In the past I have not really cared about age and numbers but as the big 3-oh approaches I have found that I am blocking the event from my mind, living in denial that I am really reaching this milestone.
The problem is that I don't really feel like I am 30. At least, I didn't think I did until I noticed the following:
- I keep to almost the same schedule every day. (I used to despise schedules.)
- I have to be in bed no later than 10pm or I will pay for it the next day. (As I have mentioned before, I used to be a night owl.)
- Saturday doesn't look very different from any other week day. (Saturday used to be my special day to sleep in, do what I wanted to do, have spontaneous outings.)
- I packed snacks and stuff for Ben & Ramona so that they wouldn't have to spend money eating out on the road. (This is something that I would always make fun of my mom for!)
- There are lines forming around my eyes and I am pretty sure that I have identified an age spot already.
- The current music that I hear on the radio gives me a headache.
-I cannot just eat what I want unless I want to work out harder the next day. (Actually this started happening around 25 but I have just been in denial....)
- If ever someone needs something I am pretty sure I have it in my bag. (My cute little purses that hold only a wallet, keys and lip gloss are retired to the back of the closet.)
- The other day when we were shopping Ramona found a pair of shoes for me that were really cute and on-sale. I decided not to get them because the heel was a bit high and I wasn't sure where I would wear them. (When have I ever passed up a pair of cute shoes in the past?)
- Before I went on vacation I would not leave until the house was squeeky clean. (Again something my mother always made us do that I despised.)
Ok - maybe the lesson here is that it doesn't have to do with turning 30 so much as the combination of becoming a mother and maturing.... And let's face it - I am turning into my mother! (Which I should note is a really good thing as she is a terrific woman and still looks great!) Yesterday I found myself in the kitchen talking to myself as I tried to figure out what to make for dinner. I guess I need to apologize to my mom......
But on a more serious note, the real reason that I am denial about turning 30 is that when I was a college student (and lets not even think about how many years ago that was) it seemed like the people in their 30's that I knew finally had their lives together and were mature and wise and smart. The women seemed like attentive wives, patient mothers, productive time managers, spiritually mature. And it is in those areas that I still feel immature in so many ways. Shouldn't I basically have things together by now? Shouldn't I feel like I have my life under control? Shouldn't I feel mature inside?
I will work on embracing turning 30 - but darn it, I still feel like I am 20!
Note: I know that those of you who read this who are over 30 are laughing at me. That's ok!