Last time I went to my appointment with my midwife I asked her if she thought it was worth it for Aaron and I to make a birth plan this time around. Last time we made a birth plan and it barely got looked at and once we got to the hospital things went totally different than planned so I don't think we even thought about it. But, it seems that birth plans are all the rage and I wanted to make sure that if it would be helpful we did make one. She suggested that we do make one because it was a good opportunity for Aaron and I to talk and communicate about how we ideally would want the birth to go, what things were important to us, and also to talk through what we would do in possible worst case scenarios.
That was almost 2 weeks ago and we still haven't made a birth plan. Another one of those things that gets put off until the last minute with a second child I guess. But I have been thinking about the birth.
When pregnant with Jeremiah we went to the childbirth classes at a hospital. We also got a number of books on birthing naturally (the Bradley method book in particular) and practiced all the techniques and stuff intended to help me have a baby without using medication. We were gung ho and convinced that I would not take any medication.
Then labor started.
Four hours into continuous back labor I just couldn't take it anymore and requested an epidural.
Ever since then I have felt abit guilty for not trying harder to go without medication. Most of my friends who have recently given birth have been able to go unmedicated. But as I was reading through all my childbirthing books again I realized the truth about myself - for me, childbirth is not about the amazing experience of labor and birth that the books talk about. For me it is not about getting in tune with my body or experiencing the process of my body in labor. I really just see it as a necessary step toward getting to my goal of holding my baby in my arms.
Don't get me wrong, I think that the way God made our bodies to give birth is amazing. But I do not see the labor and moment of birth as bathed in this memorial light that the books describe. I honestly just want to get it over with.
Does this make me any less of a woman? Am I weak in body and mind? Should I feel guilty about the fact that this time around, while I intend to try and go without medication again, I am much more open to asking for medication if I need it? I don't think so. We have done all the research on the possible complications that can come with having an epidural. We understand the risks. The epidural did not seem to effect Jeremiah negatively in any way. He was born with eyes wide open and was alert from that moment on. He had no problems with bonding or breastfeeding.
So, as I think about Nathaniel's coming birth I am praying again that God will prepare the way. That He will give Aaron and I the strength and wisdom we need to make the correct decisions when the time of labor comes. And that most importantly, when it is all over, He will bless us with a healthy little boy. Please join me in this prayer.