Because, at heart I am a rule follower, a Pharisee. I am practiced at maintaining the outward trappings of religion and quick to judge those who are not.
So, the inability to "fix" my own sin patterns of anger and complacency and laziness and selfishness astounds me. And the depth of hurt that these "socially acceptable" sins can cause is ugly.
Jesus words stop me cold. Someone who is a "sinner" knows they are a sinner. They can name the sin, whatever it may be. They know that they cannot be "fixed." There is no justification of rationalization. It is like an alcoholic going to an AA meeting and stating, "Hi, my name is ---, and I am an alcoholic." It's a fact. It's clear. It's owned. It's public. And for an alcoholic to begin to heal, that step - naming the condition- is the essential first part of the process.
Would healing and deep repentance come if I was able to dig beneath the trappings of my "good Christianity" and name my sin?
Hi, my name is Sarah, I am: completely selfish, abusive in my anger, lazy, complacent, disrespectful toward my husband.
Maybe the steadfast love that God requires instead of sacrifice can only come when I name and own the ugliness of my sin. Only something that is ugly and diseased can be healed. When I name the ugly and see it made clean and whole through Jesus blood, then steadfast love will flow, out of deepest gratitude.

I think it is obvious that this is a huge area of struggle for me. But I am slowly learning to name the ugly so that it can be healed.

I accepted my friends offer to come and help me clean. Then, this morning as I was standing in my bathroom I thought, "These floors are really nasty! I really should at least vacuum them so they don't look so bad when she comes to help tomorrow." Sigh. When will I ever learn?

1000 Gifts

I felt so overwhelming blessed last week. It was a week in which God answered specific prayers in specific ways, worked out details that I had never even considered, gave me strength when I was weary, and showed me the beautiful community of people that surround me.
- spring flowers (again! they are gifts every day!)
- birds returning
- being able to ask for help
- Womens bibles study - encouragement, accountability, learning to be disciples together
- a yard full of boys playing
- softly falling rain
- the color combination of bright green new leaves and bright purple red-bud blossoms, takes my breath away every spring
- morning son glittering on dew drops, perfectly and precisely ringing the edge of each new Hosta leaf
- Jeremiah making Nathaniel laugh
- holding baby girls
- crisp clean sheets on the guest room bed

I choose to find joy and count gifts. They number 694 in my journal, I share some of them here.

Five Minute Friday

I thought I would join 5 Minute Friday at Gypsy Mama just for fun. Five minutes in the midst of busy life, just to write.

Prompt: Waking Up...

Waking up is always difficult for me. I am a night owl by nature, but children who are early risers have changed that. Now my early morning alone time is cherished. I wake in the dark. I find my spot on the worn couch in the sunroom. I sit quietly watching the world outside my window wake. The sky pearls. The birds begin to chirp and flutter. The tulips in the bulb garden are closed up tight against the night time chill. As day breaks I beg for wisdom, and love, and patience, and joy for this day. The Word is on my lap. Feeding me with what I know I will need for this day.

1000 Gifts - spring is officially here!

- the first of spring's flowers, brought to me in grubby hands and offered with such love and enthusiasm
- beauty amid the messy-ness of every day life (notice the dirty dishes)


- days spent outside
- brothers becoming friends
- birds returning
- open windows
- bare feet
- the work of sorting through summer clothes as a reminder of having more than we need
- this song and the truth it reminds me of during this Lent:
Who O Lord could save themselves, their own soul could heal?
Our shame was deeper than the sea, your love is deeper still.

Chorus: You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave.
You came down to find us, led us out of death.
To you alone belongs the highest praise

You O Lord have made a way, the great divide you healed.
For when our hearts were far away, your love went further still.
Yes, your love goes further still!

We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes, you're the giver of life!
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes, you're the giver of life!
-Matt Redman

An encouraging day

It is a rainy, cool day. I wake before the boys and armed with my coffee, Bible and journal I settle in my comfy spot in the sun room. As I read and pray and write the boys slowly wake and join me. Nathaniel is typically the early riser and will snuggle with me while I finish my reading. Jeremiah will join us later full of enthusiasm and ready to start the day.

We breakfast slowly. There is no need to rush. We read a Psalm and discuss the plan for the day. Mostly schoolwork since we have been pretty busy the past 2 days with other activities and we need to catch up. The sky outside the window is pearly gray, the rain is drifting down like fog, and I am thankful that we don't have to leave the house.

The boys play together while I clean up and prepare for school. I hear their laughter from their room. They are planning a Star Wars battle. Occasionally Jeremiah's voice will raise bossy and loud. Nathaniel talks back softly but firm. He is beyond the age to be pushed around. I hear them compromise and peace is restored.

Jeremiah completes his math lesson mostly on his own while I snuggle on the couch and read to Nathaniel. Then we spend time together learning about the shapes of land on the Earth's surface (Science) and slaves following "the drinking gourd" to freedom on the Underground Railroad (History). Jeremiah again works on his own, practicing his handwriting while Nathaniel amuses himself with some toys.

It's time for a break and a snack and since playing outside is not an option they talk together and come to an agreement on a movie to watch.

Lunch is simple but filling. Homemade bread, peanut butter & jelly, some fruit, a full glass of raw milk that came straight out of a cow on Saturday morning. We chat. The boys make silly talk.

My plan was to immediately do reading and naps after lunch. But as I finish cleaning up the kitchen I again hear the sounds of fun and contented play coming from the boys room. They are making plans together. Laughing. Sharing toys. Talking. They are building some kind of trap to let down from the middle bunk bed. I let them play. And I realize that this is a great gift of schooling at home. That these boys are learning to be friends. Instead of being away from us for 7 hours a day, Jeremiah is here, building relationships with us. He is learning to listen to his 3 year old brother instead of just boss him around. He is learning to compromise and work as a team and encourage and be a good example.

Not every day of schooling at home is a peaceful and picturesque as this one. But days like these, where we learn and play and grow and I witness friendship forming, encourage me to continue.

Observing Lent

It has only been in the past few years that I have leaned into the practice of observing Lent. A few years ago, as I began to read more blogs and as our Pastor was encouraging us to read through the New Testament during Lent, I began to see the value of taking time to reflect on the depth of sin and sacrifice before Easter came.
I don't "fast" from anything during Lent. Instead I try to make my devotional time focused on awareness/confession/repentance of my sin. I also try and focus on the "Passion" of Christ in an intentional way. All of this helps me to realize in a new way the deep need I have of a Savior and the great sacrifice that my Savior made.

Here are some of the resources I am using this year:
Reliving the Passion by Walter Wangerin - This book has a short daily scripture reading, devotional, and prayer for the 40 days of Lent. Wangerin's writing is always descriptive, inspiring, thought provoking, and worshipful.

Ann Voskamp blogging at A Holy Experience - God uses Ann's words daily in my life. Her initial post Why Do Lent? Why A Failing Lent Actually Succeeds is powerful and profound and also has a great list of resources to use for observing Lent.

Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals - This is both a book and a website. It is not geared specifically to Lent. But the practice of building specific prayer times into my day has been something I have wanted to do for a long time and I figured that Lent would be as good a time as any to start.

Reading through the Gospels - For the past few weeks we have been reading through the Gospels in our woman's Bible study. Taking time to study and reflect on the life of Christ and what it means for me has been thought provoking and challenging.

Do you observe Lent? How?

1000 Gifts - the Star Wars/Lego edition

It was a great day. An epic birthday perfect for a 6 year old with a house full of boys to romp with, a new stash of Star Wars to construct, an r2d2 cake, a Darth Vader pinata, and most of all, lots and lots of love!

- ringing laughter, noisy battles, boys having fun
- excitement over the cake, which was a labor of love
- a house full!
- looking around and seeing a room full of people who love my son
- Uncle Caleb patiently sharing his Iphone
- grandparents who bring chili every year to help out
- creativity with little plastic pieces
- sharing a cup of tea with a friend, ignoring the mess in order to chat
- sharing life with these people

Knowing grace

It has been a challenging couple of weeks. This morning all my anxiety and frustration seemed to boil over and spew out. Harsh words to the kids, silence toward Aaron, constant complaining as I look at the list of daily tasks.
This is why the counting of gifts is not just some heart warming exercise. It is building the discipline of seeing God in every moment of life. It is the battle for seeing grace not only on the sunny days when we spend the days outside among the daffodils but also on the gray and rainy days seemingly devoid of color or life.

Ann Voskamp says here,
A celebrant celebrates the extravagant grace of Christ.
A celebrant is the one keeping her eyes on Jesus and His perfect sacrifice - precisely because she isn't perfect.
The sinners and the sick, the broken, the discouraged, the wounded and the burdened - we are the ones who get to celebrate grace.
Christ invites us to celebrate the full life as the celebrants - not because we 've got it all together, but because He finished it all on the cross.
The art of celebrating life isn't about getting it right - but about receiving grace.
Regardless of the mess of your life, if Christ is Lord of your life, than we are the celebrants out dancing in the wild rain of grace - because when it's all done and finished, all is well, and Christ already said it was finished.

I want to celebrate. I want the knowledge of grace in my head to spill down into my heart and cause me to dance wild joy, precisely in the midst of dirty dishes and broken refrigerators and fighting boys and hurting friends and endless to-do lists and sleepless nights and...

Pictures from every day life

Aaron found this great little puppet theatre on the side of the road! We've been having lots of fun making up plays with the 3 puppets we have. It also gets used as a place to hide and "surprise" people from, a fort, a space ship and who knows what else.

We make a loaf of bread in our bread machine almost every day now. It is a simple pleasure to put the ingredients in first thing in the morning while I make breakfast, smell the comforting smell of fresh bread baking during the morning, and have warm bread for lunch.

I fear that Nathaniel will never be an easy sleeper. We turn off the boys light at 8pm but Nathaniel is usually still up and down until 9 or 9:30 most nights. One night (pre-broken collar bone) we found him like this.

Nathaniel is a tad dramatic. Here he is playing "dead Jedi warrior."

The first few days after Nathaniel broke his collar bone Jeremiah was so sweet and caring. He followed Nathaniel around offering to help him do things and "protecting" his broken side from being bumped into by other kids. I enlisted his help and he willingly spent hours reading to Nathaniel. Now that it has been over a week and Nathaniel doesn't really want to sit still anymore we are back to sword fights and wrestling matches. Sigh. What is a mother to do?